Sometimes family members need to be cut out of one another's lives.
Some people's demons are just too toxic to deal with.
So not everybody can be at every family event.
These lines in the sand can be difficult to navigate.
Redditor thankful-4-this-day wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not inviting my brother to my wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (29 F[emale]) do not want to invite my (27 M[ale]) brother to my wedding."
"I am getting married in Italy this fall."
"I have vowed never to travel with my little brother again."
"At my mom's wedding, he purposefully left me at a gas station in another state."
"On my sister's birthday cruise, he stole my drink card, slammed 30 drinks in an evening, and screamed at me for 45 minutes at 5 am that I'm a bi*ch."
"One time, he was watching my sister's dog, decided he no longer felt like it, and abandoned the dog on a street in a neighborhood 30 minutes away."
"Luckily, the dog was chipped and didn't get hit by a car before someone rescued him."
"That's just a taste. "
"He's gotten blackout drunk on more than 10 occasions and screamed at me that I'm a bi*ch."
"He's never apologized."
"In addition to being a raging alcoholic with anger issues, he frequently sneaks weed and vapes places and will do it inside."
"So I made the decision that I don't want him there."
"My family did not like that."
"They're basically saying that it's not fair not to include family and that they'd be uncomfortable coming if he's not invited."
"And when I tell them WHY he's not invited, they completely ignore that he's verbally abusive to me and has substance abuse issues and turn it back on me that 'it would be a mistake that I can't take back and I'd regret it forever.'"
"But like, if I were to even consider it, he'd need to FIRST apologize, he's getting breathalyzed at the door, and he's not drinking!"
"Which, sorry, but on my wedding day, I'd rather be painted to be a 'controlling b*tch' than enable him to ruin the ONLY day that's about me?
The OP was left to wonder:
"I don't know... am I the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"As a recovering alcoholic who was never invited to weddings, you are NTA."
"You may be the first, but you won't be the last to tell your selfish, sick brother no."
"Keep telling him no."
"Tell him straight up that you don't like the way he behaves when alcohol is in his system, and that is that. alcoholism isnt immoral in itself, we just do selfish, immoral things when it hits our brains. and you do NOT have to enable or deal with it."
"All alcoholics lose family and friends." ~ Confident_Spring_265
"NTA, they'd be uncomfortable if the raging, abusive alcoholic isn't invited?"
"Well, you'd be uncomfortable if he was, and it's YOUR wedding." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"NTA. Your brother needs help, not a wedding invite."
"Your family is enabling your brother's addiction by prioritizing his volatility over your wedding day."
"You need to truly observe what your family does and make some decisions about what level of involvement you want with them after this, not just your brother." ~ matsie
"Your family is mad because in their minds, you're used to the poor treatment, so you should just have more."
"This is a terrible thing they have done to you. NTA."
"And honestly, if they are ok with him abandoning you (and the dog), why would you want them at your wedding?"
"Ask if the facility can provide security."
"Pay for it if you need to."
"Congratulations."
"I wish you love and peace forever." ~ Deb_elf
"NTA - Don't invite him."
"You won't regret that."
"I would go N[o] C[ontact] to him anyway."
"He sounds awful and would probably ruin your wedding."
"If your family can't see why you are not inviting him, they can stay home as well."
"Maybe just elope." ~ BerneDoodleLover24
"Hard agree."
"I feel like they're giving an ultimatum, hoping she'll just invite him."
"Let them not come and let them be the ones that 'regret it forever.'" ~ Grouchy_Button_2101
"NTA, 'I'm sorry you can't make it. I respect your decision. We'll miss you, but I'll try to share photos online with you afterward.'"
"Call. That. Bluff."
"If that's their decision, then that's your decision."
"Hold firm now because just imagine what he'll do if you ever have a child."
"Time for boundaries now." ~ RedneckDebutante
"NTA. I didn't invite my best friend and only bridesmaid's BIL because of similar issues."
"He still brings it up to this day, it's been 13 years, and I STILL don't regret my decision."
"Tell your family that this is your choice and you are holding firm to it."
"They can base their attendance on that, however they see fit, but they will need to RSVP accordingly, just like everyone else, well in advance."
"I'd also suggest having some groomsmen or other family/friends that would be willing to act as security and keep your brother out should anyone try to sneak him in/he shows up uninvited." ~ Discount_Mithral
"NTA. Your family is enabling him; it's crazy that they can't see the problem when you have been abandoned in a different state."
"I doubt you will get through to them now, after all these years and incidents, if you take a clear stance, some will side with him."
"Also, if you opt for not inviting him, make a plan for what you do if he shows up just in case." ~ lellyla
"NTA. It's your wedding, and you don't want your abusive brother there."
"If people have a problem with it, they don't have to go either."
"This sounds like a classic case of the 'easy' sibling being expected to tolerate the BS of the 'difficult' sibling to keep the peace in the family (because they know that there is no reasoning with the difficult one)." ~ Hello_JustSayin
"NTA Don't invite him."
"It's your wedding, not your mother's."
"Hire security, in case he tries to crash it."
"Chances are good that your mother will buy him a ticket and not tell you."
"If she does, play it cool and try to get the travel information from her, then call the airline, police, immigration, etc., and give them his name and let them know he will be traveling with weed and probably drunk."
"Italy has all kinds of weed laws depending on where in Italy you are located."
"He might not make it into the country, then, problem solved." ~ Classic_Ad3987
"NTA. You shouldn't tolerate that behavior on any day."
"If they're 'uncomfortable' attending, you could always make it easy for them and just mark them down as RSVP no and move on."
"This way theres no conflict for them to complain about day of." ~ bmw5986
"NTA. Honestly, I would rather have a stress-free, drama-free destination wedding with zero family in attendance than have him there to potentially ruin it."
"Any person who doesn't attend as some form of 'unity' with your brother would be told that they would be treated from that point on with the same disdain that you have for him."
"They are choosing sides."
"Also tho, take into account that I've been married 30 years and have zero tolerance for people who choose to be difficult and bring drama to my life."
"Even if they are family." ~ Jenk1972
"NTA. If this is going to cause disruption with your family, and if you're hosting a wedding in a different country, I'd consider eloping or having a micro wedding with just very close family and a few friends."
"If Italy is your home country, I'd consider hiring security at the door."
"It's your day, and you get to invite who you truly want to be there." ~ justmekab60
"NTA- tell your family the only regret is not setting boundaries before."
"He doesn't deserve to be invited."
"You want your day for you, not some drunk who will end up in an Italian jail."
"You are not controlling, and you deserve a peaceful wedding."
"While you probably want your family there, your parents will make sure your brother is there too." ~ KiriYogi
"NTA. I wouldn't invite any family members who sweep his crap under the rug."
"I have a feeling your parents will bring him along anyway. So."
"Get security, and tell your family to either see his sh*t or don't come." ~ amazonrae
"Super loud NTA!"
"Even a small fraction of any of those reasons is enough to withhold an invite."
"Definitely hire security for your wedding and have several wedding party members be ready to assist if he tries to show."
"I'm sorry your family is not supportive of this."
"I hope your day is wonderful."
"Currently planning a wedding myself, and I uninvited my twin for similar reasons, so I felt immediately protective of your experience."
"Best wishes!!!" ~ Various_Climate_6260
"NTA. I'm surprised you are still in contact with him."
"The fact that he has abused you and some of your family is unacceptable."
"Do not let him crash your wedding on top of this abuse."
"This day is about you and your spouse."
"Your abusive brother will ruin it."
"DO NOT bend for him."
"Your family, who are enabling his shitty behaviour is no better than him."
"I sincerely hope you go full no contact with him."
"I hope you have a wonderful and peaceful wedding. Good luck." ~ Haunting_Aide421
OP had a soft update:
"No one in my family except for my sister is replying to my texts 🙃."
This is a rough situation, OP.
Reddit is with you.
Your brother does not get to control your wedding.
Don't be afraid to put yourself first.
