Redditor throwaway_195283754 is a 29-year-old woman who is estranged from her father after he made a poor decision that permanently affected their relationship.
In contrast, her husband comes from a loving family background, and she was under the impression he was supportive of her broken family situation.
She thought wrong.
When a planned evening went south, she reacted in a way that left her wondering, “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA), on the popular subReddit.
She asked strangers online:
“AITA for disappearing for a night after my husband ambushed me with an unwelcome surprise?”
The Original Poster (OP) started off by explaining:
“I feel like this was justified, but I’m told my reaction was ‘intense’ and an overreaction.”
“I am no contact with my father. We had a really good relationship when I was a kid, but he cheated on my mother, who already had some mental health issues, and was caught in a pretty damning way.”
“The aftermath was horrible and deeply traumatic, let’s just leave it at that. I had just started college at the time and basically my whole life fell apart within about a week.”
“My father tried to justify it and I told him that the options were (a) immediately break up with the woman he cheated with and go to therapy with me to find out if I could ever forgive him or (b) get out of my life.”
“He picked (a) but didn’t actually break up with her, I found out because I expected that and she sucks at covering her tracks, so I haven’t spoken to him in a decade and he’s essentially dead to me.”
“I miss the dad I had in childhood sometimes, but otherwise I don’t regret cutting him off. My older brothers also cut him off shortly after, though one is back in low contact to a degree.”
“My husband comes from a very different kind of family and the whole situation is mind blowing for him, largely because his parents are lovely and would never do something like this. He can’t imagine things being so bad that you would just never speak to your parent again.”
“We’ve talked about it a couple of times in the past and he asked if I would ever reach back out, for closure if nothing else. I said ‘over my dead body’, so I thought he understood.”
“A couple of weeks ago, he asked me to meet him for dinner after work, which we do occasionally. We had just gotten sat down and talked for a minute when my husband said that he had a surprise for me.”
“A minute later, my father walks up to the table.”
“I immediately got up and walked out, they followed me, but I got in my car and left before they could catch up. My phone started ringing, so I just turned it off.”
“I checked into a hotel and set up my work laptop and spent the rest of the evening working because that helps when I’m upset. I didn’t turn my phone back on until the next morning and saw I had over 50 missed calls and a bunch of texts and DMs from people trying to contact me.”
“My husband has apologized profusely for the whole thing, evidently my father reached out to him some time back and he thought I would change my mind after hearing what he had to say.”
“He was furious with me for just completely disappearing, though, because he thought something terrible had happened to me or that I had left him.”
“I told him it served him right for going behind my back and tricking me, but the mutual friends he reached out to to see if they had heard from me think I overreacted and I should have let him know that I was safe.”
The OP clarified a few points in an edit.
“For those concerned about why I went no contact to start with, the exact situation is beyond the scope of this forum. The cheating was just the match that sparked an already explosive situation that ruined multiple lives, one fatally so, and devastated the family to the point that even his own parents disowned him when all the information came out.”
“At the time, I didn’t have all of the information I do now, so reconciliation was still just barely on the table—just without his willing accomplice in the picture, as a bare minimum. The woman he cheated with knew the situation from the beginning and contributed greatly to the final outcome being as bad as it was.”
“With what I now know, he will never be forgiven under any circumstances. There is not a level of hell deep enough for what he did, in my opinion. I hope that provides adequate context.”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole in the situation.
“NTA. Your husband doesn’t need to agree with your decision to go no contact with your father. But he does need to respect your clearly defined boundaries, and to support your decision.”
“The fact that he didn’t is a MAJOR violation of your trust. And it was extremely arrogant of him to think he knew what was better for you than you did.”
“Personally, I would not be able to recover from a betrayal of that magnitude.” – The_Oracle_of_Delphi
“NTA. I would tell your husband that this is a 100% marriage ending thing if he does it again. He doesn’t need to understand.”
“He doesn’t need to talk it out with you. You have told him the boundary and that is the end of the conversation OR the end of the marriage.” – melmoonhag
“NTA. I probably would’ve stayed away longer than overnight though for that betrayal.”
“Your husband knew full well how you felt about contact with your father and he betrayed that and that’s really inexcusable in my opinion. He doesn’t get to decide that it’s ‘time to talk’ with your father.”
“Tell him if he tries pulling another stunt like that, he may as well call a lawyer because you’ll likely be filing for divorce. That’s what I would do.” – OffMyRocker2016
“NTA, and he needs to understand that instead of complaining that you left, he should be grateful that you loved him enough to come back!”
“How dare he!” – Hob-Nob1974
“I’d have been gone. Seriously.”
“This is someone who doesn’t understand her, he doesn’t listen to her, he doesn’t believe her, and he doesn’t respect her.”
“He disbelieved & dismissed everything she ever said to him about her father and decided he knew better. The ego on his part!”
“The borderline contempt for his wife! He lied to and deceived her for some time, and then he lied to and deceived her about this dinner.”
“He maintained a relationship with her father behind her back! He prioritized her father over his own wife!”
“He knew she wanted nothing to do with him and he still allowed her father to sneak and creep into her life and violate her, and he participated in and facilitated that violation, thereby violating her himself.”
“I know Redditbros like to whine about how everyone always says to dump him, but for me there would’ve been no coming back from this.”
“To me, it’s unforgivable. I never could’ve trusted him again.”
“The disrespect would come across as pathological and the foundation of the relationship would be irreparably broken to me. I’ve been no-contact with my mom for 13 years and I cannot even conceive of a world in which my husband would do this to me.”
“OP, obviously NTA. I’m deeply sorry.” – Dizzy_Following_4893
“This checks a lot of issues OPs husband raised within that time frame. He also had every opportunity to stop but kept going until the very end without thinking twice, believing he could mend a relationship you didn’t ask for.”
“Husband crossed so many boundaries of trust and played on your emotions. Honestly I wouldn’t feel safe around my husband if he ignored my wishes and unearthed old wounds.”
“I’d stay a night away from husband if he ambushed me too.”
“It’s a valid reason for your feelings to be hurt by your husbands terrible behaviour. NTA” – AtDawnsEnd502
“If I had any uncertainty about whether there was a relationship to try to salvage, it would have been gone the second he was angry about the lack of communication.”
“How do you come back from such a violation when the person who betrayed you also thinks you owed them some reassurance after the betrayal?”
“If their first reaction when you’re ready to try to talk about it is to tell you that you weren’t considerate of their feelings???”
“OP’s husband needs to recognize that OP wasn’t okay. They weren’t ordering caviar and sipping champagne enjoying a night away; they were processing an incredible violation from the person they thought they could trust most.”
“If he can’t recognize that the silence was a symptom of just how far from okay OP was, if he doesn’t recognize that something terrible did happen and it was his doing, then how can they ever get through this??”
“I’m inclined to think I would react as you would—seeing no potential for recovery after such an irreparable breach of trust—but here we know that what came next only further proved his selfishness.”
“It’s so sad to know OP’s actually being led to believe that they overreacted.” – littlefiddle05
“NTA. I probably would have sent a text saying ‘I’m taking space for the night and turning my phone off because what you did was not okay’ or something along those lines just because I worry when I can’t get ahold of people, but even not doing that doesn’t make you the a**hole since it’s obvious you left because you were mad.”
“So what if you had left him? That would have been your right as well.”
“He’s 100% the a**hole for disrespecting your boundaries and going behind your back to your friends and getting them involved.” — nattatalie
“Nope, NTA. NTA one bit.”
“Your meddling, overbearing husband massively overstepped. He is projecting his experiences on to you and showed a complete lack of respect for your feelings by doing so.”
“Obviously don’t jump towards divorce over this, but I would make it clear to hubby that this situation is something that will not be leaving your mind any time soon. He completely disrespected you AND your boundaries, and that behavior is completely unacceptable from someone who has vowed to love and respect you until death.”
“Maybe instead of listening to your dad’s sob story, he should have listened to your very valid feelings.” — feyre_0001
“NTA. Wooooow that’s such a violation of your trust.”
“A surprise party is one thing, but surprising you with someone you’ve made it clear that you don’t ever want to see again is the height of stupidity. I’d even go so far as to call this smug superiority.”
“He expected you to grudgingly just sit there and listen to what your dad had to say then you would be grateful to him for providing you this opportunity that you just couldn’t arrange yourself because you are just stuck in the past.”
“Wrong. From the questions he was asking it sounds like he was trying to soften you up to meeting your dad again then despite your vehement and unambiguous declaration of your feelings on the matter he thought he knew what was best for you and did what he wanted anyways.”
“Honestly this would be one of those breaking points in a relationship for me.”
“If I can’t trust my partner to have my back especially when I’m not around then I might as well be alone or find someone who is worthy of any trust I give.” — David5051
Overall, Redditors thought what the husband did was a major violation of trust and disrespectful of the OP’s feelings.
Some felt the disrespect was so unforgivable they suggested the OP reconsider their marriage.