If there’s one time where you get to have things “your way,” as it were, it’s your birthday.
That doesn’t mean that everyone you celebrate the day with will enjoy your decisions.
But as it’s your birthday, and not theirs, then it’s not their place to say anything.
That doesn’t stop some people from expressing their opinions.
Redditor ConfidenceSilver2215 was in the process of planning their birthday, and knew exactly what they wanted to do.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)’s stepfather was not thrilled with this decision, claiming it would be challenging to the point of impossible for him to enjoy himself.
This led him to ask the OP to change their plans, which the OP flatly refused.
Wondering if they were wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITAH).
Unlike the similar “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
“AITAH for not changing my birthday plans to accommodate step dad’s allergies?”
The OP explained why their stepfather was not looking forward to celebrating their birthday with them:
“I will be turning 29 in February.”
“I was raised catholic but would consider myself spiritual now, although I do attend mass occasionally.”
“If you weren’t aware- Catholics have a belief you can’t eat meat on Fridays or Ash Wednesday in lent.”
“My parents never forced this on me, and I never saw the logic, so I have never followed it.”
“But, I am not a big meat eater, so usually I inadvertently would end up following the rule lol.”
“My parents got divorced when I was in high school.”
“My mom got remarried a little under two years ago after a quick 6-month engagement, and knowing each other for a year.”
“My stepdad is a hardcore catholic who will not eat meat on Ash Wednesday (my birthday falls on it this year) and also has a shellfish allergy.”
“In lies the problem- my mom and stepdad say I’m being selfish for not changing my birthday plans because the restaurant I’ve gone to every year since I was 16 will not have a non-meat non-shellfish option.”
“I tried explaining that I do feel bad, but then he’ll just have to have an app and salad or something like that.”
“My mom feels I should change my plans to accommodate her husband (who, btw, we are not close with at all and has often crossed many boundaries with myself, my husband, or our young daughter).”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to change their birthday plans to accommodate their stepfather.
While some were surprised that a restaurant wouldn’t have any vegetarian or non-shellfish options, they also agreed that the OP deserved to spend their birthday however they wanted to, and the OP simply had to deal with that:
“Mom, I love you.”
“This is my birthday celebration, and I am celebrating at this restaurant.”
“When it is the stepfather’s birthday, he can celebrate it at the restaurant of his choosing.”
“I’ll understand if stepfather is not able to attend, but I am firm in my decision to celebrate at this restaurant.”
“Just as I have since I was 16. It’s a tradition.”
“I am not going to discuss this anymore.”
“Please let me know if he’ll be attending or not so I can ensure the reservation reflects the correct number of guests.”- Personal-Y
“You’ve had the same tradition for 13 years, and he’s only been a part of your mum’s life for 2 1/2.”
“He’s not your stepdad, really, is he?”
“If you were 26 when they met.”
“He has no authority within the family.”
“And he’s being ridiculous and controlling if he can’t find a single dish that’s vegetarian or fish but not shellfish.”- crispycat40
“Are you trying to tell me the restaurant doesn’t have a single vegetarian option on the menu?”
“That’s a highly unusual restaurant in this day and age.”- PetersMapProject
“So this strict follower of the religion won’t bend that rule, but he married a divorced woman.”
“I am not anyone’s judge, but I don’t understand why these people want to choose what to be a stickler about.”- mcmurrml
“‘We’ll miss you’ and keep it pushing.”
“While I’m not one now, I’ve been a vegetarian for many years.”
“I can’t think of a single restaurant I or my friends have gone to where I couldn’t find something to eat.”
“I can’t think of a pasta dish where they aren’t okay removing the protein.”
“At a steakhouse, two or three sides, mashed potato or baked potato, greens or green beans, etc is more than enough.”
“Even a Brazilian steakhouse has vegetarian options.”- TALKTOME0701
“He could always stay home while you go out.”- MrsNuggs
“NTA.”
“You have invited them and if he doesn’t want to come, it is fine.”
“You don’t have to accommodate your stepdad.”- BerneDoodleLover24
“NTA.”
“It’s your birthday.”
“Also, in reality, he is not your stepfather so much as he is your mother’s husband.”
“He did not parent you.”
“They married when you were 27.”
“If your mother’s husband insists on making your birthday plans about him, then he can stay home if he can’t figure out how to add to your celebration in a positive way.”- Due_Challenge_1777
“The whole point of fasting is to sacrifice, not find a loophole.”
“He has a shellfish allergy, not a fish allergy.”
“Bring on the cod.”- jensmith20055002
“Religious rules are for the person practicing them.”
“Period.”
“NTA.”- mela_99
“Your mother is a divorced catholic and they are worried about eating meat?”– Consistent_Low2080
“NTA.”
“Interesting that he’s a hardcore Catholic who married someone who was divorced.”
“It seems like he’s able to pick and choose what he wants to adhere to.”- crossstitchbeotch
“NTA.”
“Whose birthday is it again?”
“Yours, not his. If he is that distraught over it, he can bring his own safe food.”- Any_Armadillo7098
“How can a hard-core Catholic be married to a divorced woman?”- TigerBelmont
“I turned 21 on Ash Wednesday.”
“Know what doesn’t have meat in it?”
“Alcohol! It all worked out.”
“Have the celebration you want.”
“NTA.”- MizLucinda
“Hi, Roman Catholic here.”
“The fish thing was the church’s way of control, never actually about God.”
“Your stepdad can eat appetizers, salad, soup, and dessert.”
“He could also get something beforehand.”
“You are continuing a tradition, not asking him to eat something he is allergic to or break his religious beliefs.”- azurdee
“He got remarried.”
“He can’t be that hard-core Catholic…just saying.”-
Certain_Candidate248
“NTA.”
“Tell Mom you’re not changing your plans to accommodate him.”
“Remind your mother that in the past there have been issues with your stepfather not respecting your boundaries and while you appreciate his adherence to his religion, this is your birthday and you will celebrate where you wish.”- SubstantialQuit2653
“The no meat thing is just a control thing.”
“It’s bullsh*t.”- Commercial_Smile_654
“Stepdad can stay home and not ruin your birthday plans.”
“NTA.”- Daisytru
“He can do what every vegan and vegetarian has had to do at least once and ‘just get the salad’.”
“Abstinence and sacrifice are literally the point of Ash Wednesday.”
“Sounds like an opportunity to show off how devout he is (laughs in irony).”-Remote_Bumblebee2240
“‘We understand that it doesn’t work out this year’.”
“And keep repeating as necessary.”
“And the expression is ‘herein lies’.”- streamconscious-ness
“Easy solution is to have your birthday dinner as normal with everyone that can attend, and then a second dinner with your mom/step-dad another day.”
“Not sure how your parents are, but with my divorced parents having a birthday dinner with both of them together would be a nightmare anyways.”- PettyYetiSpaghetti
“NTA.”
“From the sounds of it, he doesn’t even deserve an invitation.”
“Enjoy your birthday.”
“Religious people can ruin everything and anything.”
“It’s what they do.”
“Don’t let him ruin your birthday.”- TaxiLady69
The OP later returned with an update, offering some further insight on their situation:
“Someone commented that my mom and stepdad are in fact exempt from Lenten abstinence and fasting on Ash Wednesday because of their age, so my stepdad could in fact order whatever meat he wanted.”
“I texted my mom this, and her response was ‘well, we still like to on Ash Wednesday’.”
“So it’s purely her trying to control situations as usual.”- ConfidenceSilver2215
One can’t help but wonder if the restaurant really doesn’t have an option the OP’s stepfather can eat, or if he’ll just be jealous of what everyone else is eating?
Something particularly silly, considering it doesn’t even apply to him at the end of the day!
Either way, if the OP wants to celebrate her birthday at this particular restaurant, that is her right.
And if the OP’s stepfather has any interest in improving his relationship with them, he’d better find a way of dealing with it…