Kids living at home and not moving out as adults is a growing trend in this difficult economy.
Saving money is on everyone's mind.
Some adults have gone to living arrangement extremes while still staying with parents.
But a lot of parents are reaching their limits with this situation.
Some doors can't stay open forever.
Redditor ElectricalTest6385 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for asking my daughter to move out?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My daughter is in her 30's."
"She went through a divorce and moved in with my wife and me about 4 years ago."
"We do not charge rent, and she is in a 1000ft apartment in our basement with a full bath, bed, living area, and we all share a kitchen."
"While the relationship is generally fine, it can be inconvenient to have another adult person living with us."
"She is now getting remarried, but informed us that she is going to remain here while her new husband remains in his apartment because his place is small."
"For reference, his apartment is 2 bedroom with 1 bath and a small one-room kitchen and living area."
"I informed her that her presence here is inconvenient for us, and I believe she is remaining here out of fear of inconveniencing her new husband."
"She swears that they are looking for a house and will be 'out soon," but I am afraid that this could take years."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for asking her to move out of my house and in with her husband?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the a**hole.
"NTA. It is so strange that she isn't planning to move in with her husband that I can only guess that she is angling for you to allow her husband to move into your house with her."
"Then you'll have two adults living rent-free on your dime."
"If you want her out, then charge her market rate." ~ Appropriate-Bar-2822
"This sounds like the most likely reason."
"It doesn't make sense otherwise."
"She stays."
"Then a little later she asks if hubby can stay so they 'save money and get on their feet.'"
"Next thing you know, they'll be asking if parents can switch places with them and live in the basement while they live upstairs." ~ AstrayInTranslation
"The only thing I can understand is moving suuucks."
"I DO understand wanting to put off an additional move."
"However, I feel like OP is correct."
"Finding a place 'suitable' for both of them could take a considerable amount of time."
"OP needs to set a timeline for her move-out date."
"The daughter needs to stick to the timeline even if that means moving in with her husband and putting some stuff in storage."
"Why wouldn't she want to stay in a home with her new husband?"
"That seems problematic in itself."
"If it's just a space thing, they need to downsize."
"Perhaps they are sowing seeds to move him in."
"Please have a talk with your daughter, OP, and get to the bottom of all of this." ~ Kellbows
"NTA. She's getting married."
"Her husband's place is big enough for 2 adults."
"Tell her it's time she starts adulting." ~ Technical-Neck7407
"First of all, the main red flag here is that your daughter doesn't want to inconvenience her new husband."
"His apartment has a kitchen, bath, and 2 bedrooms - perfect for newlyweds."
"Why doesn't she want to move in with him?"
"They are just trying to save money as you don't charge rent."
"This will turn out to be a disaster, and I can see them trying to put you and your wife in the smaller apartment, and they take over your house."
"Put your foot down and say absolutely not." ~ TeachStock773
"Oh, the husband will suddenly have a home emergency."
"Pest control most likely."
"Fumigation."
"Just needs to be out for a day or two and stays with the new wife."
"Then, oh, it's caused a bigger issue, some repairs."
"Next thing, they are living rent-free with OP and renting his place out as two beds and one bathroom is perfect for roommates."
"Double the rent no less."
"No need for daughter to move house while they get 'passive income' and all the perks of rent-free life with mom and dad."
"That shared kitchen absolutely also means co mingling of some groceries or staple goods, which saves even further on top of no rent, no bills."
"One wonders who is paying for the wedding and how aspirational it is."
"Daughter should have a nice chunk saved after 4 years rent-free." ~ IFeelMoiGerbil
"If my partner continued to live with their parents after getting married, I would wonder what the hell I just married into."
"I don't care how small my apartment is, I would want them by my side."
"I would have a sit-down with your daughter and ask her why she is hesitant to move in with him." NTA." ~ Potential_Ad_1397
"Wow. NTA."
"How do you inconvenience your husband by moving in with him?"
"My first concern is what kind of relationship do they have if this is a real concern of hers?"
"If it's simply about her 'stuff', then she can rent a storage unit for her things until they find a place together."
"But as fiances... I would imagine they will share a bedroom in his 2-bedroom apartment."
"Basically, she'd rather continue to inconvenience you rather than her husband-to-be?"
"Crazy."
"Out she goes." ~ LiveKindly01
"NTA. Your daughter is married to another person and doesn't want to inconvenience them by moving into their home?"
"Helping your children out should always be a thing parents do, but at a point, it becomes a situation where they are being harmed more than being helped."
"Maybe I'm old school, but I would NEVER marry someone without having lived with them; odds are she'll be back at some point if she married someone she's never cohabitated with." ~ Laugh_In_Pieces
"Being in your 30s and not paying your parents rent is crazy."
"I started paying my parents rent when I was 19."
"At least ask for some rent money, NTA." ~ REDDIT
"NTA. She's essentially choosing your basement over a life with her husband."
"That's a huge red flag for their marriage and a huge burden on you."
"It's time for a formal 30-day or 60-day notice."
"If they are serious about looking for a house, they can do that from his 2-bedroom apartment." ~ Beneficial-Mindy
"NTA. I understand moving back in with family after divorce, as it takes time to heal and recover, emotionally and financially."
"However, when you're healed/mature enough to make the adult decision to get remarried, you're able to live independently."
"If she's not moving out, it's because she has it too easy at your place." ~ ValleyGirlSlang44
"She is getting married but not going to live with her husband???"
"Seriously???"
"Your daughter is not 30, she's acting like a 12-year-old."
"She wanted a pretty dress and a nice party, but doesn't want to live with a stinky boy, but will stay with mummy and daddy forever 😂."
"Oh, you most definitely need to pull on your biggest and strongest boots and shove them right behind her a**."
"She isn't going to grow up without you making her."
"It's time to shove that birdie out of the comfortable nest."
"Do it soon... 'Jayne, you are a grown, married woman. Go live with your husband. Here is a suitcase - go pack, and I will drop you off.'" ~ NooOfTheNah
"NTA. Be firm."
"She needs to be out by X date, or you will never have your house back."
"Preferably, her marriage date at the latest." ~ Odd-End-1405
"NTA. Your daughter is used to being taken care of, at least in terms of housing, by you and seems to think she is entitled to that without your having a vote in the matter."
"Help her grow up (finally) and stick to your guns."
"You want her to be the adult she needs to be, one who makes their own way in this world, AND you want to reclaim your life as you want to live it."
"Stop letting her guilt you into feeling you have to give her what she demands."
"I'd say it's past time to insist she get out on her own." ~ Realistic_Head4279
"Sounds like it's time for a face-to-face discussion with both of them, together."
"Give them a deadline for her to move in with him and for her to remove all her personal belongings from your space."
"You are not a storage facility."
"Preferably, before the wedding date, not after."
"You may be considering renting out the space she is now occupying, or getting the property ready to put up for sale."
"You may just want your space and privacy back."
"It doesn't matter."
"It's your home."
"She gets no say, married or not, unless she is on the mortgage, deed, or has a lease with you."
"NTA. If the marriage does not happen, I would still give her notice to vacate." ~ Liu1845
"NTA. She is an adult and now remarried."
"I think you have been very accommodating, allowing her to move back in."
"But it's time for her to move out." ~ Creative_Boss_99
"NTA. I have zero issues with adult children living at home... but this is definitely an exception."
"If she wants to be married, she needs to move in with him." ~ slowasaspeedingsloth
"NTA and Hell no!"
"If they can't afford a place that suits them, then they have no business getting married."
"For that matter, they have no business getting married until they can act like adults."
"Personally, I think kicking her out would be the greatest favor you could do for her in the long run." ~ LisleAdam12
Reddit is with you, OP.
What newlyweds chose NOT to live together?
It's time for your daughter to grow up and move on.
Literally!a
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.