Friendships can be a delicate balance.
There are always bound to be disagreements, moments of conflict and tension, and conversations we're bound to regret.
Even with the one we consider our "best friend."
Such was the case with Redditor, Ninosch_, who found her friendship with her longtime "best friend" strained after a heated conversation.
But concerned about her behavior, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) asking fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my best friends secret after he made a sexist and insulting comment?"
The OP first gave readers a brief history about her relationship with her longtime best friend.
"Me (f[emale], 21) and my best friend 'Ben' (m[ale], 21) know EVERYTHING about each other."
"Ben joined our school when we were 15 as he changed schools after being bullied."
"We quickly became good friends - I introduced him to my friends and they got along well."
"After High School everyone moved for university."
"Ben and I were the only ones that stayed, so we became even closer as it was only the two of us."
"When I was dating my boyfriend, I spent most weekends with him and his friends."
"Most of the time I also brought Ben along."
"But they were my ex's friends not mine."
"So after the break up it was just the two of us again."
"It was an ugly break-up, my ex texted me and immediately blocked me."
"I was so heart-broken, especially because I didn't even know WHY he broke up."
The OP then revealed how when Ben finally branched out and started making new friends, it put an unexpected strain on their friendship.
"About a year ago, Ben met two guys at the gym."
"They became friends and Ben became part of this friend group."
"He often brought me with him and I got along very well with all of them."
"But somehow Ben didn't like that... "
"He stopped asking me to come."
"Luckily, the others wanted me to come and invited me."
"When I asked him if I did something wrong, he just said that he doesn't treat me different than usual."
"I believe that he felt like he never had many friends of his own... "
"It has always been my friends and I brought him along.. "
"So now that he has his 'own' friends he doesn't want to 'share' them with me."
But in addition to a change in the dynamic of their friendship, there also came an unwanted change in Ben's behavior.
"He also started to act COMPLETELY different."
"Always acting cool and tough, bragging about money, wanting to be in the center of attention."
"He often told mean jokes and embarrassed me."
"One night, we were all pretty drunk and us girls had a deep talk about the pill."
"Some said they are still taking the pill and some said that they do not want to take it."
"It was a great convo with good vibes."
"The boys could hear us but they weren't really paying attention."
"Suddenly Ben said 'Ew who wants a girlfriend that doesn't take the pill? I am definitely not gonna wear a condom when I am f*cking my girl. Feels better to smash raw, right boys?'"
"Clearly, he wanted to act cool in front of the boys."
"No one laughed and it was just awkward silence."
"I couldn't believe he said that..."
"I answered 'Well I definitely wouldn't take a pill that causes depression, hair loss and acne, so some boy can 'smash raw.'"
"I am still shocked by his answer:"
"'Well, I guess we know now why your ex boyfriend ghosted you. Who would want to wear a condom every time he had sex with his girlfriend.'"
"That really hurt, especially because he knows best how devastated I was."
"This joke was tasteless and made my furious."
"And thats when I told his secret...I said 'How would you know? You never even had sex before! "
"'A Virgin shouldn't brag about this.'"
"Now we barely even talk anymore."
"AITA for telling our friends Ben is a virgin after he made a sexist comment about girls that do not want to take the pill and joked about my heartbreak?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they felt the OP fell in this particular situation by deciding:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The OP was met with fairly unanimous support, with just about everyone agreeing that she was in no way the a**hole in this situation.
Many felt that Ben opened the door by initially taking such a low blow at the OP, and that he deserved to be taken down a peg or two after his degrading comments.
"NTA."
"If Ben didn't want to play, he shouldn't have started it."
"NTA he had it coming."- NUT-me-SHELL.
"Men love to act disgusting towards the women in their lives then get butt hurt when you retaliate and hurt their masculinity. "
"You did good kid."- Bitchimnasty69.
"NTA."
"Not really the biggest thing to be a virgin, especially with his comments practically broadcasting it."-TheLavenderAuthor.
"Oh boy, sounds like he is overcompensating to make sure he appears as idk 'man's man'/'alpha' to other guys... not cute."
"Anyone that feels the need to put you down to raise himself is someone you need to stay away from, especially if it comes with side dish of misogyny."
"What you are witnessing is what some sociologists call 'toxic masculinity'.- EchoesInTheAbyss
There were a few who wondered if Ben's angry behavior was an effort to disguise some other feelings he might have.
"NTA."
"Also, I think he likes you."
"Well, liked you."
"Hence the whole macho alpha act."- Urechi
"Here's what happened."
"Ben was bullied to the point that he had to change schools."
"As a result of the bullying, his self-esteem was in the toilet."
"You and he became friends, but after awhile, he wanted more."
"But, you were in a relationship with your ex-boyfriend."
"When he broke up with you, Ben was there as a shoulder to cry on."
"He was expecting that a Rom-Com would happen."
"You would suddenly realize that the man you have been looking for your whole life has been right there in front of you."
"That didn't happen and now he's become resentful."
"So he's lashing out at you for not reading his mind."
"It doesn't matter to him that you never knew his feelings because he never worked up the courage to tell you."
"In his mind, it's your fault."
"Guy really needs counseling to work through issues he has as a result of his childhood bullying."
"Until then, he will never find a healthy relationship."
"Sadly, his destructive behavior towards you, OP, probably means he will not be receptive of that suggestion coming from you."- BlueRFR3100.
Whether or not Ben's feelings toward the OP are more than platonic, it seems it will take a lot of forgiveness on both sides for this friendship to ever come close to what it once was.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.