No two people share the same sense of humor.
Even so, there are still far too many people who use “it was only a joke” as an excuse.
Almost always after they make a joke that was at the expense of someone else.
As even if it was “only a joke,” that still doesn’t mean feelings weren’t hurt.
For some things simply aren’t a laughing matter.
Redditor saffronloveee had a somewhat contentious relationship with her brother-in-law (BIL).
Specifically owing to the fact that he constantly felt the need to make jokes at the original poster (OP)’s expense, almost always in the presence of others.
As a result, when the OP’s BIL came to her and her husband asking for help, the OP had no trouble at all flatly turning him down.
A decision the OP’s BIL felt was way out of line, claiming everything he said about her was, you guessed it, “only a joke”.
Wondering if she was being too hard on him, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to help my brother-in-law pay for a vacation after he’s repeatedly called me a gold digger?”
The OP explained why she was not remotely willing to help her BIL out financially:
‘I (30 F[emale]) have been married to my husband (32 M[ale]) for five years.”
“We both work hard and are pretty comfortable financially.”
“My husband does earn more than I do, but we’ve always seen it as our money — we’re a team and split responsibilities equally.”
“The issue is my brother-in-law (34 M[ale]).”
“For years, he’s made these ‘jokes’ about me being a gold digger because my husband earns more. It’s always in front of people, and while I usually just laugh it off to avoid making things awkward, it really bothers me.”
“I’ve always worked, I contribute to our household, and it’s frustrating to have that constantly dismissed like I’m just living off my husband.”
“Recently, my BIL and his wife asked us to help cover their part of a family vacation because they can’t afford to go on their own.”
“My husband and I talked about it, and while we could help, I really don’t feel comfortable after all the times he’s disrespected me.”
‘When I said no, my BIL tried to laugh it off, saying I was overreacting and that it was all just ‘harmless jokes’.”
“I’m honestly over it.”
“Now he’s upset, and my in-laws are saying I’m making a big deal out of nothing, and that ‘family helps family’.”
“My husband has my back, but I can’t help second-guessing myself.”
“Am I being too sensitive here?”
“AITA for refusing to help because of how he has been treating me?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to help her BIL pay for his vacation.
Everyone agreed that regardless of the situation, no one should feel obligated to help with a vacation, and even if the OP’s BIL was asking for money for something more urgent, such as his rent or mortgage, he would still be undeserving owing to the way he treated the OP.
“NTA.”
“It blows my mind how often people get called out on their BS and fail to properly apologize.”
“BIL could very easily have said something like ‘I’m sorry – you are rightly calling me out on this item as I see how my asking for money after teasing you about being a gold digger comes off very badly’.”
“‘I thought I was joking, but it is clear now that my comments were hurtful and were not actually funny’.”
“‘I am sorry for that and won’t make those comments in the future’.”
“Perhaps if he had done that you might have reconsidered.”
“But instead he told you the jokes were harmless, likely said you were overreacting, and then got your in-laws involved.”
“Poor choice.”- poeadam
“NTA.”
“They asked the family ‘gold digger’ (ha-ha, so funny) for money for a vacation.”
“Not money because they were short on their rent or mortgage, needed to pay a utility or it would get shut off or food because they were broke until the next paycheck, they asked for money to go on vacation.”
“Last time I checked, if you can not afford to go on vacation, you don’t go.”
“While I believe firmly people need a break from work for their own sanity and mental well being, it doesn’t require taking a trip.”
“‘When I said no, my BIL tried to laugh it off, saying I was overreacting and that it was all just ‘harmless jokes’.”
“‘I’m honestly over it’.”
“‘Now he’s upset, and my in-laws are saying I’m making a big deal out of nothing, and that ‘family helps family’.”
“Well then, perfect, Mommy and Daddy should feel free to pay for it themselves.”- Peony-Pony
“NTA.”
“I wouldn’t give them a dime, much less for a non-essential vacation.”
“Have a sit-down with your husband.”
“He needs to be defending you when his brother denigrates you at family events.”- analyst19
“NTA.”
“Dude’s an a**hole.”
“You owe him nothing in the first place, and if he wanted you to help and act like family now then he should have acted like family earlier and not made crappy jokes at your expense.”
“You said your husband has your back in this, but did he ever tell BIL to cut it out with the jokes before?”
“Because if he didn’t, he’s been a part of enabling this.”
“Also, stop laughing it off and make it awkward, he deserves it.”
“And finally, maybe tell BIL he should be less concerned about your financial situation, and more concerned about his.”
“At least you can afford your vacations.”- LevelCurrent3791
“NTA.”
“Notice how the people who use trite maxims such as ‘family helps family’ are invariably on the receiving end what they say it.”
“It’s never a case of them giving you money to pay bills, or an unexpected expense, you thanking them profusely, and them waving it away with a modest retort.”
“You are being too sensitive, but not in the way that you mean.”
“In-laws need to butt out.”
“When they turn over their money after being insulted repeatedly, then they can comment.”
“BTW, that time will never come.”
“Look at the nerve on BIL to ask you to pay for their vacation because they can’t afford it.”
“The audacity is breathtaking.”
“BIL is a giant AH for calling you names because you and your husband have more money than him.”
“Not content to act the fool in front of everyone, he then doubles down by asking you to give him some of that money.”
‘Truly, a shameless, clueless boob.”
“When you declined (as you most certainly should have), suddenly YOU are stingy and YOU are making a big deal out of nothing.”
“Exactly how would you giving him money be ‘helping’ family?”
“He wants to go on a vacation that he can’t afford, so you should encourage his poor financial decision-making?”
“You are being too sensitive because you are considering, even for a moment his outrageous request, and questioning whether you are in the wrong, and whether BIL and in-laws are in the right.”
“His request would have been inappropriate even without the sordid history of misogynistic comments.”
“Your response should be ‘That doesn’t work for us’, not one more word.”
“DON’T preface it with ‘I’m sorry’, because you have done nothing for which you should apologize.”
”DON’T give even a hint of explanation or justification, because that will only open the door to him berating you.”
“DON’T even hint that it’s related to his unwarranted insults.”
“Your decision is final; he is not entitled to further explanation.”- CandylandCanada
‘NTA.”
“When someone who mocks you for being greedy needs your financial help that is precisely the time to deny it to them and let them know why.”
“If they take it badly you know that every bad instinct you had about them was correct.”- Thedudeabides470
“If your in laws are so set on ‘family helps family’ then they can put their hand in their pocket and pay for it.”
“NTA, you can’t be a d*ck to someone for years and then expect them to do you favors.”-Physical_Dance_9606
“NTA.”
“If family helps family the in laws can help cover their costs.”- Sweetcilantro
“You are NTA but this conflict doesn’t make any sense.”
“Whether your brother in law had been an asshole or not, there is no reason for you and your husband to lend him money.”
“Even if the loan was for something essential and not a vacation, you have no reason to lend him money.”
“But what is really strange here is that your husband’s parents are involved in the issue but haven’t made the loan themselves.”
“What happened to ‘family helps family’?”
“Do you really want to go on a vacation with these people?”
“They sound messy.”- EmceeSuzy
The OP’s in-laws were correct in pointing out that family should help family if they are able to. However, helping pay for someone’s vacation isn’t helping someone. That should be considered a gift.
A very extravagant gift at that, which the OP’s brother-in-law doesn’t remotely deserve after the way he treated the OP.
Who, appropriately, in this case, seems to have gotten the last laugh.