Sometimes a satisfying act of retaliation can feel good in the moment, but ultimately hurt our longterm goals.
A woman trying to make friends in a new city turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
BellaBilla asked:
"AITA for skipping my friend's daughter's 1st birthday and charging her for the 'gift' after she forgot to tell me the time changed?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm feeling pretty heated right now and need some perspective."
"My friend's daughter is turning one today. A few weeks ago, my friend asked if I could make truffles for the party. I agreed, and she mentioned she would reimburse me for the ingredients. However, because truffles are expensive to make and incredibly labor-intensive, I decided I would just gift them as the birthday present instead of asking for money."
"I spent all day yesterday in the kitchen making these. I had to wake up super early this morning to finish the final touches and get ready for the 9 AM start time listed on the invitation."
"I showed up at 9 AM sharp, truffles in hand, and the place was empty. I double-checked the invite and it definitely said 9 AM. I called my friend, and she casually told me that the time had been changed to the afternoon. She admitted she 'forgot' to tell me, and apparently, I was the only guest who wasn't notified."
"After working so hard yesterday and sacrificing my Saturday morning sleep, I was (and am) pissed. I havent told her if I can make it in the afternoon yet."
"WIBTA if I charge her the full amount for the ingredients and my time since I might no longer be attending and these were meant to be the 'gift' or refuse to go to the afternoon session because I've already wasted my morning and now I 'have other plans' (which is mostly just being too annoyed to celebrate)?"
"I never told her I would gift her the truffles. I had just decided that myself."
The OP later added:
"A lot of people are asking for more context so here it goes. We moved to a new city last year so I've been trying hard to make new friends and I've been hanging out with this friend and some of her friends, but I'm not 'in' their little group yet."
"I'm a very helpful person in general and have a lot of party planning experience, so I actually helped her decide many aspects of the party, like how much food, what types of food, how many drinks, etc..."
"We were exchanging info back and forth about this party constantly and I even lent her a bunch of my own decor stuff to use for the cake table. Also, she specifically chose 9 am because that's when her daughter is most alert and happiest, so this was supposed to be a brunch type birthday party."
"Given how much we talked about the details and the fact that she has my decor, I really don't feel like this was an easy thing to 'forget'."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because I am refusing to attend a milestone event (a 1st birthday) for my friend's daughter out of spite because she forgot to tell me and only me that the time changed and by choosing to charge her for the truffles which I secretly intended to gift."
"I am prioritizing my frustration over our friendship and potentially causing unnecessary drama on her child's birthday. My other friends think I'm overreacting to a simple accident, and by not showing up, I might be viewed as petty and inflexible."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA), but suggested she do what's best for her longterm over short term satisfaction.
"NTA, but this is your chance to be the bigger person honestly. It's not like you showed up at 4 and were told the party was from 2-3, or changed to the day before."
"Give her the damn truffles, go to the party even if it's only for 15 minutes and don't be spiteful. and don't send her a bill."
"If you want to end the friendship over this just ghost her after, fine. Don't be mean on her baby''s first birthday."
"Are you a parent? If you are, you know damn well that the first year is tough." ~ Odd-Worth7752
"I am a parent, and only one guest not being notified seems intentional. It's incredibly hard to forget to update the person you asked to do something for you, even in the midst of first-year confusion."
"I was a very disorganized person during the first year of life for both my kids, and no one I actually wanted at birthday parties was forgotten, even with all the back and forth about location and times. A few people being forgotten would be understandable, but only one, and the person you asked for an expensive favor? No."
"Where was the apology? If the friend was sorry at all, I would say NAH, but she doesn't seem to mind having made someone show up somewhere super early, which can be very embarrassing as well as all the inconveniences."
"I never said drop the friends, go nuclear, or anything of the sort, only that I feel if the host cared more, she would have given a real apology, and the lack of one didn't sit right." ~ hiskitty110617
"YWNBTA. I'd say, 'Shucks, I can't make it to the changed time. Just Venmo me $xx for the truffles and you can swing by and pick them up before noon'."
"If you want to be generous, you can offer to drop them off. After she pays." ~ CrankyWife
"The mother said she would pay (OP never told her she wasn't going to charge). Giving a time deadline for picking up the truffles because of possible prior plans is being kind to the mother. After all, it's not OP's fault she wasn't aware of the time change and made other plans."
"As far as the mother knows, she is still trying to find a way to get the truffles to a party OP can no longer attend due to the mother's inability to communicate with the person who not only helped plan the majority of the party (not telling the party planner the time change was devious) but also loaned party supplies."
"Burning the bridge would be not only refusing to provide the truffles but also taking back all of the loaned party decor before the party happened." ~ SmaugTheHedgehog
"NTA. It honestly sounds like the parent is using OP as the convenient new person they found who can make truffles and has a bunch of decor to borrow for her baby's birthday party. I wouldn't be surprised if the 'friendship' is convenient for the mom, but mom doesn't give 2 sh*ts about OP." ~ heytherecatlady
"I'd at least make her come to pick them up, seeing as she was the one who forgot (actually or ostensibly) to tell OP about the time change. She can pay for the ingredients as she expected to and OP can write off the time it took to make them as her gift."
"If I were OP, I would judge the friend's reaction to this, taking it as a clue as to whether OP was being used or it was a genuine mistake. If she acts entitled or put out at having to come and pick up the truffles I'd suspect that this friend views OP merely as a useful resource and the other new group as the friends she is invested in."
"If she takes it in stride that given her mistake, she has to come pick them up, and OP can't come, and is apologetic, then perhaps she made a mistake and didn't have her head on straight, even if she wasn't properly apologetic in the morning." ~ kurokomainu
The OP provided an update:
"Wow, I did not expect this to blow up!"
"First of all, I don't think it's fair for some people to say I'm self-obsessed or that it's 'clear' why I'm not included in the group. Clearly, those people have never been in a position where they had to move cities and make new friends—after a certain age, it is not easy."
"I wrote that first post while I was literally leaving the empty venue and heading home, so everything was fresh, and I just needed to process externally and see what others would do. I think that's pretty normal when you're frustrated."
"After taking a nap and reading through the comments, I decided to be an adult about it. I went to the birthday party in the afternoon, brought the truffles, and told her they were a gift."
"I do think she just had a 'mom brain' moment and genuinely forgot to tell me, but because I'm new here and have been struggling with feeling excluded, it hit me harder in the moment."
"Thank you, everyone, for your answers and for helping me see things more clearly. I'm not going to hold this over her head, but I am going to keep it in mind."
"If it happens again or becomes a pattern, I'll know this isn't the right friendship for me."
OP didn't let her initial reaction dictate her behavior. After some thought and a nap, she decided which course of action best suited her friendship goals.
She might have been justified in being mad, skipping the event, and charging her friend for the truffles as they originally agreed to do.
But that wouldn't suit her goal of gaining new friends.
It sounds like OP made a very mature decision.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.