Stay-At-Home Mom Berated By Husband For Using Money She Earned On Herself Instead Of Bills

There are different "love languages" for a reason, because everyone shows their love to their family, friends, and romantic partners in different ways.

But even with different love languages, they should still want the special people in their life to be happy, whatever that means to them, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.

Redditor plushieloveraita was a stay-at-home mom, because her husband wanted her to be one instead of paying for childcare, but as soon as she started her new role as a SAHM, he stopped providing any extras for her.

The Original Poster (OP) started cleaning houses to make a little money to be able to spend on herself, and he didn't even want her to treat herself with that money.

She asked the sub:

"Am I the a**hole for spending money on stuffed animals instead of bills?"

The OP, a stay-at-home mom, got a part-time job to buy herself some things.

"I'm a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) of three children. I quit my dream job to care for the kids, as childcare was expensive, and my husband didn't want us to pay for it, and said I'd have to find something else to do with the kids."

"We don't have roles for the household chores. Since I'm a SAHM, I'm expected to do it all, and it's a non-negotiable for him."

"I started cleaning and organizing family members' homes recently for spare money since I could take the younger kids with me while the oldest one is in school."

"I'm not making much, around $200 a month."

Before getting that part-time job, only the OP's husband had access to money.

"Before this, I could not make purchases, because I don't have a debit card."

"After the bills are paid each month, we consistently have 2,000 dollars left over. Most of that goes into our savings for our emergency fund, and the rest goes to my husband and none to me."

"He already decided his 'fun money' budget is whatever he feels like spending. He eats out or goes to the bar with friends pretty frequently, collects sports memorabilia, and buys clothes, cologne, various types of liquor, watches, etc."

"Every once in a while, he will approve me purchasing something or getting lunch with a friend. Realistically, I'd say he says 'yes' two or three times per year."

"I couldn't decide on my own to get childcare, because he won't let me. Even if I were to get a job, the expectation would still be that the household chores and children would be my responsibility."

Since the bills were already paid, the OP decided to treat herself.

"All our bills are already paid for, with a decent amount of money left after groceries/necessities, so I figured I'd use it for myself since I don't normally get to get myself anything."

"I use it towards specific stuffed animals I've really been wanting for a while, mostly, with some going towards getting lunch with my friend or going for coffee, or sometimes stuff for the kids, or for Valentine's Day, I got my husband a gift."

The OP's husband was furious when he found out she was spending money on herself.

"However, my husband got mad at me when he noticed I kept buying stuff."

"When I said I was only using the money I had made, he said that's not any better and that if I have money, I should be using it to pay bills, not on stupid stuff."

"He doesn't consider what I do at home as contributing but rather as something women are meant to do. He always reminds me that all of his friends' wives do it happily with no complaints."

"I didn't really have any counter to that, as it's true I'm not contributing at all. I just wanted to finally get to go out if I wanted to and buy stuff I like."

"I also thought there was no need to worry, since I didn't feel my little bit of money would do anything for us financially."

"So, was I wrong? Or is it reasonable to keep it for myself? Or should I pay one of the small bills ($150ish range) and just keep $50ish or so for myself each month?"

"AITA?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some firmly argued that the OP was contributing by providing all of the services that childcare and home care services would charge for.

"Tell him again how you aren't contributing financially. Not only are you contributing the equivalent of a monthly childcare bill, so hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars every month, but you also sacrificed your dream job so your family (husband) could live the life they want."

"Tell him to stuff it. NTA." - the_greengrace

"NTA. Are you supposed to always be working? And working at home, taking care of it and children IS WORK!, without never getting to do anything for yourself?! Tell him you want to trade places then. You go back to a career and let him see how "little" you contribute with your homemaker job." - disobedience-civility

"Men like this do not think that childcare is work. That's why they don't want to spend money on it. That's already disgusting to me, but the fact that he doesn't want to spend a cent on his WIFE or the MOTHER of his CHILDREN to simply make her HAPPY is what is really throwing me through a loop." - kaijutegu

"Someone once estimated that the jobs that a stay-at-home mothers perform are worth over $100,000 a year. In my area, daycare is about $600 a week per child."

"I was curious, so I've also done the math on this. At least in the past. I showed what I was currently making, how much daycare workers make, how much a cleaner would be, also a meal delivery service, a personal assistant, and a few other roles, and it turned out that if I had been paid for each role based on the numbers at the time, I should have been easily earning $200k a year."

"Most people don't realize when you're a SAHM that doesn't mean you're just sitting on the couch watching soap operas, but you are working just as hard, if not harder, because you want to make sure nobody goes without and the house is as clean as possible while also multitasking in ways most people wouldn't." - Genybear12

"Some men will stay home one day, stick the kid in a play pen, prop up a couple of bottles, change a couple of diapers, eat garbage, doom-scroll, and say, see? It was easy!"

"Mom cleans to a higher standard, interacts with the baby, making faces, singing songs, tickling feet, reciting nursery rhymes, reading books, narrating her day in full sentences because she read that it improves language development."

"She plans healthy meals, play dates, goes to the park, library for story time, to Mom-and-me music time, and other stimulating activities to improve social-emotional and cognitive development. She sets up sensory tables, water play, and arranges the playroom based on the Montessori method that she spent hours and hours researching."

"But he sees none of that, hasn't read a single parenting or child development book, doesn't research even as far as the dosing chart on a bottle of children's Motrin, and thinks all that stuff is silly. Appreciates none of it." - LitlThisLitlThat

"If he made you quit your job to be the breadwinner, but needs the $200 you make a month for help, he should evaluate his lack of ability to win the bread."

"You're not doing 'nothing.' You're taking on the childcare that was too expensive to pay for. That job doesn't lose its value simply because you aren't being paid. Use your money for what you want and tell him if he doesn't like it, you can go back to your dream job so you have money to do both." - Migistat

Others urged the OP to open her eyes and understand that this easily qualified as financial abuse.

"This is a very common tactic. Get her to quit her high-paying job, so she is entirely financially reliant on him, and has a big enough resume gap that she will likely have to spend years working to get anywhere near what she was previously making. She is now trapped and financially reliant on him, so he can abuse her freely."

"NTA, OP, but seriously, you should consider your safety with the current arrangement." - RosieAU93

"NTA. Please, PLEASE get rid of the notion that you're not contributing anything at all. Being a SAHM IS a job, and it's saving your family childcare costs, plus I'm guessing you keep up the house, cook meals, etc."

"Does your husband spend money on you? Does your husband spend any of the money he makes on himself? If the answers are no and yes, in that order, then you need to have a serious conversation with your husband." - ReadTeachTravel

"OP, start a hidden savings account for yourself." - friendlypeopleperson

"As a fellow stuffed animal lover, I TOTALLY get the allure of getting yourself a new cuddly buddy and how much nicer I sleep with more friends."

"That said, at least for nowwww, OP should reconsider her purchase of stuffed animals and be squirreling the money away for the inevitable time when he goes to trade her for the younger model he met at work who is more 'fun' and who wants the kids to call her 'mommy.' Not that that has ever happened in the history of the world..." - PokeyWeirdo12

"NTA. Your bills are already paid. Your husband is a controlling a-hole, you shouldn't have let him force you to quit your job if you didn't want to." - ConflictGullible392

"Sit down, look at a budget. If your bills are paid, you should each have some discretionary income. If your husband has the same designated fun money, he can't complain."

"But your main contribution is the amount you are saving the family on childcare, cleaning, takeout bills, etc. You are contributing labor instead of direct cash, and it's very valuable labor."

"Also, if you want to go back to work, do."

"I am concerned you are being financially abused by your husband. If he forced you to quit your job, he cannot then complain that you don't earn money. It reads like he just doesn't want you to have any independent joy." - farsighted451

"You're being both emotionally and financially abused. I'm sure there's even more to this with the type of temperament your husband exhibits."

"Please contact your local domestic violence resource. They have free or low-cost therapy that will help you understand that you are being victimized. You need to educate yourself about your situation immediately."

"If this relationship doesn't balance itself out, you will find other options with support. They will help you create and execute a secret exit plan, plan for separation, or any other support you might need. Call today, and please educate yourself. This is not a good situation." - jenzoni

"This is massive financial abuse. Once he asks for you to support his career by stopping yours, nothing he earns is 'his money,' it's fully equally yours. And now he's saying your side gigs while still supporting his career are ALSO his money. Nope. Time to rethink staying married to that one." - HelenGonne

"Your husband is an @ss. I'm also a SAHM, and my husband never refers to the money as 'his.' It's ours. Your husband is financially abusing you, girl. I ask this with the best intentions, but what other red flags are you missing?" - _Counting_Worms_1

The subreddit was alarmed by how the OP was being treated in her own home, especially with all of the at-home responsibilities, including her children, falling on her.

Everyone deserves to be able to go out and get a nice meal with friends, grab a drink they like, and purchase something that just makes them happy, all in the same day, let alone next-to-never.

The fact that this husband was treating his wife this way was startling at best.