Sometimes a satisfying act of retaliation can feel good in the moment, but ultimately hurt our longterm goals.
A woman trying to make friends in a new city turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
BellaBilla asked:
“AITA for skipping my friend’s daughter’s 1st birthday and charging her for the ‘gift’ after she forgot to tell me the time changed?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m feeling pretty heated right now and need some perspective.”
“My friend’s daughter is turning one today. A few weeks ago, my friend asked if I could make truffles for the party. I agreed, and she mentioned she would reimburse me for the ingredients. However, because truffles are expensive to make and incredibly labor-intensive, I decided I would just gift them as the birthday present instead of asking for money.”
“I spent all day yesterday in the kitchen making these. I had to wake up super early this morning to finish the final touches and get ready for the 9 AM start time listed on the invitation.”
“I showed up at 9 AM sharp, truffles in hand, and the place was empty. I double-checked the invite and it definitely said 9 AM. I called my friend, and she casually told me that the time had been changed to the afternoon. She admitted she ‘forgot’ to tell me, and apparently, I was the only guest who wasn’t notified.”
“After working so hard yesterday and sacrificing my Saturday morning sleep, I was (and am) pissed. I havent told her if I can make it in the afternoon yet.”
“WIBTA if I charge her the full amount for the ingredients and my time since I might no longer be attending and these were meant to be the ‘gift’ or refuse to go to the afternoon session because I’ve already wasted my morning and now I ‘have other plans’ (which is mostly just being too annoyed to celebrate)?”
“I never told her I would gift her the truffles. I had just decided that myself.”
The OP later added:
“A lot of people are asking for more context so here it goes. We moved to a new city last year so I’ve been trying hard to make new friends and I’ve been hanging out with this friend and some of her friends, but I’m not ‘in’ their little group yet.”
“I’m a very helpful person in general and have a lot of party planning experience, so I actually helped her decide many aspects of the party, like how much food, what types of food, how many drinks, etc…”
“We were exchanging info back and forth about this party constantly and I even lent her a bunch of my own decor stuff to use for the cake table. Also, she specifically chose 9 am because that’s when her daughter is most alert and happiest, so this was supposed to be a brunch type birthday party.”
“Given how much we talked about the details and the fact that she has my decor, I really don’t feel like this was an easy thing to ‘forget’.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I might be the a**hole because I am refusing to attend a milestone event (a 1st birthday) for my friend’s daughter out of spite because she forgot to tell me and only me that the time changed and by choosing to charge her for the truffles which I secretly intended to gift.”
“I am prioritizing my frustration over our friendship and potentially causing unnecessary drama on her child’s birthday. My other friends think I’m overreacting to a simple accident, and by not showing up, I might be viewed as petty and inflexible.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA), but suggested she do what’s best for her longterm over short term satisfaction.
“NTA, but this is your chance to be the bigger person honestly. It’s not like you showed up at 4 and were told the party was from 2-3, or changed to the day before.”
“Give her the damn truffles, go to the party even if it’s only for 15 minutes and don’t be spiteful. and don’t send her a bill.”
“If you want to end the friendship over this just ghost her after, fine. Don’t be mean on her baby”s first birthday.”
“Are you a parent? If you are, you know damn well that the first year is tough.” ~ Odd-Worth7752
“I am a parent, and only one guest not being notified seems intentional. It’s incredibly hard to forget to update the person you asked to do something for you, even in the midst of first-year confusion.”
“I was a very disorganized person during the first year of life for both my kids, and no one I actually wanted at birthday parties was forgotten, even with all the back and forth about location and times. A few people being forgotten would be understandable, but only one, and the person you asked for an expensive favor? No.”
“Where was the apology? If the friend was sorry at all, I would say NAH, but she doesn’t seem to mind having made someone show up somewhere super early, which can be very embarrassing as well as all the inconveniences.”
“I never said drop the friends, go nuclear, or anything of the sort, only that I feel if the host cared more, she would have given a real apology, and the lack of one didn’t sit right.” ~ hiskitty110617
“YWNBTA. I’d say, ‘Shucks, I can’t make it to the changed time. Just Venmo me $xx for the truffles and you can swing by and pick them up before noon’.”
“If you want to be generous, you can offer to drop them off. After she pays.” ~ CrankyWife
“The mother said she would pay (OP never told her she wasn’t going to charge). Giving a time deadline for picking up the truffles because of possible prior plans is being kind to the mother. After all, it’s not OP’s fault she wasn’t aware of the time change and made other plans.”
“As far as the mother knows, she is still trying to find a way to get the truffles to a party OP can no longer attend due to the mother’s inability to communicate with the person who not only helped plan the majority of the party (not telling the party planner the time change was devious) but also loaned party supplies.”
“Burning the bridge would be not only refusing to provide the truffles but also taking back all of the loaned party decor before the party happened.” ~ SmaugTheHedgehog
“NTA. It honestly sounds like the parent is using OP as the convenient new person they found who can make truffles and has a bunch of decor to borrow for her baby’s birthday party. I wouldn’t be surprised if the ‘friendship’ is convenient for the mom, but mom doesn’t give 2 sh*ts about OP.” ~ heytherecatlady
“I’d at least make her come to pick them up, seeing as she was the one who forgot (actually or ostensibly) to tell OP about the time change. She can pay for the ingredients as she expected to and OP can write off the time it took to make them as her gift.”
“If I were OP, I would judge the friend’s reaction to this, taking it as a clue as to whether OP was being used or it was a genuine mistake. If she acts entitled or put out at having to come and pick up the truffles I’d suspect that this friend views OP merely as a useful resource and the other new group as the friends she is invested in.”
“If she takes it in stride that given her mistake, she has to come pick them up, and OP can’t come, and is apologetic, then perhaps she made a mistake and didn’t have her head on straight, even if she wasn’t properly apologetic in the morning.” ~ kurokomainu
The OP provided an update:
“Wow, I did not expect this to blow up!”
“First of all, I don’t think it’s fair for some people to say I’m self-obsessed or that it’s ‘clear’ why I’m not included in the group. Clearly, those people have never been in a position where they had to move cities and make new friends—after a certain age, it is not easy.”
“I wrote that first post while I was literally leaving the empty venue and heading home, so everything was fresh, and I just needed to process externally and see what others would do. I think that’s pretty normal when you’re frustrated.”
“After taking a nap and reading through the comments, I decided to be an adult about it. I went to the birthday party in the afternoon, brought the truffles, and told her they were a gift.”
“I do think she just had a ‘mom brain’ moment and genuinely forgot to tell me, but because I’m new here and have been struggling with feeling excluded, it hit me harder in the moment.”
“Thank you, everyone, for your answers and for helping me see things more clearly. I’m not going to hold this over her head, but I am going to keep it in mind.”
“If it happens again or becomes a pattern, I’ll know this isn’t the right friendship for me.”
OP didn’t let her initial reaction dictate her behavior. After some thought and a nap, she decided which course of action best suited her friendship goals.
She might have been justified in being mad, skipping the event, and charging her friend for the truffles as they originally agreed to do.
But that wouldn’t suit her goal of gaining new friends.
It sounds like OP made a very mature decision.