Whether it was a friendship or romantic relationship, we've all experienced that feeling of caring about someone else more than they care about us, and we can all agree that it sucks.
But it hurts way more when you think that your forever person loves you, only to find out that marriage or long-term relationship was incredibly one-sided, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor MonthFar2068 was in what she believed was a loving and happy ten-year relationship with her common-law partner.
But when his affair partner showed up with her baby, demanding that she move in instead, the Original Poster (OP)'s whole world came crashing down.
She asked the sub:
"My common-law husband is in Dubai, and his side piece showed up at my door with their baby. AITAH for kicking her out even though she is basically homeless?"
The OP thought she had a happy long-term relationship.
"My 'husband' (41 Male) and I (40 Female) have been together for 10 years in a common-law marriage."
"I considered these years to be very loving and happy, but apparently, he didn't feel the same way, since he had a side piece."
"I make furniture and make around one million euros per year. My husband is a teacher and makes around 60 thousand per year. It goes without saying that I provide for us."
"I don't ask what he does with his salary. We live way below our means because we are both minimalists, though we do have a big house, nice cars, and lots of art. Everything is mine, however."
But then the OP realized her partner was living a double life.
"Apparently, he met his side piece (25 Female) and started dating her under false pretenses. He told her that we were legally married so he owned half of my company and everything else I own."
"When she got pregnant, he started spending his salary on her. I wasn't alarmed because I've never asked him what he did with his money and didn't realize he was spending it all on another family."
"Now, he is in Dubai on vacation."
The OP was forced to come face-to-face with her partner's reality.
"Here's where it gets crazy. The lease on the other woman's apartment expired, so she just showed up at my door with her baby."
"She told me that she was my partner's girlfriend, and that he was getting a divorce, so she might as well live in his house while I could live in a hotel because I could afford it. She didn't have any money or home."
"She literally refused to step out of the house, so I called the police and locked myself in the greenhouse. When the police came, she was literally unpacking the child's clothes in the living area."
"They escorted her out. I was very shaken. Later, during my last conversation with my ex-partner, I found out all the details I included above."
The OP was still processing.
"My husband's mother thought I was an AH for kicking out a little baby on the street. That was her only grandson. She said I used and abused my money and power to control everything around me."
"But honestly, teachers make 60 thousand a year, so if he gave her his salary, I can't understand why she would be so homeless and destitute. She had big designer bags, a designer stroller, and these Van Cleef and Arpels jewelry when she showed up at my home, so something doesn't add up."
"But now I am the AH for not supporting her and not kicking myself out of my house?"
"AITAH?"
As the comments started to come in, the OP was grateful for a clean break.
"When my ex's partner showed up, my ex started acting pathetic and trickle-truthing like anyone like him does. He tried to say it was a one-time thing and she tricked him into having a baby, the baby is not his and he can prove it, blah blah blah. She's just a friend who he helped house, but she turned on him, this isn't his fault, blah blah blah."
"My last text from me personally to him was to tell him to grow up and act like a father. Now I only talk to him through my lawyer."
"Fortunately in my country, my partner and I have no rights to each other's assets, money, bank accounts, or anything."
"My grandma's partner of 38 years had no rights to her assets when she passed. She signed off some money to him, but that was all. Everything else went to her daughters, and believe me, he fought for years in court to get some of what was left but he got nothing. He simply had no rights after 38 years together because common-law husbands and wives mean nothing in my country."
The OP and her family were also trying to process everything that happened.
"He wants to come home early from his trip and explain, but what is there to explain? I have no desire for answers. I feel only emptiness."
"I've filled in my family and his family on what is going on, and my family is as shocked as I am. I think we all need some time for this to sink in and I start the grieving process."
"And honestly, I don't hold no hard feelings towards his mother. I have a mother myself and I have seen her happiness when my brother became a father. My ex-partner is an only child and he was child-free or at least he pretended to be, so she had no hope of becoming a grandmother. Imagine finding out that you are."
"If there's any chance for that baby to find some love and happiness, it will be with her."
"She hasn't contacted me and I don't want her to. She will probably tell my ex-partner I told you so about him not popping the question. I would never have wanted a legally binding paper to anyone, but when I was younger and still didn't have my business, I would probably have said yes and gladly so because I wanted so much for him to ask me. I would have been singing to a different tune right now."
"It is these thoughts that make it easier for me to cope now. It could have been much worse and sometimes you hate what's happening but a few years later, you realize it was for the better."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some encouraged the OP to protect herself during this whirlwind of changes.
"If he has half a brain, he's on the way home right now to do damage control. Locks need to be changed immediately. Hire a company to pack all of his stuff up and send it to his mommy's house."
"Get a security system with cameras. Do everything today, as you might not have as much time as you think."
"Also, make sure you remove his access to any financial accounts. He's probably been spending your money, too." - NHRADeuce
"You should probably burn your bed, too, by the way. I'm betting affair chick knew where you lived because she's already been there with her boyfriend." - llamadramalover
"You should take this time to pack up his stuff and drop it off at his mom's, AND change the locks, wifi passwords, access to bank accounts, credit cards, everything."
"EVERYTHING."
"Nuke him." - Wwwweeeeeeee
"He doesn't need anything to explain. He wanted his cake and to eat it, too. He can sort the two of them out and you can look after number one."
"I'm so sorry he has been so selfish and dishonest with you. Pack his s**t into some big boxes and leave it in the garage for him to collect. Hopefully, he can't access the house from there."
"Let him know you're done with his lies and you need space to heal and move on from his selfishness. Not your deal other than your poor heart. His mum can take him in if she's so adamant you're in the wrong. Good riddance to her too." - Werm_Vessel
"We are absolutely begging for updates on this when that cheating h*e ex-husband returns. I really wanna know what other deranged delulu (delusional)P nonsense he conjures up. I absolutely live for stupid as f**k lies."
"I too have an ex-husband that will say the DUMBEST s**t while lying and then get p**sed off when he's obviously not believed; trying to make himself the victim and everyone else the bad people who are trying to 'make him look like s**t and feel bad about something he didn't do or couldn't avoid.'"
"That dumba** lied about paying rent like that was never going to come to light. In-f**king-sane."
"As much as you may never want to see him again, unfortunately, at least for a LITTLE while, I don't think you'll have a choice."
"That dude is losing what sounds like a very comfortable lifestyle that you provided for him, and now his teaching salary is going to have to be spent on ACTUAL living expenses instead of fun toys and side pieces. He'll be left with an affair partner, an affair baby that it sounds like he doesn't want (honestly, poor baby), no house, and a crappy salary."
"I can see him just showing up and probably harassing you. Protect yourself." - llamadramalover
Others applauded the OP for being so level-headed during such a traumatic time.
"Imagine going to someone else house and telling that person that can go to live in a hotel. The level of audacity!" - Stomach_Junior
"I think the affair partner has been asking OP's husband to become official for some time now, and the husband wouldn't do it for pretty obvious reasons. The affair partner wouldn't take no for an answer and thought, 'If he isn't doing it, I will, and he will have no choice but to accept it,' and that's why she chose to do her little plan while he was on his holiday, so she could not be stopped."
"She didn't plan that she was lied to and would be throwing their cover for absolutely nothing."
"Either way, the OP is NTA and staying classy through this dumpster fire." - Practical_Bet3053
"I'm guffawing at her getting pregnant with an anchor baby, thinking she'd won the lottery. Both of them deserve each other. She trusted the word of a lying cheat, and he trusted the morals of a younger woman who accepted a lying cheat for a partner."
"The baby is innocent, but not OP's responsibility. Maaaybe side pieces shouldn't use children to lock down men, and maaaybe men shouldn't cheat (and especially on their own personal golden goose). Now take care of your mess and leave OP alone." - darkdesertedhighway
"I'm so pleased you are not married and own the property. You can disentangle from him easily. The side piece needs to educate herself on basic family law. Bye to him and bye to her. I'm sorry for the heartbreak, though." - Mjukplister
"NTA. What the f**k?? You are not married to him. Your home is not his. You owe this woman and her child nothing."
"As for the affair partner, if she had come and asked for help and you refused, there could have been some grounds for calling you cold and unfeeling. But she came with demands, plunked herself and her baby into your house, and refused to leave. You had every right to throw her out."
"As for your ex-partner's mother, she is welcome to take her in, including the baby, if she feels so strongly about it. This woman can sell her designer bags and her jewelry and make a deposit on a rented apartment. Not your circus, not your monkeys."
"And consider getting a divorce lawyer and starting proceedings before your husband gets back. Cheating is something that can sometimes be forgiven and moved on from, but having a baby with her and telling her that he owns half of your property is something else." - DawnShakhar
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a full update in another post.
"Many of you are asking for an update, so here is what's happened this past week and what is going to happen."
"I will never see him again. It is over. He is back from his trip, and he wasn't expecting to start his summer vacation this way."
"My lawyer has already contacted him about what he's owed. It will be transported to his mother's apartment. Whatever more he thinks he is owed, he can sue me, and I will be ready, and I hope he can afford my lawyers when he loses whatever lawsuit he plans to file."
"Apparently, the apartment that his girlfriend lost was his. He was sending her money for the rent, but she spent it on Prada instead."
"He swears that the baby isn't his and that he is 'going to demand a paternity test' like it would make any difference. Maybe for the baby, yeah, I hope to god that the child isn't his, so maybe there is a small chance for that baby to have a better future and more loving parents. But it wouldn't change how I feel about him; he still decided that his relationship with me wasn't enough."
"I am moving in with my parents. Right now I am in a hotel, but I have no desire to be in that house again with all the memories. I am selling it, and while I find a new home and sell this one, I will just live with my family to save some money and heal."
"The girlfriend has contacted me a few times via social media because she needs to talk. She wants proof that we aren't married because he told her that we were. I don't do delusion, so I just blocked her. She has tried to contact me via her friends and mine, so now everyone knows the truth without me needing to make an announcement."
"Anything we purchased during the time we were living together falls under 'joint estate' and is divided equally no matter who the purchaser is. I have no problems dividing these assets in half."
"I have bought our house and some of my expensive art during the time we have been partners, and they would have been joint assets if we didn't have cohabitation agreements in place around these expensive purchases. He has no rights to them. Unlike prenups, etc., they are not as easy to contest because he is not legally married to me."
"Under different circumstances, I would probably have given him more than what he is going to get now because I am like that in general. If he had ended things, if he told me he wanted out and that he didn't love me anymore, I would have understood, because I know that relationships end and people fall out of love."
"He could have respected me enough to give me that at least, but he didn't. So I will literally be counting spoons and napkins and he will not get a dime over what he is owed."
Some continued to applaud the OP for how maturely she handled the situation.
"I think you are an extremely mature woman. Even if your heart is hurt, you are still able to stay well and distant from everyone who makes you suffer."
"I hope your ex doesn't give you trouble. His mistress must be crazy because maybe his mother must have said how much he really earns and that he has no right and is not even a rich man as he seemed to her."
"Thank God you can get out of this with your head held high. I hope he doesn't disturb you." - pupyzoe
"Wow. You are amazing and so level-headed. He's an id**t for f**king up and being awful to you. He lost a truly great woman. I'm so sorry, but I'm really glad you're getting away from him because you deserve better than him." - throwitaway3857
"This stupid man threw away a relationship with a mature and successful woman who loved him to have an apparently gold-digging side piece that he lied through his teeth to."
"I'm glad the OP had all her bases covered. Hope he likes living with his mother or in whatever place he can afford on his salary." - 3Heathens_Mom
"I'm so so glad you weren't married to that cheating loser, and it's so sweet reading how he screwed himself. I would love to see how their transactional relationship turns out now that she realizes she baby-trapped a teacher and not someone with half a company and other assets!"
"He's a huge loser as well, as he had to buy her love, so you're well without this guy!"
"I'm sorry again that he put you through this, but good to see you weren't screwed over in the breakup! I definitely encourage not giving him a penny extra of anything so be as petty as your heart desires." - UnusualPotato1515
"This is a terrible situation, but I am so proud of you. It will hurt, because betrayal does, but it could have been so much worse. Good for you for getting out and taking control of your life rather than letting your ex and his side piece dictate your narrative. Wishing the best for you." - Sqdata
"I think you're strong as h**l and did everything right. Despite those really dark moments, I know you're going to live a much better life without this person in it. Enjoy your own company, time with your family, and treat yourself well." - chormomma
The subReddit readily applauded the OP for taking care of herself and for handling this situation in such a calm and mature way.
While she was surely hurt to find out that her ten-year relationship was one-sided and that she was being used for her money, the OP could find solace in knowing that she could provide for herself easily and that she also didn't have divorce proceedings to look forward to.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.