Relationships are incredibly complicated and nuanced, even when everything is going well.
But unfortunately, sometimes things are only going well on the surface, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit, and the truth has a way of coming out at the worst possible moment.
After her husband died, Redditor MyMomo20 discovered that he had been cheating on her for years with a woman who knew about his marriage and children.
When the other woman came forward, wanting to share in her grief, the Original Poster (OP) was infuriated.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not allowing my late husband’s affair partner to come to his funeral?”
The OP recently had a lot to process at once.
“Three weeks ago, my husband died in a car accident halfway across the country.”
“He said he was going on a work trip, but we later found out that all of that was just another one of his lies, and he was actually on a cheating trip.”
“Something he’d seemingly been doing for at least the past five years.”
“So yeah… It’s been a very fun few weeks. Feels fantastic.”
“Our kids are 7 (Female), 14 (Male), and 19 (Male). Only the eldest knows about the affair, and we all agreed to keep it to ourselves. (My son had his dad’s phone and was the first to find out. It wasn’t intentional, and I wish he didn’t know.)”
The secret partner decided she didn’t want to be such a secret anymore.
“The problem lies with his partner. She wanted to be involved.”
“I told her that wouldn’t be possible and she should respect our privacy.”
“Even putting my feelings aside, though he’s trying to be strong for his younger siblings, my eldest is battling with his anger and grief. Having her there would only cause problems.”
“Regardless, she was there when we arrived at the graveyard standing some distance away, but she was still close enough to everyone to just make her stand out as if she wants to be seen.”
“I told my brother, and he removed her without causing too much of a scene.”
The affair partner called the OP out.
“Afterward, she sent me a text which summarised and basically called me selfish for blocking her from being there and saying I robbed her of the chance to say goodbye properly.”
“For some reason, this is slightly bothering me.”
“I’ve found myself justifying my actions to myself repeatedly since receiving that text. I still believe I did what was right and put my kids first.”
“She had no business there, and her presence would only cause drama. She could always go to his grave whenever she wants to say goodbye.”
“Was I the a**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were incredibly heartbroken for what the OP was having to go through.
“She was playing around knowingly with a married man who had a family, and now she has the nerve to call you the selfish one?”
“No sympathy for her, you do what you need to do to protect your kids and family.” – ColdStreamCapple
“She doesn’t WANT to say goodbye on her own. She wanted to be publicly acknowledged as important to the deceased because now she’ll never get another chance to butt into the life of the family of her dead, cheater of a partner.”
“OP, I’m very sorry for your loss, and for the betrayal and confusion you must be feeling. Rest assured, you owe her nothing: no closure, no money, no belongings. Cut her out and keep her away from your family.”
“NTA.” – Natural_Garbage7674
“If she wants to ‘say goodbye properly,’ she can pay for a memorial service of her own.”
“Having an affair with someone who already has a spouse and children has drawbacks. Not being welcome at weddings, funerals, and other family functions is one of them. She can not plausibly claim to be surprised at being asked to leave.” – throw05282021
“The audacity of this woman. Tell her that she can do what she has always done and have her time with him once you’re done with him.” – turtlesfightclub
“NTA. She had no business being there. I understand that she was grieving; however, her presence was extremely offensive. I have no tolerance or compassion for adulterers: both of them.” – Intermountain-Gal
“While I usually reserve most of my ire in these cases for the married person, the mistress still knows they were wrong. She should have never approached the widow and kept her goodbyes for when everyone had left.”
“She just wanted to play the not-so-mysterious lady in black and parade herself in front of the funeral. OP should not feel any remorse. NTA.” – Accomplished_Two1611
“I’ll say this for the woman, she has balls. The irony of calling OP selfish under the circumstances. And showing up and posing herself like some mystery woman just begging to be asked to join? At a freakin funeral??? What the f**k?”
“She’s grieving, I get it. But she has no right to demand that she get to participate, and certainly no right to be pissy towards OP.”
“OP did right by her kids. That’s the key here. Other woman did right by . . . no one. NTA.” – MajesticGoatSparkles
“Holy actual s**t. NTA.”
“The cruelty of this woman is staggering. She has no decency. Yes, she is grieving, but you owe her nothing. Nothing.”
“If she had a shred of dignity, she would keep her distance and only contact you to offer a conversation on your terms if you ever want it for the sake of closure. To actually muscle in on your husband’s funeral, with his kids there, is so disgusting I can’t believe it, let alone having the nerve to text you with insults.”
“I am so sorry your husband left you with this sh*t show to handle. I am sorry he betrayed you. I am sorry you found out this way.” – Sweeper1985
“She signed up for a very secret relationship. And that does not stop when one of the parties involved dies. She should have stayed away and not outed her ‘relationship’ this way. If she was not okay with not being a secret partner, then she should not have been in the first place.”
“And my sincere condolences, OP. It must be hard to not only lose your partner and father of the children but also to find out something so huge and have to deal with that around his funeral.” – Pollythepony1993
“She got to say goodbye. And I love you. And whatever else. THE WHOLE TRIP. And the trips before that.”
“She got to say it while his widow made arrangements for the body. While his widow told his kids daddy was dead.”
“She got to focus on him and her grief while his widow was learning she’d been betrayed for years. And while his widow was planning his funeral. And dealing with dealt certificates and insurance and social security for her younger kids.”
“She’s had enough. She’s stolen enough. She is not entitled to him. NTA.” – biscuitboi967
Others had petty responses ready for the OP to use if the affair partner kept pushing.
“When my ex dumped his ‘side piece,’ I had already discovered the affair and left a few weeks before. She called me (it was in 2000) wanting to know if had heard from him because she came home and all the CDs and stuff he had of hers were on her coffee table along with the house key she had given him.”
“I said, ‘Yes, he has decided to dedicate himself to getting me back. Now I have all his little girlfriends calling me, crying, looking for him, acting like fools, and I just don’t have time for this s**t,’ and then hung up.”
“Which, he really was trying to get me to come home, but I was no fool and didn’t want him. I did find out later there were others along with new ones since he dumped her and I was still refusing to come home.” – middlegracie
“I’d go one step further. Tell her that if she hadn’t been having the affair then he wouldn’t have been on the trip and he wouldn’t be dead.” – maninakilt
“Want to be really mean? Text her back, ‘I’m trying to grieve my husband, it would not be appropriate for you or his other girlfriends to be attending. Why are you the only one of his side pieces who could not understand to leave us alone in our time of grief?'”
“Let her see how it feels to get ‘cheated’ on.” – CrankleStank
“I would be hard-pressed not to point out to her that if it weren’t for their affair, he would still be alive (since he wouldn’t have been in that place at that time otherwise). But that might be excessively cruel.” – anywitchyway
“You were completely right. She might have loved him, but he kept her a secret, and she was okay with being a secret while he was alive. So she should also be a secret in his death.”
“Sorry, but that was not her place to be there. She can visit his grave after. And she can also have a small ceremony by herself. Ask a priest to read some texts morning a photo or such things.”
“Just block her number and try to forget about that person.”
“Sorry for your loss. All the best for you and your children.” – Trevena_Ice
“Text back word for word: ‘I care about your feelings as much as you cared about mine when you became his affair partner while knowing he had a wife and kids: not at all. Stop contacting me. Any further contact will be considered harassment, and I WILL pursue legal action.'” – Thrillsy
The subReddit was appalled on the OP’s behalf, especially given everything she then had to process and accept alone while trying to keep the news from her children.
They agreed with how the OP had handled the situation; if anything, they may have wanted her to be much harsher with the affair partner than she had been.