Work/life balance is a difficult issue for most American workers. But when a pregnancy is thrown into the mix, it's downright impossible for all but the lucky few workers.
A guy on Reddit came up against this issue when his eight-months-pregnant fiancée, who also works underneath them at their job, began falling short of expectations.
He wasn't sure about how he'd chosen to handle things, so he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for input.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by the username Ok_Struggle_3081 on the site, asked:
"AITA for threatening to fire my fiancée"
He explained:
"I (35M[ale]) and my fiancé (25F[emale]) work at the same bar together."
"That's actually how we met was when she started working there 4 years ago. I asked her on a date not long after and we've been together ever since."
"Currently, my fiancée is 33 weeks pregnant. While I understand working and being on her feet is very hard for her, she just has really dropped the ball at work."
"Ever since she found out that she's pregnant she's been sleeping in, showing up late, missing shifts, trying to leave early, giving away shifts last minute, and just having a bad attitude towards work in general."
"Yes it's difficult for her to work now and she gets tired easily, but I really don't think it excuses her behavior."
"She's been named in multiple negative reviews and it's been brought up by the owners more than once."
"Over the weekend, she was working during brunch and she decided to leave early without being approved to do so."
"I had to come in to cover her because no one else was available."
"By time I got there, multiple tables had walked out from waiting for so long since we were understaffed to begin with."
"I didn't get home until late since I was scheduled to close anyways and I was furious."
"I slept on the couch and when she tried to get me to come to bed I sat her down and told her how she couldn't pull something like that again, or she would be fired."
"She obviously didn't like this and threw a fit, calling me names and crying about how she needs this job. She ended up going to her friends house for the night."
"I know she's going through a lot, but I'm just tired of picking up the slack for her at work. So, AITA?"
OP then came back to the post to add a bit more context.
"Edit: I was not her boss when we were first dating. We were both bartenders and I didn't get promoted until 2 years ago."
"Her hours have been cut back significantly to the bare minimum and I do most of the housework at home to try to help out."
"I even told her that we would be fine if she just quit or took leave early but she doesn't want to do that"
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who is in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And while opinions varied, people were nearly unanimous that this situation is fundamentally inappropriate on multiple levels.
"You probably shouldn't be your fiancé supervisor. You two probably shouldn't be working together. It's not really possible to separate your personal life and work life."
"What do you think happens if you actually go through with firing her? I don't agree with her behavior but that dynamic is just not workable."
"Edit: your boss, the owner, is ok with you supervising your fiancé?"
"That's a whole lot of liability. I suggest you formally transfer oversight of her to the owner and no longer be involved." --Lildiar
"it's unfortunate that she would bear the brunt of their relationship but one of them seriously needed to leave - especially after one of them was promoted."
"you're living with someone you supervise to handle money.. this is so inappropriate" --Morri___
"Everything in this thread is so spot on. But to the work-life blur: he told her AT HOME that he would have to fire her."
"Not only did he bring the fight home (sleeping on the couch and being grouchy) but he had a 'sit down' with his fiancée AT HOME that he should have (except not, bc it is so unethical that he is her supervisor) had with his employee (again, so innappropriate) AT WORK." --Express-Stop7830
"Besides the obvious, she's also carrying OP's child. Since when is pregnancy supposed to be a walk in the park?"
"Men can't even stand a cold without being wusses about it."
"Imagine growing a watermelon in your tummy, that sucks half the life out of you, until you ultimately have to squeeze it out between your legs." --Jakeofheart
"I cannot believe what I'm reading.."
"he wants to fire his pregnant wife who 'dropped the ball' who is about to drop a ball out of her body and he's mad because of her work quality?" --Anonynominous
"Sadly I have had numerous servers work until they're literally about to go into labor."
"I had one go into false labor during one of my shifts, called the ambulance had her lay down and asked another server (who has children) to watch her and I took care of the restaurant."
"The amount of complaints was staggering, she isn't here to get our refills, our server sucks, sh*t like that. This is America." --Rationaljackass
"You really downplayed that she's 33 week pregnant. A job like that where she's on her feet is probably pushing her to her limits and she's barely coping."
"You really need to be more compassionate toward her. She should be at home, kicking her feet up, not worrying about losing her job." --JHawk444
"I worked two jobs, 12-15hours a day until I was 36 weeks pregnant. It was truly horrible, I was in constant severe pain basically everywhere."
"But I did it because I had an intense fear that if I didnt work, I wouldn't be able to provide for my baby. This might be how she's feeling" --Odd_Sky7809
"He has already offered her so many solutions and of course doing most of the chores around the house while also picking up the shifts she dropped."
"He's already giving her the bare minimum hours and offered for her to take leave."
"She's the one not showing up for work without notifying anybody, leaving early without notifying anyone, and coming in to work late leaving all of her co workers to be scrambling."
"From what I can see in his post he was showing great compassion to her." --jay-jay-baloney
"YTA. Don't sleep with your subordinates, especially ones 10 years younger than you then bi*ch about her being immature and irresponsible." --Worth_Raspberry_11
"Dude went after one of his employees who is ten years his junior, impregnated her, and is now bi*ching about how in her third trimester she's struggling to keep up with the work. Jesus Christ, that poor woman." --avoarvo
"ESH. Yeah she can't just leave work without telling anyone, etc, despite being pregnant."
"But why the fu*k are you her supervisor?"
"Going wish ESH because that situation should never have been allowed and as a manager you should know better than to date and impregnate people you supervise." --poeadam
"IDK, it's not like it's a conflict of interest in practice, since OP is a heartless AH."
"His pregnant fiancée is crying about how she needs the job, while she's having great difficulty doing it because she's pregnant with his kid."
"He needs to be stepping up to cover things financially so she isn't disadvantaged by being the one who's pregnant."
"Instead he's shrugging his shoulders at how bad the mat leave provisions are (which they are), as if he has no responsibility." --calling_water
"Did anyone ever point out the fact that she clearly is having bad morning sickness? Like i honestly think its messed up that yer own partner is treating her this poorly."
"I can't even cast judgment here because I feel so strongly about this."
"I had terrible morning sickness and suffered through the firt 6 months of pregnancy, luckily I had a good manager and he was understanding of my situation. ...."
"Edit: morning sickness can literally be all day sickness for some woman." --Desperate_Chip_343
"This here. Both my pregnancies I was sick all the way through, the nausea was terrible."
"It got to the point where if I felt like I was going to throw up I would force myself to just to feel better for the rest of the day" --amcheesegoblin
"I believe there could be a couple of lawsuits against the company on this one. You might be the one losing your job." --Mountain_Monitor_262
"Right? This is screaming lawsuit to me no matter how it pans out. Op should probs hop on legaladvice and make sure he can't lose his job over this craziness" --Lobster-mom
"YTA. You became the a**hole the minute you came into a position of power and still continued the relationship (which 10 year age gap 🚩🚩🚩)"
"Also at 33 weeks pregnant- she's about to pop literally any week now, why wasn't maternity offered to her???"
"She shouldn't be working this late in the game to begin with" --ColdSeason2019
Hopefully OP can learn a lot of lessons from this experience.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.