Relationships are complicated.
Romantic relationships in particular tend toward an uncomfortable amount of complexity.
So, when we introduce a new factor into an already convoluted situation the result is rarely good.
What do you do when whether or not to add this new factor falls to your decision?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) warningcammeralert when they came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
In a now deleted post, OP asked:
"AITA for warning that my friend that the girl he's seeing is a cam girl."
OP began with the context.
"I have this one friend Jessica."
"I she's a great friend and I'm glad to have her in my life."
"Jessica is a s*x worker, specifically she is a cam girl."
"Now, of course, I have never seen any of her streams as that'd be weird but she has told me that when she started, she was doing cam sessions with her ex-boyfriend but started doing solo shows after they broke up."
"I am in full support of s*x workers and do not think any less of Jessica despite what she does."
"Jessica recently started seeing Mike."
"Mike and I used to work together and are still friendly."
"Apparently they met on tinder."
"This surprised me as mike is a kinda conservative guy."
"I didn't want to be nosy but I talked to Jessica about it and offhand mentioned that he seems like the type of guy who wouldn't be down with dating a woman like Jessica."
"She then told me that she hadn't told him yet and was waiting on till things were a little more serious."
"I thought this was Ill-advised, if I was dating a girl and I found out was pay-per-view weeks in instead of like date 2, I'd be mad and felt led on."
"I said that maybe she should consider letting him know soon to spare them both possible heartbreak. She said no."
Everything was fine until,
"Next time I saw mike I was talking to him about Jess and I felt like I should say something."
"She's keeping a massive secret that she thought could've been a deal-breaker from him."
"That's wrong and I felt like this was one of the rare occasions it was okay to step into someone else's relationship."
"I told him and he wasn't happy."
"Apparently he almost immediately ended things with Jess and she blamed me."
"All of our other friends said I was being a dick and need to apologize."
"I feel like it was protecting mike."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: ESH
Some responses pointed out the complexity of the situation.
"I'm conflicted. ESH"
"So yikes..."
"Going against the grain here but I'd personally want to know if someone was keeping something like that from me."
"Waiting until you've hooked someone along to tell them something that not everyone is okay within a relationship is a red flag."
"Not to mention a waste of time and quick way to lose trust."
"Personally that's something that, in my eyes, needs to be disclosed far before a relationship begins so that the other person can decide to continue with it."
"Still, you've lost trust with her now and went so far as to disclose her personal life without permission, which really sucks."
"She may have been trying to find the time or right way to tell him, and you went and took that opportunity from her to sit him down and properly discuss it. Not really cool."
"Also, everyone saying that being upfront may have been dangerous doesn't seem to understand that regardless of how she went about it there is potential danger because of the position she's placed herself within the job she's chosen."
"If she tells him early, might lead to violence."
"If she waits and tell him later, probably will lead to violence."
"D*mned if you do, d*mned if you don't."
"It isn't an excuse not to disclose it. Best she can do is tell him through text, or meet up with him with a friend for safety."
"EDIT: added a word EDIT 2: added verdict" ~ Dispirited_Ghost
"She seems like she's barely gotten to know this guy, I don't really percieve it as 'waiting until you've hooked someone along."'
"All she said was that she wanted to get to know him first."
"She didn't say she was going to wait until she's already in committed relationship!"
"I feel OP operated unfairly based on assumptions he's formed because of his own preferences and stigmas."
"If she's a good friend, there's no reason to assume she'd lie to her partners."
"He even framed it as she was participating in an act of deceit when he told him, instead of saying the more accurate thing that she's waiting until she knows him more."
"We should consider that s*x workers can be more likely targets of violence too."
"Plus, nobody would date anybody if the most stigmatized parts of us or all our perceived flaws were pushed into their face right at the beginning by their good friends." ~ Whoopsa-doodle
While others were very clear in their opinion.
"I'm not conflicted at all."
"I would immediately want to know and would immediately break up with a man who hid his profession as a sex worker from me."
"Opinions about s*x workers are opinions."
"Most of the world does not view selling s*x positively."
"Aside from that, the dynamic in romance and relationships is very complicated."
"I would not be okay with a man being a cam dude calling other women, talking to other women s*xually under any circumstances even if it was for money!"
"Just because there are parts of you that you feel others might reject doesn't give you the go-ahead to hide it!"
"That's deception, lying, and building a relationship on an air mattress in the ocean! It's bound to be a disaster!"
"Tell the truth people!" ~ Salty_Buyer_5358
OP seemed to be in a doomed scenario.
"Ouch."
"Schrodinger's A: if you tell you're an A and if you don't tell you're also an A."
"You had two friends, and had to pick from which ethical violation you wanted to live with."
"Lotta folks would say YTA, and you kinda are but..."
"Hiding this stuff is actually deceit and it can be bad when they find out later."
"But you shouldn't be surprised that the bridge with your friend is burnt. It's acceptable for them to be upset with you. That information disclosure really wasn't yours to perform." ~ AltDogBarkBarkBark
"NTA"
"You informed Mike about something from Jessica that you knew he wouldn't accept in a potential partner."
"You saved him from wasting precious time dating her & experiencing a tough heartbreak if he were to have become very emotionally invested in her."
"Jessica should have ended things as soon as you told her that Mike didn't like dating s*x workers, because it wasn't like Mike would change his mind about s*x work all of a sudden just for her."
"It feels rather disgusting that Jessica wanted to wait until Mike was more emotionally invested in her, because that just feels like some sort of trap."
"Alternate scenario: Let's say that you had kept the secret to yourself & the relationship eventually blew apart."
"You would still be considered an a**hole to some people for not disclosing said crucial information to Mike, despite being friendly with him & knowing very well that the info could have saved him all that time he used to emotionally invest in Jessica."
"All in all, you would've been considered an a**hole no matter the choice you took & you would've lost a friend regardless, which is just an unfair situation to have to be in."
"For this reason along with everything else I stated, you're NOT the a**hole."~ Regina-Castellum
While other commenters pointed out the holes in OP's defense.
"You can tell by the wording and little snide remarks in the post that OP isn't 'in full support of s*x workers'".
"I have to go back to work, so I cant go find specific examples right now, but more than once, I was like, 'Yeah, that sounds like when people tell me they fully respect gay people, and in the next breath tell me it's disrespectful to hold hands with my wife and 'just stop shoving that shot in my face.'"
"That's the distinct feeling I got - that and 'of course I support sex workers - I have a 'pay per view' (OPS words - this irked me) friend!'" ~ Technical-Exchange-8
"Yeah, this is very much a situation where the attitude/judgement is the problem."
"Not everyone wants to date a s*x worker, some people feel that's not in line with the version of monogamy they subscribe to."
"She was probably still feeling out how he'd take it, and liked him enough to stick around even if he seemed a bit conservative."
"And let's be honest, hearing about a somewhat taboo job from gossip is automatically going to put it in a poor light."
"If Jessica had been able to approach it, she could have said, 'hey, this is my job (or side gig, or w/e), this is what I do, not a big deal'",
"Versus 'hey, man, just warning you, she's a cam girl, don't wanna judge but like...'"
"Framing is important, and this approach steers straight into stigma." ~ nerdprincess73
Relationships are complicated.
Remember that none of us are perfect and that the best any of us can do is to try, sometimes fail, and try again.
Be patient with one another.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.