Blood is thicker than water, right?
But does that mean family has to always be forgiven?
A 26-year-old woman is struggling with her responsibilities toward her estranged sister and turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment on her decision.
Redditor No_Lemon7078 asked:
“AITA for telling my sister and parents that she can never live with me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“To start with I have never had a good relationship with my sister (32). She didn’t like having a younger sibling and had no interest in me.”
“She moved out when she was 18 and ceased any contact with me, even going as far as rubbing it in my face how she never wanted to know me, by showing up for Christmas at grandparents’ houses and bringing gifts for our cousins but not me, and by showing up for their birthdays but not mine.”
“The last time I was any way hopeful for us to have a relationship was at our youngest cousin’s 1st birthday party when I was 15. She brought along her friends and was mocking me for trying to talk to her when I saw her earlier at the party.”
“So I hardened toward her that day and decided if she didn’t want to be my sister then I would just need to accept that and move on from her.”
“She got married when I was 17 and told our parents I was not welcome. Our parents tried to change her mind but she was not having it.”
“I thought that was when they realized there was no way we were going to be buddies some day or even real family.”
“And now they expect me to help her out.”
“She got divorced from her husband four years ago, he got her into a lot of debt and then bailed. They have a 7 year old together.”
“She lost her job recently and she got a new job in my city and then the rental she had planned to move into fell through and she ended up asking me to stay.”
“I told her no.”
“She went to our parents and the three put pressure on me. When I stood by my stance they paid for her to stay in a hotel for a while…”
“She has not been able to secure a place and apparently lost the job due to a lack of actual address.”
“They are all saying I turned my back on her and we should help family. I got really frustrated with all of them but especially my parents.”
“She has NEVER wanted a single thing to do to me. She has purposely gone out of her way to hurt my feelings and make it clear I am nothing to her.”
“But I’m supposed to help her out because she’s a struggling single mom?”
“After everything? With no apology or actual sign that she doesn’t feel the same about me.”
“Where my guilt is coming in to ask this is she has a daughter and I feel bad for her. But her daughter is also a stranger to me. I have never been part of her life and I don’t even know if she knows who I am.”
“But still, she’s a kid and as a mom now I am wondering if I am being a total dick here like they seem to believe.”
“AITA?”
Ordinarily Redditors would weigh in using four voting codes:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. She made it clear that you are not welcome in her life. You are now returning the favor.”
“She didn’t even want you at her wedding, and probably refused to invite you to any birthdays/parties/holidays at her hose, as well.”
“NTA. She didn’t want a relationship, so now she has no relationship.”
“Figure out what you are going to say, with a maximum of three sentences, then keep repeating that. In no way should you continue the conversation.”
“Don’t let them make you JADE. Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.” ~ Laramila
“They can’t even use the family argument. She is not family…”
“And you don’t need to worry for the child either. It’s not like they are living on the streets… Maybe her father can take her in.”
“You are doing yourself a favor in not taking her in. Since you don’t know the child, who knows how she behaves?”
“You don’t know if her mother let her get away with everything and in one day your home might be trashed…”
“I repeat: That woman is not family. If your family pressures: No is a complete sentence.”
“Hang up the phone or walk away if they won’t stop.” ~ daslinda
“She’s chosen to not be your family for the last however many years and your parents let that happen. I understand she was an adult at the time it was her decision but your parents should be more supportive of that now.”
“She chose to essentially cut you out of her life.”
“You mentioned you are a mom now. I’m assuming your child lives with you, you need to think how she would feel about an essential stranger coming to live with them.”
“Please stand your ground. You’re absolutely NTA here.” ~ LJM-147
“Also, you know if the tables were turned, her sister would laugh in her face or just ignore her from the sounds of it.”
“OP, she is not family by her open choice. She can ask her friend or parents for help, but I personally wouldn’t let her move in.”
“Especially after the emotional trauma she probably caused you growing up. You are SO NTA.” ~ lokimakaveli
“When they try to use the ‘but she’s family…’ just say, ‘No, WE-meaning mom, dad, and me-are family. SHE is not my family’.”
“‘She made a point to cut me out of her family when I was still a kid and I accepted it and gave her what she wanted. She is and always has been a stranger to me’.”
“‘I’m not letting a stranger stay in my home, no matter who it is or what anyone tries to say. She went out of her way to hurt me to show she isn’t my sister.”
“I’m just giving her what she wanted. If you feel so bad for her, take her in yourselves.”
“NTA at all.” ~ missy-63
Redditors decided that the OP’s older sister made her choices in life. Now those choices are having unwanted consequences.
Whether her sister will learn from the mistakes she made with her younger sister remains to be seen.