They say that money can be a real pressure point for any relationship. When you start building your life with someone you want to make sure you are working towards the same goals.
So, it is frustrating when you're working hard to save enough money for a house, and your partner is spending their money on Pikachu collectibles.
A Redditor encountered this very issue with their boyfriend. So they turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
They asked:
"AITA For telling my boyfriend he has to pay me back before I'll move in with him?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained.
"My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 going on 5 years. We are both 24. He wants to move out with me this year to a different state."
"His parents are buying an investment property and they have offered for us to stay in it paying slightly lower rent until we can save for a house deposit. Obviously in the same state they are moving to."
The issue is his money habits.
"The problem is he has an addiction to spending his money on collectible items like Pokemon etc. Essentially he has already spent his entire pay before he even receives it by looking on FB groups and Ebay."
"He currently owes me over 8 grand. In the last few years in total I have probably lent him over 30 grand which he has slowly paid back. I know I have been enabling him by doing that, I feel horrible about it but he has a way of getting the money off me."
"He used to have a credit card before his parents had to step in and pay it off, they made him terminate the account and his parents don't know how much money he owes me."
They had a conversation about the issue.
"He told me that if he sold his entire collection he would have way more than a house deposit and I said 'why don't you then?' and he said he would only do it if times got desperate."
"He has no money in his bank account, no savings and told me that if he doesn't have a 'goal' he won't save money. I told him that he needs to seek help for this addiction because it is already a huge problem. I mentioned that if we got married and had children would he still be doing this? He said he would get it under control by then but he would still collect a few items."
We have different priorities.
"He made a comment that because one day I'll be at home looking after our first child that I shouldn't worry too much about the 8 grand he currently owes me because I wont have a job then so he will essentially have to pay for everything."
"I feel like that's such a bad attitude to have, he said he would pay me back anyway but I told him that I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing bills with him until he sorted it out and sought help."
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
"Do NOT move in with this person. Do not marry this person. STOP giving them money. You cannot trust them to repay you in a timely manner. You cannot trust them with money. Do not tie your future to them. They WILL fuck you over."
"They have horrible financial practices and you will only continue to bleed money if you move in with them."
"NTA and the red flags abound." ~ SecretRatto
"Red flags on both sides . We can't gloss over the obvious either. I've got friends like this- they'll keep sticking their hand in a fire and then get all confused why their hand keeps getting burnt."
"OP needs to look within on solving this problem and the first step is jumping ship on this relationship with a very close second step being how she allowed herself to be so manipulated." ~ vinsomm
Some Redditors argued it is more than that.
"This isn't a red flag. This is the danger that the red flags are supposed to warn you about. The red flag would be, like, "my boyfriend always forgets his wallet when we go out" or "this guy I'm seeing keeps complaining about being broke but he always seems to have new toys." He owes her $8,000 with no plan to pay her back. We're way past red flags." ~ Ecstatic-Buy1356
"Reevaluate this relationship for all of these reasons."
"Please learn to say no. There is such a lack of understanding and respect being demonstrated by your SO."
"I can tell you what happens. You marry him and have a baby but you still have to keep working because otherwise the mortgage doesn't get paid. These habits of his make for an unstable relationship because you can't trust him to do his part." ~ 0neFishTwoFish
Others argued that his habits are an addiction.
"He needs to get his addiction under control and pay you back, BEFORE you progress any further in your relationship."
"I agree with people who are saying dump him though, and cut your losses, as he doesn't want to and won't changed. If you really don't want to, at least protect yourself by not entangling yourself further with him. Do not move in with him, NEVER give him money, and keep your money separate from his." ~ Permit-Extreme-117
"NTA"
"I'm not sure you can get your money back. I would make it a condition of moving in together. If you can get it off his parents, I'd do that. Tell him he has to get give it to or you won't go. And then out it somewhere neither of you can get it."
"But he's an addict who doesn't think he has a problem. He's not going to change. Only move in with him and continue the relationship with him knowing and accepting that this is going to be your life, he will take all the money he earns and spends it on himself while you support the two of you. And if you have any money left over he will take that too." ~ CheerilyTerrified
Having a conversation about money is awkward, but necessary.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.