Whether we want to show them to other people or not, we all have at least one sentimental item that we hold close, like a stuffed animal, photograph, or piece of jewelry. These usually remind us of especially fond memories or a person who was important to us.
When a romantic partner discovers these special items, them being critical of the items honestly should be a red flag, reasoned the people in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor MeiMystique had a special stuffed animal rabbit that her grandmother had given her when she was young, and it was the only item from her grandmother that she had.
When her boyfriend openly criticized her for keeping the rabbit, called her 'childish,' and even suggested decluttering the 'disgusting old toy,' the Original Poster (OP) began to second-guess the relationship.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to give up my childhood stuffed animal, even though it makes my boyfriend uncomfortable?"
The OP had a stuffed rabbit named Clover who was very sentimental to her.
"I (23 Female) have had a stuffed rabbit named Clover since I was born."
"My grandmother gave him to me the day I came home from the hospital, and he's the only physical thing I have left of her since she passed away when I was 10."
"Clover isn't in the best shape; his fur is matted, and he's missing an eye, but I love him dearly."
The OP's boyfriend, Jake, made fun of her for keeping Clover.
"Here's where the issue comes in. My boyfriend, Jake (25 Male), recently moved in with me, and he hates that I sleep with Clover."
"He says it's 'childish' and 'weird for an adult to be so attached to a stuffed animal.'"
"I told him Clover isn't just a toy to me; he's sentimental."
"But Jake keeps making little comments, hiding Clover when he makes the bed, and 'accidentally' knocking him onto the floor."
To the OP's horror, Jake even attempted to declutter Clover.
"A few nights ago, Jake told me it was time to 'grow up' and get rid of Clover."
"I told him flat-out that wasn't happening."
"He got frustrated and said it was embarrassing, and what would people think if they knew I still slept with a stuffed animal?"
"That set me off. I told him that if he was so concerned with what people thought, maybe he should date someone without emotions."
"Now he's been giving me the cold shoulder, saying I'm prioritizing a 'dirty old toy' over our relationship."
"My best friend is on my side, but my sister said she kind of gets where Jake is coming from."
"AITAH for keeping Clover?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
It sounded to some Redditors like Jake was the one who needed to grow up, not the OP.
"Godd**n, does Clover owe Jake money or something?! If a stuffed rabbit is his breaking point, perhaps it's Jake who should grow up and stop being a b***h about it. He can sleep on the couch, and Clover can have his spot." - 105bydesign
"Sorry not sorry, he can keep his cold shoulder! If anybody's acting childish, it's him! Keep the rabbit, lose the boyfriend!" - LunaPerry1980
"If the OP has to hide cherished items from her partner, I'd suggest the OP seriously reconsider their relationship. It is not about the soft toy. It's about empathy and respect and what the bunny symbolizes."
"That said, the OP should definitely hide her bunny while her ex-boyfriend moves out, so he cannot do anything to Clover, like get rid of him or pack him up in his stuff as a final surge of vengeance." - ClevelandWomble
"This is not about Clover. It is about control."
"OP... you are really deciding if you want to control your own life."
"Tell your boyfriend you appreciate his input, but Clover stays. No need to bring it up again."
"If he brings it up... then you know it is about control, not about what makes you happy, and brings back fond memories."
"Direct your life as you choose." - SeaLake4150
"Please hide Clover. My stuffed rabbits disappeared during my first marriage."
"OP, a person who genuinely loves you will love the things that make you feel good. They won't make you feel bad about having things that bring you comfort and joy."
"My cousin had a threadbare stuffed bunny that her late father bought in the hospital gift shop the day she was born. Her boyfriend kept b***hing about how grungy it looked and belittled her for keeping it."
"One day while she was at work, he did some 'deep cleaning' and threw Herkimer the Rabbit away and wanted her to thank him for ushering her into adulthood."
"When he came home from work the next day, he found the locks changed and all of his clothing and gaming equipment and a bunch of collectible figurines in the courtyard where they accidentally fell from the third story window, LOL." - celticmusebooks
Others told the OP to kick Jake out and to put Clover somewhere safe until Jake was gone.
"Sleep on the couch for now, and hide Clover. He can sleep in some other building after he moves out of the apartment with her. He sounds like a controlling loser." - Otherwise-Drama631
"I really hope OP hides/locks Clover away somewhere safe until Jake is gone."
"If she doesn't, I will bet you any amount of money that Clover will 'go missing' (as in, Jake will rip him up and/or throw him away)."
"This boy is too insecure, immature, and controlling to be in a healthy adult relationship." - GothicGingerbread
"This reminds me of this ex-boyfriend who totally destroyed his girlfriend's plants and threw them all in a river over jealousy."
"I am still mad about that. She was a gentle soul who loved her precious plant room, and he destroyed it all, driving the plants to a pond in the NEW TRUCK she was paying for because, boo hoo, he was going through a tough time financially."
"That guy can f**k off for forever. I hate this Jake dude, too. Get over it or get the f**k out of my house!!"
"These men are massive red flags, and I wouldn't put up with that disrespect to my belongings at all, no matter how silly they think the attachment is."
"She should hide Clover until he is gone." - Nikbot10
"My first thought was that he's going to end up destroying Clover."
"My second thought was that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect me and who I couldn't trust."
"OP, you're not prioritizing a toy (however important he may be). You're prioritizing your boundaries." - c00kiesd00m
"I've seen stories that people have gotten rid of someone's stuff because it makes them that 'uncomfortable.' OP needs Jake gone to keep Clover around and safe." - IIIAcanthocephala420
A few Redditors shared examples of how partners treated each other's prized possessions.
"He's going to 'lose' Clover or outright trash him. A real boyfriend would get him professionally cleaned and repaired, with your knowledge and consent."
"Dump the immature closer boyfriend." - Puppiesmommy
"For my first birthday after moving in with my college boyfriend, I got off work and came home to find he'd dry-cleaned my stuffed cat, sewed on new whiskers himself, bought him a little bowtie, and had him posed with one paw resting on a card and the other holding a balloon."
"I married the h**l out of that guy." - BistitchualBeekeeper
"NTA. It's a sentimental stuffed toy that means a lot to you. Whatever his problem is, he needs to get over it or leave."
"I had something similar and it was a stuffed cow. My grandfather bought it for me and gave it to me when I was two or three."
"To this day, I still have it. My husband even paid to have it professionally cleaned because it lived in a house with smokers until I could move out."
"He made it a shelf in our bedroom where it sits."
"Look for a man like that, not the one you have." - Creepy-Stable-6192
"My husband has a stuffed elephant from when he was a baby but wasn't able to bring it with him when he moved in with me, so I crocheted a new one for him."
"His mom came to visit recently and brought his old elephant, and now he has two, and I love seeing them in our bedroom."
"Your partner shouldn't be disgusted by your little loves. If anything, they should experience some of the same joy, knowing that they bring you joy." - GalacticPurr
"I'm 35 and have a bunny I also grew up with from an uncle who passed when I was very young."
"My partner bought me a giant dragon I cuddle when he's away, and my bestie gave me a stuffed Ponyo that comes with me to my hospital visits due to chronic illnesses. And I have a stuffed Llama that I bought for myself after my first long and severe hospital visit. He's my No Drama Llama, because when I have drama, he has none."
"Your partner is immature, disrespectful, and prefers to dictate his life, yours, and your relationship based upon external expectations of society, and fear of judgment from people that shouldn't have any impact upon your relationship."
"If he truly loved you and accepted you as you are, he wouldn't shame you, judge you, control you, and dismiss your own needs, wants, and what is important to you, and how you cope to feel safe and connected to past loved ones."
"Be careful, he knocks Clover on the floor and hides him. The next step here is throwing him out 'by accident.'"
"I'd highly recommend you end the relationship if he can't see your perspective, and is unable to practice compassion, curiosity, and acceptance of who you are." - Pixatron32
Decluttering is an important, life-changing movement that's really popular right now among those who would like to live with less, but the items that usually leave the home are extra pots, pans, and clothes.
The idea of a person being disgusted by an item that comforted their partner, and inspired them to think of fond memories, is alarming, and honestly, it sounds more important to declutter the partner than to declutter the "questionable" sentimental item.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.