The saying goes curiosity killed the cat, which is about making risky or dangerous decisions out of a desire to get information.
Like leaping before you look.
But sometimes curiosity and the desire to satiate it isn't hazardous. Does that make every "safe" pursuit of information acceptable?
Some people or situations might pique our interest, but there's a line between harmless conversation and being rude.
If someone leaps over the line, what's an appropriate response to a person who asks intimate or invasive questions? Especially in public when you don't know the pushy person?
A woman found herself facing that dilemma after a trip to the fair, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Purrfunctory asked:
"AITA? A woman demanded info on my [medical] condition so I asked her extremely personal questions."
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (49, female) was at a state fair yesterday and this woman near me came over and demanded info about my medical condition. Long story short, I'm paralyzed from roughly the bra band down."
"I use a power wheelchair and have a service dog."
"I usually don't mind educating people about paralysis, access issues and chatting about my dog but this woman... my dudes. She was rude, abrasive and demanding."
"She acted like she was entitled to my personal medical history. She didn't even ask politely, just demanded to know how it happened, what the results were, if I tried X, Y, Z treatments, you name it."
"She even wanted to know about my sex life!"
"Just.. seriously? Who asks this stuff of a literal stranger unfortunate enough to be eating delicious fair food at the table area? I just stared at her in shock as my delicious deep fried BBQ got cold."
"So I smiled as politely as I could manage and this is where I may have been the a**hole. I started to ask her about her last [gynecologist] visit."
"Were the stirrups too high, did she have to do that awkward shimmy/scoot down the table, if the speculum was cold, if the PAP smear hurt, the usual. If she felt entitled to my answers, I should be entitled to her answers, right?"
"Well, she threw an absolute f'king fit."
"Started screaming and yelling that I was gross and a pervert and on and on and on. Her group tried to calm her down and one of them told me I should've just been polite and answered her questions."
"As far as I could tell this woman wasn't impaired in any way. She didn't have a carer or minder, she was with a group of friends and had been carrying on normally with them until she saw me."
"I got to the table, asked it the space was free and set up at the end of the table because my chair fits neatly on the end of one piece picnic benches."
"I told the group that if she wanted my personal and private medical information then she should trade info for info. Two of the people called me an a**hole when they left, trying to calm down their nearly 'hysterical' friend as they left."
"She was still screaming and shouting how I was a perv/cruel/mean. People were staring at me and I hated it."
"At the time I felt good for finally finding a shiny, new (but still broken) spine and standing up for myself. So to speak."
"I was talking to friends last night and they said I was an a**hole, I could've politely told her I wasn't going to tell her. I tried that when she came over and demanded answers—not even asked for them."
"Some of my friends believe in manners above all."
"Another is the sweetest person you've ever met. As a group they are some of the kindest, sweetest most compassionate people you could ever meet."
"Pretty sure they thought I was an AH because of the way I stooped to the woman's level. Normally I wouldn't but I was tired and cranky and my amazing deep fried BBQ was getting cold."
"So Reddit, I'm asking here."
"Am I the a**hole for not divulging my medical info and asking her about hers?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole.
"I think I might have been the a**hole for not just ignoring her."
"Instead, I asked her intimate medical questions that were just as personal as the information she demanded from me."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. I would have asked her friend 'Are you her caregiver? Please explain to her that her questions are so invasive'." ~ mslisath
"NTA. I greatly admire your shiny conversational spine."
"Lots of folks with wheelchairs, service dogs, mobility aides of other types, and carers come through my workplace. Yet somehow we ALL manage to resist asking ridiculously invasive questions."
"Yeah, the toddlers visiting might, but getting shut down and having proper behavior explained to them by their parents is part of their social learning curve." ~ Meghanshadow
"Sure, OP could have done what the friends were suggesting."
"We all could be the biggest person, taking the highest road, showing unending compassion and empathy at all times to anyone being an a**hole to us."
"But that doesn't mean we have to do that. And doesn't mean we're a**holes when we respond with anger or outrage or even snark."
"Nosey-McRude started it with her incredibly inappropriate behaviour and I firmly believe that it's not other people's responsibility to keep the peace or protect the perpetrator's feelings when they are the ones acting in an antisocial manner."
"There's something to be said for protecting your own calm and I strive to be the kind and unflappable person my mother wishes I'd grow into being."
"But lofty goals don't make other responses a**holery, and there's nothing wrong with getting angry when you're being treated poorly and, as in this case, giving someone a taste of their own medicine isn't out of line." ~ RavenWood_9
Some commiserated with the OP's experience.
"NTA I walk with a pronounced limp and I can't believe the questions people ask me." ~ Used_Anywhere379
"My former neighbor was paralyzed from the chest down and people felt they had a right to know if he had a catheter, did he use diapers, who wiped him. Omg I can't even believe the stuff he got asked."
"Same goes with folks thinking they have a right to know what a trans person's genitals look like."
"Like damn it's one thing to have a curious thought, and it's quite another to make anyone whose different than you bare the responsibility of explaining the most intimate details of their lives. NTA." ~ Rideak
"I also walk with a pronounced limp and sometimes use a cane. I don't 'look old enough' to be feeble."
"My condition is neurological, incurable and rare. Hardly anybody has heard of it."
"Mostly people will say 'how did you hurt yourself?' I hate it because I don't want to go through a long explanation that I didn't 'hurt myself' it's a medical condition, then they want to know about that."
"It is so tiresome. I just say 'it's a neurological thing' and continue whatever we're talking about. Most people get the hint. Some don't." ~ DahQueen19
"I have a limp, too, and it's incredible how many people ask about it. I don't have a witty answer. Sometimes I just stare at them."
"OP is so 100% NTA. I can't believe that others at the table were defending their horrible friend."
"Were these people born yesterday in an a**hole tank? I mean good God." ~ ClonePants
"NTA. It's usually very easy to tell if it's a 'I'm not great with social skills so I'm asking questions that mean well but are really invasive even as an adult' versus 'I clearly feel entitled to other people's personal information'."
"Usually the former will not react as the woman did."
"Abled people need to learn that they don't get to treat disabled people like objects for their amusement, and they're not going to learn if they're treated with kid gloves every time they do it."
"Ironically, it sounds like OP's spine was less fragile than that woman's feelings, even before the shiny new version 2.0." ~ NatchWon
Many remarked on the societal pressure to make nice, keep the peace or be unfailingly polite to rude people.
"NTA, not even close, and I truly don't understand how your friends could have thought you were. Your response was perfectly reasonable and also demonstrated the absurdity of her initial behaviour."
"Sure, it's nice to be polite. But politeness isn't owed to someone who disregards it themselves."
"That lady was rude and obnoxious and deserved to have her own sh*t thrown back in her face. Even funnier that she threw a fit for it—I guess she's not used to people not tolerating her awful personality." ~ gamblingGenocider
"I so agree with this, but I can tell you from experience interminably rude people do NOT."
"They just do their rudeness non-stop, expect the world to revolve around them and call out anyone who dares call out or reciprocate their rudeness, then deny ever being rude." ~ Radhruin-123
"It seems like there is a significant portion of people who think everyone is obligated to be a sweet lil' polite doormat regardless of the situation or else they're an a**hole."
"It's so wild to me. There's a middle ground between being polite/kind and being a jerk, it isn't one or the other." ~ Pollowollo
OP's friends may not have had her back, but Reddit did.
If someone feels entitled to demand intimate details from a stranger, they should be prepared to offer the same.
And as another saying goes, MYOB (Minding Your Own Business) is free.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.