Guessing at someone's intention is almost always a disastrous choice.
It can be so difficult to ascertain what the other person meant by the words they said or the tone that they used.
However, when the words do get under your skin or the inflection of their voice hits a nerve, how do you handle the situation?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) whybotherany when they came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for some outside opinions.
They asked:
"AITA for telling a coworker I'm not interested in prayers?"
OP gave a little history.
"Background:"
"I work for a big corporation."
"I'm Jewish/Atheist with a long history of Christians trying to push their religion on me."
"I'm aware that there are many Christians who don't do this and I believe in respecting people's faiths. I also get annoyed when religion is inserted into the workplace."
Then got right to the issue at hand.
"Today I got an email from an IT person that started with 'pray you and your family are blessed and doing well' before answering my IT question."
"I responded 'not interested in prayers, but thanks for the $solution!"'
"I asked a couple people who told me I was rude, that it's a figure of speech and they were trying to be nice."
"I'm sure they were trying to be nice but I don't like prayer/blessed language directed at me."
"I thought my response was polite-ish as I let them know my preference directly and included the thanks!"
OP was left to wonder,
"So, AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses applauded OP's directness.
"NTA"
"I think it's pretty fair to not expect religion in work emails. A lot of businesses and corporations actually have a policy about not pushing your religion on others even this sense."
"I don't think you were rude, just said you weren't interested in it and then thanked them for their help."
"You could have just ignored it and moved on. But at least with you establishing this boundary, it won't happen again in future." ~ wanesandwaves
"NTA."
"You set a perfectly reasonable freedom-from-religion boundary."
"Religion has no place in the (secular) workplace."
"While I'm sure the IT person's intentions were good and kindly, he really shouldn't be bringing religion into the office."
"Maybe your comment will make him think." ~ calligrafiddler
Others felt that OP was being a bit over-sensitive.
"M an atheist, and the wording still sounded rude to me because that's the 1st thing they said."
"(I know the praying part was the first thing in the email they were responding to, but I see it is a kind of greeting of 'hope this finds you well' variety and hence don't mind that it was the first thing in that email)."
"I would keep the body of the email to be just about thanking them for the solution. And then a quick informal P.S. to say that I don't like prayers sent my way because m an atheist." ~ nutwit9211
"Soft YTA."
"I'm an atheist."
"I get squeamish about religious things and hate when it's pushed on me."
"I understand your coworkers phrasing made you a little uncomfortable (I sometimes have that gut reaction, too), but he was sending you well wishes, not actually asking you to participate in prayer."
"(Which is what I originally assumed based on the title)."
"Your response was a little rude, even if it wasn't your intention."
"Kind of reminds me of the people who get offended and snippy when someone wishes them a Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays…"
"You could have easily just said thanks for the IT solution and left it at that."
"Or, maybe you could have phrased your response a bit more gently —"
'"Hey, thanks for the well wishes. But in the future, would you mind avoiding religious language? While I appreciate your intentions, that kind of language makes me a bit uncomfortable."'
"Something like that." ~ BlueBumbleb33
Some offered alternatives to consider.
"I'm not sure where OP is from, but this could very well be a cultural difference."
"I worked with persons from different countries, and have encountered regions where this type of greeting is just the norm (usually where English to not the universal or main language spoken there.)"
"It honestly has little to do with religion."
"The term "pray" is simply meant to denote them hoping that you are doing well as opposed to actually implying that they are actually praying to God that you are well." ~ Electrical-Date-3951
"A good rule is that no one should expect you to use or not use religious language, but you shouldn't expect them to use or not use religious language."
"If someone tries to convince you to become a Christian, then it's entirely fair to tell them to stop - but in this situation I agree with the YTA judgement."
"I'm an atheist and have had religious friends saying that they would pray for me and things like that."
"I don't see why I as an atheist would have an issue with that. Maybe they're wasting their time, but they are just trying to be nice." ~ Citrongrot
"NAH"
"I am also a Jewish atheist and dislike all forms of organized religion but especially fundamentalist types that are imposing their religious views increasingly over society."
"I resent the pervasiveness of Christian practices in public settings like prayers etc."
"However I do pick my battle especially since I actually use 'pray' and 'blessing' sometimes instead of hoping and wish or thiing good thoughts for you."
"For example a friend was going for a biopsy and I wanted to express the sentiment that I was hoping results would be negative for cancer and she was in my thoughts."
"I don't think my hopes have any impact on the outcome any more than I think that prayers to a mythical being do but I wanted to express my feelings in the moment." ~ Jujulabee
Word choice and intent came up several times.
"Agree and also an atheist from a mostly lax but technically Catholic family."
"I think of it as culture/ habit."
"I don't think of it any more than someone saying 'salud' vs 'gesundheit' vs 'bless you' as imposing Spanish or German in the first two."
"I also still use religion-based phrases out of habit sometimes."
"(Mostly cursing, but we are mostly talking about vocabulary choice here)"
"However, I even had a 'praise Jesus' run through my head not long ago which immediately cracked me up because I don't think that had EVER happened before and that's just how relieved I was at something getting resolved. 🤣"
"Faith and religion are rampant and to me it's puzzling more than anything."
"I only bristle when someone tells me to trust in/pray to god or Jesus or otherwise tells me I should engage in a religious practice."
"If they say they will on my behalf, though- whatever."
"If they are genuine people of faith and concerned about me, it's part of their love language."
"If it's something super casual like this, it's up there with them saying something cliche, like 'I'll eat your share!' if I say I don't like eating something."
"Have at it. 🤷🏽♀️" ~ audioaddict321
"I agree with that."
"I don't feel like the IT person meant any harm."
"I don't think they were trying to push their religious views on you you either."
"They just wished your family well."
"I'm pretty sure Christian's aren't the only ones who pray."
"Buddhists pray/meditate. It seems like you assumed this person was Christian."
"That's not really fair. There are many other religions that person could practice that pray. In my opinion YTA." ~ jord-pie
And, yes, there were personal stories.
"One of my co-workers has a client who is very religious, who keeps sending her emails asking her to 'prayerfully consider' whatever it is he is asking for."
"She is Jewish."
"She is not 'prayerfully considering' anything in the way that he wants or expects."
"I advised her to respond (not really lol), 'I asked God, and he said no.' People should not be bringing their religious beliefs into professional interactions, it's not appropriate."
"For those who disagree, I can only say, 'Bless you heart."'~ mlmarte
"I grew up in a Christian home with everything pushed on me too and my family is still like that."
"I can't stand it and it makes me uncomfortable."
"I probably would have said the same as you and for the people who said you were rude, you could say the same to them."
"You said your freedom of speech and if you're not comfortable with this situation than you should be able to say so."
"It's rude of people to push religion onto anyone no matter where." ~ lukieNchristina
Clearly this is a complicated issue.
Reddit may have landed on "NTA" but the comments were certainly a mixed bag.
Judging someone's intention s from a single line of text can be challenging even in the best of circumstances, not even considering office politics, cultural shadings or religious leanings.
Be careful when assuming when it comes to the behavior of others, and try to remember that we're all doing the best we can with a language that is sometimes imprecise at best.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.