There is no one perfect way to grieve.
Grief is something that often never ends.
We miss our loved ones and how we process that is a very personal issue.
So thoughts on how one is doing it may not be always be the best idea.
Case in point…
Redditor throwawayangry9 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for blowing up on my wife after what she told my sister?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My 28 M[ale] mom passed away 10 months ago.”
“My sister 15 F[emale] has been severely impacted by this.”
“She was very close to my mother. She became somewhat depressed.”
“She does not talk a lot.”
“She has these screaming episodes where she starts lashing out on everyone.”
“My father and I are doing everything to help her.”
“We are talking her to therapy and grief counseling.”
“She is showing some signs of improvement but it is still a long way to go.”
“Last week she was eating dinner at my house.”
“She was clearly not in the mood. “
“She was barely engaging in any conversation me or my wife [28 F] tries to initiate.”
“I went to the bathroom and when I returned, she had tears in her eyes and asked me to take her home.”
“She refused to elaborate anymore.”
“After pressuring my wife she admitted that she told her this… ‘I know you feel sad and pain, but you are not the only one who lost your mother.'”
“‘Your brother (me) and your father are also suffering.'”
“‘You need to grow up, because if you continue acting like this you will only become a burden to them.'”
“‘Do you also want to lose your brother and dad?'”
“I was furious and told her ‘WTF did you tell her?'”
“‘Who f told you to say anything?'”
“She said that our ways are clearly not helping her and we needed to lay the harsh truth.”
“I was like ‘who appointed you a therapist, do you have a secret degree?'”
“‘Nothing what you said is truthful. I will never consider my sister a burden.'”
“‘Yes we are also in pain but guess what I am almost 30 my dad is 50.'”
“‘We are the adults, she is the teenager, she takes the priority.'”
“She said that she was only trying to help.”
“I told her ‘You did not do this to help me, you only did for yourself.'”
“‘You want us to resolve my sister situation as fast as possible, so we can go back to our normal life. So selfish.'”
“She started crying and we have not spoken since then.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“NTA. Your sister is 15, and she lost her mother.”
“Of course she’s going to process her grief in this way.”
“Your wife is a grown ass woman and is old enough to know this.”
“It’s like you said, what your wife said was rude and insensitive, and she didn’t say it because she was ‘trying to help.'”
“She said it because she just wanted to resolve the situation fast.” ~ EscapedFamilyMan
“This exactly.”
“This isn’t one of those instances that we see on AITA where someone has been using the grief card for years to excuse their sh**ty behavior.”
“The girl is 15. It’s only been 10 months.”
“She’s depressed and probably having outbursts trying to cope.”
“She’s not destroying things, nor does it sound like she’s having outbursts maliciously.”
“OP’s wife just doesn’t want to deal with the stress herself and is trying to get the sister to shut up.”
“What’s sad is that her comment definitely did more harm than good to her healing.” ~ Dauntless-One
“Even grown up full adults are told to let themselves process for a year before worrying about it not getting better.”
“This poor teenage girl, less than a year to adjust to losing her mum.”
“OP’s wife is disgusting. (Sorry, OP) NTA.” ~ NeverCadburys
“I could never look my spouse in the eye again without feeling repulsed if they did something like this.”
“She didn’t do this out of concern for anyone but herself, she resents a child for being the center of attention.”
“My God what a vile woman, NTA.” ~ randomusername71175
“NTA, also the poor sister is going through those teenage years where emotions are so intense.”
“She’s still learning how to deal with her emotions on top on the biggest catastrophe in her life – losing her beloved mom.”
“Freaking out is her way of releasing what she feels this incredible turmoil inside every day since.”
“Poor thing. My heart goes out to her. So glad you defended her OP.”
“She’s lost her mom at a tender age and that will hurt so much. Big hugs to you both.” ~ bunganmalan
“I was 18 when I lost my mom and that wasn’t much better.”
“And it cost me my home, too.”
“I had friends who kindly took me in and I eventually got on my feet, and no one ever said I was a burden but I sure as hell felt like one.”
“I guarantee you OP’s sister already feels like she’s a burden.”
“To have someone SAY it?”
“Yeah, her mental health just got massively set back.”
“NTA, OP. Your wife is being incredibly selfish.” ~ deagh
“I lost my dad to cancer when I was 14, it was the worst year of my life.”
“I could barely function and nearly failed everything in high school that year.”
“Death is always hard on you but at least as an adult you’re able to better process it than a child who has raging hormones and whose brain isn’t even fully developed yet.”
“NTA OP. Good for you for standing up for your sister.” ~ siphonsoul
“And she waited until OP left the room to say it.”
“That shows me that she knew what she was doing and didn’t want to say it in front of her husband because she knew how he’d react.” ~ Major_Zucchini5315
“My dad passed when my brother was 15 and he was constantly getting angry over everything because he had no idea how to express what he was feeling.”
“When you lost a parent as a teenager, you’re now navigating all the emotional BS that comes with being a teenager.”
“AND all of the emotions that come with grief. Which is not something you grow out of.” ~ hmarie176
“OP please keep an eye on your sister!”
“Depression and guilt of her thinking she’s the burden could cause her to spiral.”
“When my dad died I couldn’t feel anything for months and I got very close to the edge.”
“You should let her know she’s loved and not a burden and never will be.” ~ JunkerQueen
“NTA. What she did was cruel and abusive.”
“Calling someone who has depression ‘a burden’ is playing with fire.”
“Many people who attempt suicide explain why they did it (either after recovering or in their suicide letter) by saying they didn’t want to be a burden to their loved ones or because they thought people would be better off with them gone.”
“Telling a depressed teenager she’s a ‘burden’ to her family because she’s grieving her mom’s death is extremely dangerous behavior.”
“Your wife wasn’t trying to help.”
“When people talk about all the ‘harsh truth’ they need to tell people they’re just justifying bullying.”
“You were right to be angry with her and put her in her place, but you should also inquire as to why she bullied your sister.”
“Has she done this before? Is this a one time thing?”
“An adult bullying a teenager for grieving a parent’s death is an alarming behavior.” ~ MemChoeret
“I don’t think there’d be any coming back from this.”
“Your wife waited until you were gone so she likely knew what she said was wrong and was intended to hurt rather than help.”
“Furthermore, her overall line of thought with how your younger sister should be processing her grief is an immensely huge failure of being a good person.”
“She’s INSANELY mean, has the emotional intelligence of a rock, or a mix of the two.”
“Her being 28 doesn’t give me much faith that she’ll improve those things in the near future. NTA.” ~ tsuchinokoko
“You didn’t lose your sister.”
“Tell her as many times as she need to ear it that she isn’t a burden, that you love her, that she is really important to you and that she can reach to you whenever she wants.”
“Take time to be with her without your wife, make her feel safe and loved.”
“As for your wife, she lacks empathy and is a real coward, not only because she decided it was ok to be harsh with a grieving teen but also because she did it when you were not present (she knew what she was doing was wrong).”
“If I were you, I would keep them apart, and I would rethink my relationship.”
“What other things your wife will do behind your back when you have different opinions about situations (kids, family, …). NTA.” ~ Contract_Chance
Well OP has a lot on his plate.
At least he knows Reddit supports him.
And support in grief is important.
Hopefully everyone can work through these feelings.
Sorry for your loss OP.