When entering a new relationship, one thing no one looks for in a significant other is approval.
For no one should have to measure up to someone's expectations to be their romantic partner, all that should matter is love and chemistry.
Which doesn't mean one doesn't still struggle with approval in every new relationship.
Something everyone has to earn from their partner's parents and, perhaps even more frighteningly, their friends.
Redditor Umyasssqueen29 was having trouble earning the approval of her boyfriend's friends, likely owing to the fact that she was not a doctor, like the rest of them.
Indeed, the friends of the original poster (OP)'s boyfriend were so dismissive of her, that they even asked her to leave a party.
A request she absolutely refused to oblige, as she threw and paid for this particular party herself.
Seeing how much her conduct upset her boyfriend, however, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to leave my boyfriend's birthday party that I arranged for because his doctor friends wanted to discuss 'Medical stuff'?"
The OP explained how her fraught dynamic with her boyfriend's friends came to a head at the birthday party she threw for him.
"So for context my (29 F[emale]) boyfriend (34 M[ale]) is a doctor."
"Most of his friends are from work and they all seem to dislike me and act distant maybe cause I'm not a doctor too?"
"Idk and don't care honestly."
"Since we started dating they've been asking to hang out without me and they leave any event I'm at."
"My boyfriend said they're just taking their time to get used to me."
"Anyways, His B-day was days ago."
"I'd arranged for the party and paid for everything."
"It wasn't a surprise since the party was held at the restaurant, and he needed heads up so he could invite his doctor friends."
"We got there then his friends started arriving, They came to greet him and started shaking his hand and hugging him while completely ignoring me though I was there next to him!"
"The tension started when one of them started making remarks about the way I dressed, I sucked it up but another friend started interrogating me about my degree then implying I was an ignorant for my food choice, wtf?"
"An hour later another one asked if I could leave because they wanted to discuss work stuff and it's confidential."
"I was so shocked I laughed asking why he thought it was appropriate to discuss work during a party and he replied that I had an 'attitude'."
"An argument ensued and they 'demanded' that I leave but I said absolutely not."
"My boyfriend finally spoke up after it escalated and asked that I keep the peace and go home but I refused and reminded him and let his friends know that I'd arranged for this party and paid for it and so they should leave since they're just 'guests'."
"He pulled me aside and begged I go home after they said if I don't leave then they will but I still refused."
"They left, all of them and the party was cut short. my boyfriend was upset and started complaining at home that I ruined his B-day the minute I started arguing with his friends."
"I told him they were being disrespectful to me but he said I was wrong too cause they said they wanted to discuss medical stuff and I should've respected that and not made it 'personal'."
"He's not speaking to me now, I was so hurt I couldn't argue anymore, I felt like I ruined his birthday by making a scene like he said and acting pass-aggressive."
"AITA?"
"The reasaon I refused to leave was because I figured they used the 'medical stuff discussion' as an excuse to get me to leave early."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was in no way the a**hole for refusing to leave her boyfriend's birthday party.
Everyone agreed that the friends of the OP's boyfriend were beyond rude and condescending, with many urging the OP to consider whether or not it's healthy to remain in this relationship.
"NTA."
"You know your bf doesn't respect you, right?"
"He clearly cares more about his doctor friends."
"If you remain together, he will keep hiding you in his backroom."
"He should be the one to apologize for not standing up to you."
"Dump his sore butt, he can have his doctor friends, you can do better."
"If you take him back for some reason, make sure he pays for your bday party and then ask him out to have a girls only night."- tatasz
"What the hell."
"NTA."
"Who in their right mind walks into the party as a guest and asks the birthday boys girlfriend to leave because you want to talk about a certain topic, the actual audacity of it all why would anyone go somewhere that is public with other people there and expect everyone to just f*cking leave at your convenience."
"Then your BF asks you to leave too wtf, just change the topic."
"He needs to grow a backbone stand up to them and also treat you with respect."- GreenHedgehog2
"NTA."
"Are you dating Satan?"
"What type of boyfriend asks you to leave the birthday dinner you paid for!"
"Feel the joy that you ruined his stupid birthday and dump him ASAP!"- woodsj06
"NTA."
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
"He chose his 'friends' although you arranged everything."
"Asking you to leave was incredibly rude, and that is without you hosting."
"You deserve someone who treats you better."- tarnishau14
"Use that red flag as a cape and fly away."
"NTA."- Jintess
"NTA."
"The problem isn't your bf's friends."
"It's your bf."
"He doesn't respect you and he's unwilling to stand up for you."
"If someone had talked to my wife that way, he'd be tossed out of the house, but your guy couldn't even bother to argue in your favor."
"Maybe find someone else who actually likes and respects you."- Hi_Im_Dadbot
"Your boyfriend's colleagues are TA for discussing confidential medical information in a public setting."- CallieB3rry
"NTA."
"What is your bf thinking?"
"By the title I thought that you meant they were discussing 'doctor stuff' as being too graphic, and I was still siding with you because it's true that people involved in the medical field can get a quite graphic at times due to being desensitized to talk about guts, feces, and blood."
"But it wasn't even that, it was way worse."
"I would consider this a turning point in your relationship."
"You tried to talk to him and he doubled down and tried to make it your fault."
"This is something that will keep on happening, not just the part criticizing you but also telling you to leave from get togethers and excluding you."
"Stop and think if this is the future you want for yourself."
"I hope you give him a last bday gift by adding an ex in front of bf."- Slow-Bumblebee-8609
"NTA."
"Your boyfriend (+ friends) doesn't respect you because it seems you aren't as educated as he is."
"I would walk away from this so they can discuss confidential things in public settings in peace (+ get in trouble for doing so) whilst you can go and live a happier life with someone who sees you as their equal regardless of your education."
"Run OP run."
"Don't stay in this toxic bullsh*t."- Sk8tingpanda568
"NTA."
"Yeet that man into the sun."
"He's actively allowing his friends to disrespect you without standing up for you and taking their side."
"They aren't 'getting used to you' they're actively trying NOT to get to know you."
"You didn't ruin his birthday, they ruined it by being disrespectful pricks."- Zealousideal_Elk_918
"NTA but your boyfriend is the issue, not his friends."
"He doesn't have your back."- happybanana134
"NTA."
"Instead of thanking you for the party and sticking up for you, he decided to join his friends in trying to kick you out."
"Dump him."
"Things will only get worse from here."- amylynn83
"NTA."
"He picked his friends over you, it will continue to happen."
"I'd cut ties now unless you want to be treated like this all the time."
"He isn't going to dump his friends."- amaryca
It's not an obligation to become best friends with your partner's friends, and vice-versa.
That being said, it's simply common courtesy to be civil and polite when in each other's company.
And asking the host of a party to leave is far below even the smallest standards of civility.
The fact that the OP's boyfriend seemed to take the side of his friends, and not the OP, makes one wonder if the majority of the Reddit community was correct, and the OP would indeed be better off getting out of this relationship.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.