A night at the opera was once a glamorous affair where tuxedos and evening gowns were de rigueur.
But opera houses have sought to make the artform more accessible. Evening attire, complete with top hats and opera gloves, has been replaced with a "come as you are" attitude for most venues.
However, is there a limit?
And if you're going with your significant other, should you have discussed a dress code in advance?
The woman in an evening gown with the guy in torn jeans and ratty t-shirt plays well in Hallmark romance movies, but in real life, one or both partners are probably going to be uncomfortable.
A woman dealing with a disconnect with their boyfriend over proper opera attire, turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Theatre_loover asked:
"AITA for being annoyed that my partner came to the opera in gym attire and ate during the play?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Due to a project we recently did at work, my colleagues told me we can get free opera tickets, with a plus one. I was really excited, since I love opera, and asked my partner to join me."
"He told me he would join after the gym and we will meet there. So we meet at the location, and he is wearing gym stuff—sports shorts and a sports vest."
"He joked how it is probably too snobbish of a place for it, and he took a pair of jeans with him and a shirt, but he doesn't really want to bother changing."
"Now, since I was a small kid and we went to the theatre with my school or parents—where I am from theatre/opera/ballet tickets are super cheap for school kids, and it is a very common school activity to go with your whole class—I knew that it is basic common sense to look decent at such places."
"I am no fan of fancy overdressing myself, and my partner knows it, however is it not OK to expect at least plain jeans, and not sweatpants? And not to talk loud, EAT OR DRINK during the live performance on stage?"
"So seeing all the actually nicely dressed people arriving to the venue, my partner annoyingly said that I would probably want him to wear the jeans, and now we have to find a place for him to go change, even though he is not so keen on it."
"I was relieved and did not want to argue, so I did not say much about it. We had to go around the corner for him to change."
"The first act was good, and we went to get some snacks during the break, but due to the long queue, we did not have the time to eat them. So we came back to our places. My partner sat between me and my colleagues, and with my side vision, I saw him taking the food out."
"Now as I mentioned, we are adults in our late 30s, and as far as I am concerned I do not have to tell a 35+ year old adult basic etiquette. But I had a bad feeling about it so I turned to him and whispered 'don't!!'."
"He laughed and I was relieved thinking he was just doing a weird joke or whatever. 30 seconds with my side vision I see him EATING the snacks."
"I was absolutely mortified and speechless. I poked him with my elbow, but he just kinda laughed and ignored me."
"I was ready to melt though the floor from embarrassment—I can not BELIEVE I am seeing a grown a** person EATING during an opera, and even worse—that being my partner, right next to my colleagues who invited me here."
"A few minutes later my partner leaned to tell me something, but I was still burning from shame and anger and did not reply, so he asked 'is it about the food?' and then rolled his eyes, sighed loudly and stopped talking to me."
"I could not enjoy the rest of the opera at all, and when my colleagues gathered to discuss it afterwards, I was still feeling too embarrassed, excused myself and left ASAP."
"My partner caught up with me outside and was annoyed at me 'being so stuck up about such a petty thing'. According to him it was dark, and he wasn't sitting directly in front of the stage so 'who cares, it is OK'."
"I told him it isn't about how far away he sits. It is common sense to not do such things in a theatre."
"He rolled his eyes and told me 'there is no such rule, it is not written anywhere' and that I am 'making up some imaginary rules just to go at him'. I really can not wrap my head around this, so I started questioning my sanity."
"He also told me that in his opinion it is me who has a problem, and I should discuss it with my therapist 'that I care too much what people think'—I am in therapy for different reasons, he was actually the one who encouraged me to start therapy in the first place."
"I mean it is not just about 'what people think'—as an artist myself I find it insanely rude, uncultured and disrespectful both to actors and people next to you to bring food to the opera and eat it DURING the live performance! We came here specifically for this live event, can you really not wait for like an hour‽‽"
"AITA for being angry and disappointed with the whole experience?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors felt the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"It sounds like he's punishing you for going. Only a complete ignoramus wouldn't know the basic etiquette, at least by observation. Seems intentional to me. NTA."
"He seems to have a chip on his shoulder about snobs, which if she's going, would make her one."
"OP didn't mention him protesting or her having to convince him, he just went and made sure she was miserable."
"I think that's his win 'condition'—that she didn't enjoy it." ~ NatashOverWorld
"I think it's more that he's punishing her for 'making' him come with her. After the way he behaved, I'm sure he doesn't expect her to invite him anytime soon. In his mind, he won. NTA." ~ lunaleechats
"Yeah, this seems like a variation of weaponized incompetence. He had to have known that sh*t was not okay—unless he lives under a rock—and knowing that did it anyways."
"Because what are the odds she is ever going to ask him to another event like this again? NTA." ~ geekylace
"I was reading this and thought, 'I'm guilty of this', because the last time we were at an opera I was 5 months pregnant and my heartburn would make me puke if I didn't take a sip of my drink every 20-30 minutes."
"I was very careful, sat at the very back, and still felt a bit guilty."
"But then with the clothes and stuff? He's either 3 kids in gym shorts, one petulant teenager, or a grown a** man who did this completely on purpose to ruin her experience. NTA." ~ KnittingforHouselves
"Pretty sure the fact that nobody else is chomping on crisps and pretzels while there's an orchestra playing and there are singers performing live music on stage would be a dead giveaway regardless of how ignorant one may be. NTA." ~ Dairinn
"I've been to the orchestra a few times, and one time I was really irritated because the person sitting next to me opened up a loud crinkly bag of food and ate out of it repeatedly for about 10 minutes."
"But this was at the Zelda Symphony and the person was a kid maybe 7 years old. So while not appropriate I can understand that the show and the person explained the behavior."
"OP's partner is a grown a** adult at the full a** opera and should know better. NTA." ~ vonsnootingham
Some saw no a**holes here (NAH).
"I would say NAH. I've lived in several cities with their own operas, ballet companies, theatre districts, and orchestras."
"In the last few years, most of them have adopted a 'come as you are' dress code. Now, the implication is 'jeans OK', not sweaty gym clothes, but I can absolutely see someone thinking jeans and a t-shirt are fine."
"Especially if it's an event just after work." ~ dorothy_zbornakk
While a few thought everyone sucked (ESH).
"ESH. Him: everyone else has covered in their comments."
"You: if I understand correctly, he did change and him eating is allowed by the venue—he wasn't stopped from bringing the snacks in and there's no signage against it."
"So he's not that far off base with thinking you're upset because of what people will think and not by him breaking any actual rules." ~ RugTumpington
Whether the OP's boyfriend didn't know or knew and didn't care, only he can answer that question.
But there is some merit to the OP determining whether what he did violated any actual rules or if he just failed to meet the OP's previously undisclosed expectations.
If there was a dress code or other rules of etiquette—the venue's or her own—OP wanted her boyfriend to follow, letting him know in advance would have been helpful for them both.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.