Seldom are rules put in place just for the fun of pushing people around.
Whether those rules are about maximum occupancy or what side of the road to drive on, or not hugging someone from behind, the boundary is there for a purpose.
That purpose can be safety or the setting of an emotional boundary or just financial concern but when you enter someone else's space, you follow the rules they set.
Of course, not every rule is there for a good reason, and sometimes you might find that a rule set for the space your entering may seem capricious or unnecessary.
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Flower534724 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for bringing my wheelchair-bound boyfriend to my brother's no +1 wedding?"
OP started with the background.
"My (female,31) brother (male 33) got married days ago."
"He and his now wife sent me an invitation and mentioned a 'no +1' rule."
"Meaning that I wasn't allowed to bring my wheelchair-bound boyfriend of 4 years with me."
OP explained her reasoning.
"I tried to discuss an exception for this rule because for one, my boyfriend is family and no one would deny that fact."
"And two, I could not find proper arrangements to have someone watch him (I'm his primary caregiver) while I was gone."
"I brought him with me to the wedding."
"My brother and his bride were livid and picked up an argument with me about it. My brother said some hurtful stuff but I was glad he didn't say it in front of my boyfriend."
"I told him it's not like my boyfriend was making a fuss or being distracting (he just remained quiet and respectful of everyone around him) my brother argued that non of that mattered and that the trust and respect he had for me was gone the minute I decided to stomp on his wedding boundaries and override the rules."
"My parents understood my side but also said that it was my brother's wedding and I should've respected the rule he had for non-official couples."
"We've not been talking since the wedding."
"I tried calling him but keep getting hung up on. His wife texted me yesterday to stop calling."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
"Its not like I brought a hyperactive child to the wedding, I think he might have overreacted but I'm not sure."
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Many were left confused.
"INFO:"
"Is your boyfriend an adult?"
"If he needs personal assistance, why isn't he the one arranging that while you're gone?"
"And why do you refer to personal assistance as 'watching him' like you're getting a babysitter?"
"Did your boyfriend want to go? Why isn't what he thought/wanted a factor in this story at all? Why do you generally talk about him like he's a child (e.g. 'it's not like he was making a fuss')?" ~ RelativeAssistant923
"Yeah, honestly it makes me wonder if his disability is something that occurred after they were seriously dating."
"Like, he was able-bodied, they got together, then he got injured or ill."
"Because she absolutely is talking about him like he's a child, dog, or a houseplant, and while yeah sometimes sh*tty ableist people will date disabled people, I at least hope it's uncommon."
"Especially if they're so ableist that they speak of the disabled person in this manner" ~ TriZARAtops
"This was my thought process as well. OP doesn't speak about their BF like an adult partner at all. The wording is very peculiar." ~ Electrical-Date-3951
"Yeah that's where my thoughts are. the wording is really weird."
"Caregiver makes me think maybe he needs help with tasks that OP does for him, and that could contribute to why they couldn't get someone to be with him the night of the wedding, or however OP phrased it."
"However, there wasn't a ton of info on his thoughts as well, which kinda made me confused. where's his agency?"
"just cause he's disabled doesn't mean he can't have an opinion on what should be done in this situation lmao." ~ spookyboi13
For some, confusion led to concern.
"Yeah but 'caregiver' could mean anything from 'he's not physically capable of moving from the bed to his chair on his own' to 'he's borderline brain dead and needs me to do literally everything"'.
"OP is making it seem like he's closer to the second end of that spectrum which is very concerning." ~ potentialsmbc2023
"Yeah... I think the boyfriend is probably somewhere in the middle, (god it feels weird to speculate) and from OPS wording, probably is being used so she can protest her brother's wedding policy."
"When I was really sick I definitely had people use my illness to get their own pity points, and I kinda get that vibe a bit."
"After thinking a bit, OP probably didn't make arrangements, and just brought him, since she was mad."
"Also, as a person who has struggled with chronic illness: Even if OP is a primary caregiver, typically they should have backups just for when OP can't."
"During my illness, my mom took primary care of me, but we had a few trusted friends who I was comfortable driving me to and from doctors appointments, or staying in the house, just in case my mom had to be somewhere."
"Also, google caregiver burnout."
"And maybe I'm projecting but, again, what did her bf want? I know if I was the reason my gf no longer was on speaking terms with her brother, I'd feel horrible."
"There's so much missing information here, and its sus af" ~ spookyboi13
There were also personal stories.
"Ugh."
"Guy in a wheelchair here, although I'm fully self-sufficient."
"This makes me feel for your bf. Not only did you disrespect your brother's wishes, you made your boyfriend the center of more attention than was warranted."
"You say he remained quiet and respectful."
"He probably was quiet because he wanted to crawl under a rock. 'Hey, look at me!! I'm the cause of strife at a wedding through no fault of my own!!'"
"YTA"
"Edit: Holy upvotes, Batman!!! Guess I struck a nerve." ~ DuckDodgers22
"Girl in a wheelchair here, I completely agree with you."
"I already stand out in most settings so being forced into it would make me want to fly away."
"Also OP, stop saying wheelchair bound. We are not bound to anything. Wheelchairs free us to live our lives instead of being bound to a bed." ~ MaybeParade
Some saw this as having nothing to do with the boyfriend's use of a wheelchair.
"YTA"
(Although I have a funny feeling this is going to get edited to reveal more of what your brother said after it becomes clear the voting's not going to go the way you want it to)."
"He said no plus ones."
"If you found that disrespectful to your relationship or simply impractical, then your option was to decline your invitation and stay home."
"Not have your boyfriend crash the party because you decided that wouldn't be overly disruptive." ~ mm172
"When I read the headline, I thought OPs bf had been uninvited due to the bride and groom not wanting a wheelchair-borne person at their wedding, and was leaning to massive N T A."
"But then it turned out no one was allowed to bring a +1."
"YTA OP, you're like one of those people who bring their kid to child free events because their child is so DifFErEnt and sPEciAl." ~ Yellowmellowbelly
"Your boyfriend's condition is irrelevant."
"YTA."
He wasn't invited, you were okay to ask and declined the invitation, then you should have RSVPed no."
"Food costs money and there needs to be a space for each guest, so you aren't entitled to show up with whoever you feel like bringing."
"He's legally not family either, so it's possible your boyfriend doesn't view him that way even if you are in a serious relationship." ~ thewhiterosequeen
"So, everyone else who was denied a +1 doesn't matter because they're not considered family?"
Sorry, but your boyfriend being in a wheelchair doesn't change anything about this scenario or give you more rights than anyone else.
They said no +1s. You still brought a +1.
Your boyfriend isn't a baby. But you're like that person who brings a newborn anyways when kids aren't allowed.
YTA. It's a sucky situation but you didn't think it would matter but that's not your call to make. ~ Daligheri
Commenters suspected that there was more to the story than we were given.
"YTA"
"I'm assuming there is a lot more to this story you're not sharing. I also assume you contacted them before the wedding to let them know that you would in fact be bringing your boyfriend."
"It doesn't matter if you are your boyfriends primary care giver or not. If you're boyfriend is not invited, you have 2 options."
"1. Go without the boyfriend."
"2. Don't go."
"Instead, I suspect you knew this would cause an issue/scene with your brother and you brought your boyfriend anyway." ~ snewton_8
Communication in these sorts of situations is always best as people tend to receive rules better when they are understood.
However, entering someone else's space - particularly for important events or big occasions - means that you will follow the rules they set.
Whether you agree with them or not.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.