They say that money can be a real pressure point for any relationship. When you start building your life with someone you want to make sure you are working towards the same goals.
So, it is frustrating when you’re working hard to save enough money for a house, and your partner is spending their money on Pikachu collectibles.
A Redditor encountered this very issue with their boyfriend. So they turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
They asked:
“AITA For telling my boyfriend he has to pay me back before I’ll move in with him?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained.
“My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 going on 5 years. We are both 24. He wants to move out with me this year to a different state.”
“His parents are buying an investment property and they have offered for us to stay in it paying slightly lower rent until we can save for a house deposit. Obviously in the same state they are moving to.”
The issue is his money habits.
“The problem is he has an addiction to spending his money on collectible items like Pokemon etc. Essentially he has already spent his entire pay before he even receives it by looking on FB groups and Ebay.”
“He currently owes me over 8 grand. In the last few years in total I have probably lent him over 30 grand which he has slowly paid back. I know I have been enabling him by doing that, I feel horrible about it but he has a way of getting the money off me.”
“He used to have a credit card before his parents had to step in and pay it off, they made him terminate the account and his parents don’t know how much money he owes me.”
They had a conversation about the issue.
“He told me that if he sold his entire collection he would have way more than a house deposit and I said ‘why don’t you then?’ and he said he would only do it if times got desperate.”
“He has no money in his bank account, no savings and told me that if he doesn’t have a ‘goal’ he won’t save money. I told him that he needs to seek help for this addiction because it is already a huge problem. I mentioned that if we got married and had children would he still be doing this? He said he would get it under control by then but he would still collect a few items.”
We have different priorities.
“He made a comment that because one day I’ll be at home looking after our first child that I shouldn’t worry too much about the 8 grand he currently owes me because I wont have a job then so he will essentially have to pay for everything.”
“I feel like that’s such a bad attitude to have, he said he would pay me back anyway but I told him that I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing bills with him until he sorted it out and sought help.”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“Do NOT move in with this person. Do not marry this person. STOP giving them money. You cannot trust them to repay you in a timely manner. You cannot trust them with money. Do not tie your future to them. They WILL fuck you over.”
“They have horrible financial practices and you will only continue to bleed money if you move in with them.”
“NTA and the red flags abound.” ~ SecretRatto
“Red flags on both sides . We can’t gloss over the obvious either. I’ve got friends like this- they’ll keep sticking their hand in a fire and then get all confused why their hand keeps getting burnt.”
“OP needs to look within on solving this problem and the first step is jumping ship on this relationship with a very close second step being how she allowed herself to be so manipulated.” ~ vinsomm
Some Redditors argued it is more than that.
“This isn’t a red flag. This is the danger that the red flags are supposed to warn you about. The red flag would be, like, “my boyfriend always forgets his wallet when we go out” or “this guy I’m seeing keeps complaining about being broke but he always seems to have new toys.” He owes her $8,000 with no plan to pay her back. We’re way past red flags.” ~ Ecstatic-Buy1356
“Reevaluate this relationship for all of these reasons.”
“Please learn to say no. There is such a lack of understanding and respect being demonstrated by your SO.”
“I can tell you what happens. You marry him and have a baby but you still have to keep working because otherwise the mortgage doesn’t get paid. These habits of his make for an unstable relationship because you can’t trust him to do his part.” ~ 0neFishTwoFish
Others argued that his habits are an addiction.
“He needs to get his addiction under control and pay you back, BEFORE you progress any further in your relationship.”
“I agree with people who are saying dump him though, and cut your losses, as he doesn’t want to and won’t changed. If you really don’t want to, at least protect yourself by not entangling yourself further with him. Do not move in with him, NEVER give him money, and keep your money separate from his.” ~ Permit-Extreme-117
“NTA”
“I’m not sure you can get your money back. I would make it a condition of moving in together. If you can get it off his parents, I’d do that. Tell him he has to get give it to or you won’t go. And then out it somewhere neither of you can get it.”
“But he’s an addict who doesn’t think he has a problem. He’s not going to change. Only move in with him and continue the relationship with him knowing and accepting that this is going to be your life, he will take all the money he earns and spends it on himself while you support the two of you. And if you have any money left over he will take that too.” ~ CheerilyTerrified
Having a conversation about money is awkward, but necessary.