As much as we might try to be the better person and not admit that events impact us, none of us can deny that breaking up with someone is hard.
What might be harder, though, is having to interact with them after the fact and act like everything is okay, reasoned the users of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Big-Winner-3213 was excited to be a part of her sister's wedding, but as the details continued to role out, she found out that not only was her long-term ex-boyfriend going to be in the wedding, but they were going to have to interact quite frequently throughout the event.
Discovering this, the Original Poster (OP) was no longer certain that she could participate, despite her sister's insistence that she wanted her to be involved.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for not attending my sister's wedding because she made my ex the best man?"
The OP was excited for her sister's wedding but not looking forward to seeing her ex there.
"I (29 Female) was with my ex (31 Male) for almost seven years. We broke up two years ago; it was not messy, but not friendly either. It was one of those 'we want different lives' situations, and while I've mostly moved on, I don't love being around him."
"Here's the issue: my younger sister (27 Female) is marrying his best friend. Yes, my ex and the groom have been besties since high school. So obviously, he's the best man."
"My sister told me early on that he'd be involved, and I told her I was uncomfortable but would still come and just emotionally prep for it."
But then the OP found out they'd have to interact much more than she was comfortable with.
"But last month, she asked if I'd give a speech at the rehearsal dinner. I agreed, assuming it would be light and fun."
"Then she sent me a schedule, and guess what? The best man and I are paired up in the wedding party. For everything. Entrance, walk down the aisle, speeches, seating arrangements."
"She even joked that it would be 'just like old times.'"
"I told her honestly that this wasn't okay. I didn't sign up to feel like a prop in someone else's nostalgia trip."
"She said I was being selfish and 'making it about me.'"
The OP decided she couldn't go through with it.
"So I backed out. Told her I love her and I'll support her in other ways, but I won't be at the wedding."
"Now she's furious. Our mom says I'm being immature. A few friends think I should've just sucked it up for one day."
"But I feel like I had boundaries, voiced them, and was ignored."
"So… Am I wrong for skipping my sister's wedding because she chose my ex as best man?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the bride didn't pick the Best Man; the groom did.
"Your sister didn't choose your ex as best man. That's not how best man works."
"Her fiancé chose his best friend to be his best man, and it's kind of silly that you didn't expect that to happen." - Noodlefanboi
"She didn't make him best man. Her future husband did. But if you are uncomfortable, then don't go." - I_am_Reddit_Tom
"Erm, correct me if I'm wrong here (joking, I know I'm not wrong) but the Groom picks the best man, not the bride, so your sister did not choose your ex as best man and likely had no choice in the matter."
"Also, are you by any chance the Maid of Honor in the wedding party? Because if so, then it is standard for the maid of honour and the best man to be paired up for speeches, photos, and for walking down the aisle." - Internet-D**k-Jokes
"OP would have known as soon as she was asked to be the Maid of Honor that this would be expected, and is kicking off now."
"Also, you're ignoring all of the other issues that would be caused; let's say the Best Man and Maid of Honor walk separately, who walks first? If the Best Man walks first, you can guarantee that OP would kick off, but OP forcing her sister to make her husband's best friend, who is the Best Man, walk later in the ceremony would be a huge AH move on OP's part and would cause drama in her sister's relationship."
"OP was YTA the SECOND that she accepted the Maid of Honor position, knowing who the Best Man would 100% be and that she is incapable of being a mature adult for one day." - persephonepeete
"Not sure what all these people are on about. He's the groom's best friend. You're the bride's sister. Who did you THINK you were going to be paired with?"
"The groom shouldn't be expected to drop his best friend just because you used to date him. Don't go if you don't want. But you don't get to control your future BIL's friendships or wedding party." - FormSuccessful1122
Assuming the OP was the Maid of Honor, others agreed and called her an AH.
"If you are the Maid of Honor, then you are definitely the AH here. These are the duties of a Maid of Honor. You are making this about you, and you really need to grow up!"
"Doing your MOH role doesn't mean you have to get back with your ex, so do the job and ignore him the rest of the day! Grow up again! YTA." - MoreSobet1999
"I would just suck it up but you do you. If you don't do it, you'll have to deal with the fallout. One day of bulls**t vs months (or years?) of bulls**t. Not your fault, but that's just how it is." - faraday_of_netham
"If you are maid-of-honor, then YTA. Everything you are describing suggests you are the maid of honor, and being paired off with the best man is pretty standard for the maid of honor."
"If you are not the maid of honor, then ESH. You shouldn't be paired off with the best man, but also you should be adult enough to attend the wedding." - Long_Assistant8873
"Are you the Maid of Honor? That's the only reason I see her pairing you up with him through the whole wedding, because traditionally that is how it would work anyway."
"If you're not the MOH, then she's doing this on purpose, in which I would say you're NTA. but if you're mad because she's doing her wedding how it should be traditionally done and can't be there for your little sister's wedding and suck up being with your ex through the ceremony and some pictures' then I'd say YTA." - honeyedhufflepuffle
"OP YTA. It's been two years since the breakup. It was a mutual breakup. Her ex seems to be mature enough to stand up at his best friend's wedding despite seeing OP there."
"Maybe it's because I only have one ex that I'm not on good terms with, but I can't see why you can't all just be adults for a couple of hours. I certainly wouldn't let that one ex push me out of my sister's wedding. I'd push him under a train first."
"Channel your inner Princess Diana, rock your dress, hair, and makeup. Don't drink too much. Be polite to your ex and then ignore him, focus on your sister. It's her wedding, and she chose you and needs you to support her."
"Make her take you out and pay for a girls' night when she gets back from the honeymoon." - EfficientAd3625
"Go to the wedding if you want to, but don't be in the bridal party. Problem solved. Her alliance is to her husband-to-be, not you. Hard to swallow, but that's life."
"If you choose not to go, fair enough. She will have to suck that up, like she expected you to. Do what you feel is right for you. She certainly is, so you do you."
"Personally, I would probably go to the wedding but not be close to him. More people should elope, weddings are a giant pain in the a**." - Bubbly_Claim5247
But a few empathized with the OP.
"This could all have been solved if she cared about your feelings a little. Didn't pair you up with him and seated you away from him. She brought this on herself." - 18k_gold
"NTA. Your sister knows your history with this guy. Your mom should know better, too." - armyofant
"Nope, definitely in my opinion not the AH. You're not a clown to entertain the crowd. You have feelings like everyone else. I hate when people don't respect other people's wishes and want to decide for you. F**k them all." - babytsunami
"NTA, she knew what she was doing based on the 'like old times' quip. Play s**tty games, win s**tty prizes. It's messed up to do that to you after you'd already expressed discomfort, you don't have to put up with it."
"Sister is clearly the AH." - Cool-Falcon5093
"So, your mother needs a recap of how wedding etiquette works."
"The Bride and Groom can run the wedding however they want. Decorations, guest list, dance list and music, the lot."
"Individuals may decline the invitation if they are unhappy with those conditions. It's a wedding, not community service."
"If your sister wants you there, she'll have to make changes. If she doesn't want to make changes, she can assign your role to someone else."
"If the rule really was that everybody has to follow the wedding plan and nobody can nope out, I'd have had half the wedding party in Pokémon onesies. And I'd have forced Andrew Lincoln and Emma Stone to come; I've never met either of them, but I'd have used the magical powers of wedding to have them there, as Charmander and Jigglypuff." - chrestomancy
While it's undeniably uncomfortable in most situations to have to work together with an ex, especially for a whole day of wedding duties, the subReddit was divided on whether or not the OP should suck it up or call off for the day.
After all, this was her sister and someone who wanted her there in a special position for her special day. More than likely, she could go through the motions with her ex to fulfill the role without ever really talking to the guy, and at least then, she could be a part of her sister's day.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.