Stigma isn't always about the obvious problems facing our society.
It could be argued that the most insidious stigmas are those that are so common as to be invisible.
Comedians are always "on" or people in glasses are awkward.
These seemingly trivial stereotypes still affect our perceptions of the world around us and can impact not just how we treat others, but how we feel about ourselves.
So, when social pressure turns to insecurity, how much should you adjust yourself to accommodate for the other person?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) thrown_away_confused when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for some outside opinions.
She asked:
"AITA for wanting to wear heels when my boyfriend doesn't want me to?"
OP began with some backstory.
"Me [Female 20] and my boyfriend [Male 26] are the same height when barefoot and we just recently got together."
"We did not meet online, he knew how tall I was before he asked me out and he has seen me in heels too."
"I was actually wearing heels the day we met for the first time and was definitely taller than him."
She explained why this might be a bigger problem then one might think.
"We both have nice jobs and are involved in a few uni projects and therefore get invited to suit and tie events almost bi-weekly."
OP even defended her desire for heels.
"I am a feminine woman, I thoroughly enjoy dressing up, it makes me feel beautiful and powerful."
"Heels are a big part of that for me, I love feeling tall and noticeable. Since there is plenty of occasions for me to wear them, I have several and it is not a one-off thing."
"My boyfriend, however, recently asked me not to wear them."
"He has not given me a specific reason apart from that he does not want me to be taller than him."
"Partially I understand, but my point is - I like them, I paid good money for them and you knew how tall I was before you started dating me!"
She was left to wonder.
"WIBTA for wearing them anyway?"
Having explained the situation, OP presented her hypothetical to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses were very direct.
"Nta - wear the heels"
"Unless of course, it's for a date on a construction site... Then wear the high-heeled steel caps" ~ teebs86
Others were surprised at boyfriend's insecurity.
"Someone so insecure as to be threatened by being with a woman taller than they are should have sorted themself out before they got together with a woman taller than them."
"Now he wants to change you. Ha, tell him they make lifts for men if he feels the need. NTA" ~ ParsimoniousSalad
"It's so weird, guys who are the same height or slightly taller than the woman they're dating seem to be the most insecure about height."
"The guys who are significantly shorter seem to give no f*cks and happily date their taller girlfriends without complaint." ~ DiTrastevere
"NTA."
"He's insecure and taking it out on you."
"He doesn't date girls his own age because they won't put up with that immaturity. I'd move on. The world is your oyster." ~ Schopenhauer_Down
Commenters suggested the couple talk through the issue together.
"NTA."
"Have a conversation with him on why he feels uncomfortable with you looking taller than him and talk it out."
"I'm on the taller side as a woman and I've been with a man my height who absolutely loved to stand next to me when I wear heels to events, you deserve to be with someone who appreciates what they have."
"Maybe show him pictures of celebrity couples where the woman is taller? (think Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas for example)"
"Also this might be an exaggeration but I'd be wary of other 'orange' flags that you might have turned a blind eye to in your relationship."
"Good luck sorting this out, and enjoy the heels!" ~ agirlisn0one
"NTA."
"You two need to have a firm talk."
"He knew your height, you wore heels on your first date."
"I'm fed up of men trying to minimize women, too tall( no heels, slouch in photos), too successful ( keep it quiet, don't tell my family about your promotion)."
"Never minimize yourself in any way for a man. I hope he can deal, this is just a blip." ~ Hob-Nob1974
There were also personal stories.
"As a 6'2 woman I say NTA and wear the heels if you want to."
"Why is he dating a woman as tall as him if he gets insecure about that? Nah."
"I am taller than my partner by default and we rock it, he has no problem being shorter than me." ~ RadiantEarthGoddess
I'm definitely taller than my boyfriend in heels.
When we first started dating, I put on a pair of 120mm heels and stood over him, and he thought it was so hot we didn't even make it out the door for dinner ~ sweetsundays
"NTA"
"My wife is a centimeter taller than me without heels and even more so when wearing heels."
"In the 23 years we have been togheter I have never considered asking her to stop wearing heels. Why would I when she looks stunning wearing them?"
"Even in a universe where I felt uncomfortable with a woman taller than me I would have no right to dictate what she was wearing, and neither has your boyfriend."
"Tell him you love him and respect him, but that you will not let his insecurity dictate how you dress." ~ Nordlibris
"NTA."
"My boyfriend and I are also the same height and I actually love not having to crane my head every time I want to look at him or kiss him lol."
"I actually do wear heels very rarely now because I personally don't enjoy towering over him (for the reason mentioned above), and it's actually really nice to wear flats most of the time and not having to suffer sore feet."
"But again, that's MY personal preference."
"My boyfriend would never tell me not to wear heels or b*tch about me being taller than him."
"In fact, anything else would be quite the turn-off for me."
"I get that we all have our insecurities, but that is for each of us to deal with on our own (e.g. by not dating someone who likes wearing heels and would be taller than you when doing so)." ~ PrinceOfPamplemousse
Commenters were concerned with setting a dangerous precedent.
"NTA."
"First it's the heels he doesn't like."
"Then it is your make-up or the clothes you wear."
"Next he won't like your friends and your hobbies. Do you see where this controlling behavior is going?" ~ ParticularReview4129
"NTA."
"Your bf doesn't get to dictate what you wear. Huge warning sign for future abuse."
"Tell him that his insecurities about his height don't determine your wardrobe." ~ kenzie-k369
"NTA."
"And that's borderline abusive."
"Like, not quite there, but testing the waters."
"First no heels, then wants a say on what kind of clothes you wear, than makeup."
"Then do you really need a job? I can take care of you. Are you even thinking about kids? And so on so forth."
"You get the picture. Might not be that, but it already gives me ick." ~ sis3838
While a few were just confused by OP's boyfriend entirely.
"NTA."
"What I find the strangest about this whole situation is that he literally knew how tall you are and how tall you are in heels when he started dating you."
"It's weird that he didn't factor that in at first."
"To be honest, this is what some women find unattractive in shorter men; that bitter insecurity that leads them to resent taller women or when their partner is taller than them in heels."
"It's such a petty thing that it's a big turn-off, personally."
"I'm quite short and so is my partner, though he's still taller than me; but despite being on the shorter side, he's totally okay and comfortable with his height and I know he would never get upset if I wore heels that made me taller than him." ~ HistoricalAd4089
Freedom of expression was strongly encouraged.
"NTA"
"If you want to wear heels wear them."
"God if you want to wear a banana suit to a black tie event then wear it."
"Wear absolutely anything you want because it's a huge part of self-expression and that should never be filtered (with a few obvious exceptions of course)."
"It seems to me like he isn't feeling 'manly' enough when you are taller than him."
"That's definitely a him issue and not your responsibility to fix but that being said if it's a relationship you want to be a lasting one and build better communication perhaps just a conversation where you reassure him, or let him know he is 'manly' to you." ~ Little-Squirrel-16
Some responses did show consideration for OP's boyfriend.
"I have a little empathy for the boyfriend."
"People talk about him being 'insecure,' but I'm willing to guess that what he hates are the negative looks he gets when he's out with a taller women."
"Specifically from guys. It's a real thing."
"All the posts here imply that he should just get over himself, as if that's easy."
"OP, you're NTA and of course you should express your beautiful self however you want."
"And I encourage you to talk more about this with him."
"I hope he can open up to you about it."
"There is cultural shame around being shorter than 'your woman."'
"Signed,"
"A short guy" ~ Medit8or
The challenges in navigating the social pressures of a constantly watching world are not to be minimized, of course.
However, always remember that the most important expression is self-expression.
Do not diminish for anyone.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.