Our friends and our significant others both deserve our attention, but it can be difficult to know where the boundaries of that attention are, and how to balance giving attention to the proper people at the proper time.
Redditor summertime236 found herself in the middle of one such situation, when she had to choose between staying on a bachelorette trip with her friend, or seeing her husband for the first time in a month.
Unclear if she'd made the right choices, she went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole" or "AITA" for feedback from objective strangers:
"AITA for leaving my best friend's bachelorette trip early to go see my husband?"
Our original poster, or OP, explained her dilemma:
"My best friend wanted to go to Croatia for her bachelorette party. While we were there my husband asked me if I would be willing to fly to him that night."
"I hadn't seen him in a month and I missed him a lot so I said yes. There were only 3 days left of the trip anyway, so I thought my friend would be okay with it."
"However, when I told her she begged me not to go and got angry when I said he asked me to go see him."
"She told me I always ran like an obedient dog whenever he called and she said he had no respect for me otherwise he wouldn't do this."
"She said she hoped she didn't end up like me after getting married and a lot of other things about me/my marriage/husband. I was really angry and I told her she was acting like a b*tch."
"After I left, she sent me a message saying she was reconsidering my role in the wedding since I was so unreliable. AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors couldn't believe she even had to ask--yes, she was at fault.
"YTA, your best friend is having a once in a lifetime event."
"Aside from the fact that your husband asked you to fly to see him (which sounds bizarre and I can't think of any good reason for this; makes me believe your best friend is seeing his personality correctly), it doesn't make any sense that you would do this."
"You will have your husband for all sorts of things in the future. Your best friend will not have this moment again."
"'Only' 3 DAYS left? Did you attend the party at all?! Unless you are leaving out very significant details you are absolutely wrong."
"Your best friend should immediately kick you out of the wedding, you aren't a real friend to her. You don't sound like a good friend to anyone."
"Give her the best wedding gift of all-stay away from her and let the people who care about her enjoy her special day with her."
"If your husband asks you to, Do you plan on leaving the wedding before it even starts?"-Jellybean61496
"YTA honestly I would've kicked you out of the wedding party."
"Why is it your husband is suddenly not busy when it's your best friend's Bachelorette party?"
"All the time before, he was busy? I honestly find that hard to believe."-MeloNurse3
"YTA. Per your comments I'm seeing. For whatever reason not specified, you live in a different country from him right now, and he chooses to not make time for you."
"He KNEW about this trip, and asked you at the last minute to cut it short for no reason other than he's ready to bear your presence."
"Your friend is right. She's probably seen you act as his doormat for so long, and knows he's doing this as a power play or he's bored or both so you come running, when you were on a planned trip with her."
"She KNOWS because of this she can't count on you when it comes time for anything, especially her wedding, when he and / or you will pull some crap again."-dart1126
"YTA. that's so rude and it's a bachelorette trip for your friend's big day. It's an event that (hopefully) only happens once."
"Also 3 days early is a lot of time. You showed her that you are not a reliable friend and do not take her feelings into consideration."
"Normally I would go with E S H because she said some pretty mean things, but I think your actions eclipse hers and perhaps there is a nugget of truth in them (and it sounds like you said some pretty mean things back)"-og_kitten_mittens
People couldn't believe that she would break a promise to a friend, and then ask if she was at fault.
"YTA with the information. You are unreliable based on the reading. There had to be other instances of this occurring in the past for your friend to get that upset and say the things you listed in your post."
"Why didn't your husband go to you and stay in another hotel so you can visit which would only be for hours and can be fit in when the schedule is free instead of bailing?"
"I agree with your friend about reconsidering your role. You bailed and there are consequences."-CapsFan1066
"YTA. You committed to the trip and you abandoned your friend. It would be one thing if there was an emergency and you had to leave but you chose to go simply because your husband asked."
"Assuming he knew you were on the trip it was selfish of him to ask you to cut it short for him."
"Your friend's comment that you run like an obedient dog backs up my initial thought which was to wonder if your husband is controlling and doesn't like you having interests outside of him."-emccm
"YTA, she has her own reasons for being disappointed. You missed one of her most exciting life events even if you confirmed you would be there."
"And 1 month of being away from your husband isn't even that much. You could have been with him after the trip."
"Your husband asked you 'yo lets meet' and you decided not to attend one of your best friend's favorite event. How can she believe you are reliable if you leave her in such moments?"-ingstad
"I'm going to say YTA, you already had this Bachelorette trip planned and you were in the thick of it."
"There was no reason to bail because your husband wanted you to. If you missed him so much you should have planned a visit ahead of time that didn't interfere with already made plans."-Ok_Image6174
Others wondered about her husband's behavior, and if it was healthy.
"YTA. Is your husband always that controlling and demanding? Did no part of him realise that you were doing something important?"
"She crossed a line using a phrase like 'obedient dog,' but I can understand her being hurt by this. Does your partner often make demands like this?"
"I would also have to agree on the 'unreliable' side of this. I'm planning a wedding right now and would probably be worried about him demanding you don't attend or demanding you leave early."-SeekingBeskar
"YTA It sucks you might not have seen him for a while (for whatever reason) but bailing on your best friend half way through a prearranged trip to spontaneously go see someone else, family or not, is not really very nice or considerate."
"Not unless he was sick or for some other important reason. Couldn't you have gone after the trip with the best friend was finished?"-BobzyBadass12345
"YTA Why did your husband just HAVE to see you right then and there? Why couldn't he wait? Does he have a history of calling you back to him when you're out with friends?"
"It seems like your friends reaction was just the final nail in the coffin of you constantly putting her to the side and dipping out on plans for your husband."-Comfortable_Sock4229
"YTA unless there was an emergency. I don't think you are a 'best friend' if you do that, knowing it would hurt her as it clearly did."
"If my best friend did that, she would not be a best friend anymore, and maybe not even a friend."
"I might let her stay in the wedding (because it would be more work to change things during an already extremely stressful time for a bride) but after that- any love will be lost."-poshia
"Look I'd be pretty hurt if someone had agreed to come and spend time celebrating a huge thing with me and then got a call from their husband and decided to bail internationally that same night."
"It might make me think that I'd signed up someone to my wedding party that didn't think much of me either. So yeah, YTA."
"The a**holery is slightly lesser if this was your only opportunity to visit your husband (say, in a third country where he worked) but you still should have organized this in advance, not dropped your friend like a hot dish when your husband called."
"On the other hand, if your husband is literally just back in the same place you're returning to in 3 days, the a**hole level goes up significantly."-sleepiestcatmum
OP may be out of the wedding because of the decision she made, and Reddit is not on her side, so hopefully OP has her conviction behind her.
If not, it might be time to apologize to her friend.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.