Making a joke at the expense of others is always a risk.
A risk that is seldom worth taking
It's very easy to say something is "all in good fun".
Even so, the person about whom you're making the joke might have trouble finding anything funny in what you're saying.
Especially when everyone is laughing at them as opposed to with them.
A Redditor Prime-hands247 recently attended a family dinner.
A dinner in which the original poster (OP)'s cousins and uncle continuously made jokes at their expense.
Something the OP quickly grew tired of, leaving them feeling there was truly only one solution.
After being accused of overreacting by their family, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for leaving my family dinner early after they kept making jokes about me?"
The OP explained why they found their family's jokes no laughing matter:
"I went to a family dinner last weekend at my parents' house."
"Everything started off normal, but after a while, my cousins and even my uncle started making jokes about my job and how I still haven’t figured life out yet."
"For context, I recently switched careers and took a pay cut to do something I actually enjoy."
"It’s been a bit of a struggle financially, but I’ve been proud of myself for sticking with it."
"At first I laughed it off but the jokes just kept coming."
"Things like maybe you’ll get a real job someday, or don’t worry, we’ll cover your meal since you’re broke."
"Everyone was laughing, including my parents, which honestly made it worse."
"After about an hour of this, I told them I didn’t appreciate the comments and asked them to stop."
"They said I was being too sensitive and that it was 'just jokes'."
"That kind of pushed me over the edge, so I got up, said I was leaving, and walked out."
"Later, my mom called me saying I embarrassed the family and should’ve just stayed and ignored it."
"Some relatives have been texting me saying I overreacted and made things awkward."
"Now I’m wondering if I should’ve just stayed and dealt with it instead of leaving."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for storming out of their family dinner.
Everyone agreed that after the OP's family accused the OP of overreacting and didn't apologize when the OP made it clear they were upset, the OP did not need to tolerate any more of their childish behavior and did the absolutely right thing by leaving.
"Awwwww, poor babies ganged up to bully you, and now they're butthurt because you called them out. In the future, I suggest you adopt a zero-tolerance approach to this kind of behavior."
"NTA."- PurpleEmotional1401
"NTA."
"Jokes are supposed to be funny, not demeaning."
"When they doubled down, they became bigger AHs."- BigBackeron
"NTA."
"The first time was a joke."
"After that, they were just bullying you."
"You politely asked them to stop."
"They called you 'too sensitive', which is a common response from bullies."
"You walked out rather than getting into a fight about it."
"Your behavior was entirely appropriate and mature."
"Your relatives blamed you for the awkwardness, rather than blaming the actual offenders."
"Is this the first time this has happened, or is this a pattern?"
"Because usually this is not a one-time thing."
"I'm especially concerned that your mom took their side over yours."
"I think you should avoid future family dinners unless your mom apologizes."- NapalmAxolotl
"NTA."
"They were being passive-aggressive."
"If it really was all in good fun, they would have spread it around more."
"They laugh at you, then a cousin, a sister, a brother, etc."
"You were being targeted."
"Don't go back there again."- Pandy_45
"An hour?"
"That is ridiculous!"
"It's bad enough that it went on for 5 minutes, but you're not wrong to want it to stop."
"Text them all and ask them if they would want to be made fun of for an hour and see how they would like it?"
"I'm 62F and would be appalled at my family laughing at my 29M and 33F adult kids."
"You're NTA for walking out of there."- HorseygirlWH
"NTA what your crappy mother meant was that you embarrassed her because she was too spineless to defend her own daughter."- off-pissed
"NTA."
"THEY made things very awkward."- ReaderRabbit23
"NTA."
"They are just pissed because you highlighted their shitty behavior. It changed from 'just jokes' to bullying the moment you asked them to stop."- Putrid-Nectarine-873
"NTA."
"You asked them to stop, and they dismissed you."
"You could have started a big blow-up or made cutting jabs at their expense, but you just removed yourself from the situation."
"You didn't make things embarrassing and awkward, that was your AH cousins and uncle."- Consistent-Star5745
“'You embarrassed the family'."
"No, Mom, the family embarrassed ME, and you joined right in, so yeah, I marched my happy a** out!"
"NTA."- witchspoon
"NTA."
"Important things in life are worth being sensitive about."
"Like respect and bullying."-- likeahike
"If it was all in good fun, then they’d have stopped laughing when you said it was no longer fun."
"NTA."- TypeOneTypeDone
"NTA."
"Bullying and verbal abuse aren't a joke."- angelindisguise
"NTA."
"No, you do NOT have to let other people, especially family who are SUPPOSED to care for and help you, verbally abuse you."
"Which is what they were doing with their nasty comments."
"Jokes are supposed to be funny, not hurtful."
"You should have spoken up and walked out sooner."
"Every time they bring this up, tell them something like 'NO , I do not have to put up with your abusive insults'."
"And hang up/walk out."
"Enjoy your much more fun job!"- bkwormtricia
"NTA."
"100% I’m so sorry they did that to you."
"That’s what you call gaslighting, invalidation, and emotional abuse."
"I’m actually so proud of you for walking out!"
"You were not 'too sensitive' or any BS like that."
"Jokes are supposed to be funny for everyone."
"They wanted to be able to make fun of you and for you to sit there and take it."
"Hell, no!"
"That’s just messed up."
"Especially as they kept going on and on, which is just cruel!"
"They f*cked around and found out."
"If they felt embarrassed, that’s the consequence of their actions."
"Hope you’re ok!"
"Well done on sticking with a job you like and that makes you happy."- NoYoureTheBestest
"NTA."
"Even in the slightest."
"My family did this too, and I (62F) was often the brunt of it."
"I stopped going to family events, especially events with extended family."
"20+ years free of it, and whenever I have met people who participate in similar abuse, I avoid them."
"No place in my life to ever be treated like that again."- OrneryToo
"Ask them with a perfectly neutral face and expression in you voice 'please explain what’s funny…I don’t get it' and let them flounder."
"If they continue on in the same vein like 'well, you know, your ‘job’ really isn’t one', keep repeating 'I don’t get it. Please explain why it’s funny'."
"Eventually they’ll stop when they see they can’t get a rise out of you and they’re feeling/looking more and more foolish."
"A popular rejoinder on Reddit in circumstances like this is 'you didn’t embarrass them, they embarrassed themselves'."
"DO NOT APOLOGIZE TO THEM!"
"They need to apologize to you."
"NTA."- Mundane-Scarcity-219
"NTA."
"'I am not responsible for how grown adults feel about the consequences of their own actions, nor yours'."
"You took appropriate actions."- kalixanthippe
"NTA."
"U don't need an excuse to leave while they belittled u repeatedly."- halffatalan
"Definitely NTA."- CaliGrlNVA
"As someone who has had this happen in my own family you're NTA OP."- Similar-Ad-6862
"NTA."
"Jokes at the expense of others aren’t funny."- angry_gma_0618
"NTA tale as old as time it’s always the one who points out an unhealthy dynamic that gets labeled as the problem."
"Stick to your values."
"It hurts but you gotta live your life for you and do what you think is right."- womanonymous23
"NTA."
"Not at all."
"When people are telling you that you made things embarrassing or that you made things awkward, is really a projection onto you."
"You're walking out, forcing them to see that the situation was embarrassing and awkward, yet they failed to take accountability for their own actions."
"Even their rebuttal is making fun of you."
"Stand your ground!"
"You’re doing a good job, and walking out shows that you were the better person, and I’m so sorry that your family did this to you."
"I get the feeling that this is not new."
"It seems like they haven’t respected you for a long time, and the job change just gave them something to pick on you about and to be mean to you about it."
"You did right."- Firefly_Magic
We would all like to think that our parents would stick up for us when no one else would.
Sadly, for the OP, her mother not only didn't stand up for them but also took the side of those making fun of them.
Those with nurturing, loving parents usually tell their children to get out of a bad situation, which is exactly what the OP did.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.