Finding the perfect roommate scenario isn't always easy.
Most of the time, they just fall into one's lap.
It's an organic situation.
So walking away from a great roommate set-up takes a lot of thought.
The new scenario has to be just as right or better.
That is rarely the case.
Redditor ComprehensiveDay6532 found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her new B[oy]F[riend], her gay roommate, and their living arrangements, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for refusing to move in with my boyfriend after he said my living situation was inappropriate?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Hello, I am posting this seeking genuine advice and another opinion."
"I, 22 F[emale], live with my friend 22 M[ale], let's call him Joel."
"He is gay, which is relevant."
"We met at university and became best friends, then decided to live together."
"It works really well."
"We split bills, cook, watch TV, and share chores."
"It has always been easy and drama-free."
"After Uni, I moved home briefly, but it felt wrong, so Joel suggested I move back in."
"I did around late November."
"Since then, he's gotten a boyfriend."
"I get along with both of them and really like my living situation."
"At the New Year, I decided to start dating again."
"I matched with a guy, I'll call him Max, 23 M, who lives really close."
"We talked for a few weeks and went on a date."
"It went really well."
"Here is where I might be the AH."
"I usually mention my living situation on the first date because it caused issues with my ex, but I forgot this time."
"I told him on the second date and apologized."
"He seemed completely fine with it."
"We've now been together just over two months."
"I've been to his place loads, but he hasn't been to mine."
"I invited him over recently."
"That is when everything took a turn."
"He asked if Joel would be there."
"I said no."
"Then he sent a long message saying he doesn't like that I live with another man."
"He went into detail about how 'weird' it is that we share things like laundry, a shower, and a couch, making it sound inappropriate."
"I pointed out he lives with his parents, so technically shares those same things too, which made him angrier."
"He then said that living with a man means I'm being 'taken advantage of' and that he wants to move out."
"Then he suggested we should move in together."
"After two months."
"At this point, I was just confused."
"His messages kept getting worse, and he spoke about Joel in a really disgusting way, even though he's never met him."
"I told him I'm not moving in with someone after two months."
"He said if I was serious about him, I would want to, and that no 'normal G[irl]F[riend]' would live with another man over her boyfriend."
"That annoyed me because no one is choosing anyone."
"I already had this living situation before him."
"Now he's barely speaking to me and acting like I've done something wrong."
"I feel a bit guilty for not mentioning it on the first date, but his reaction feels extreme."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITAH for not telling him sooner and for refusing to move in with him to 'fix' the situation?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Girl, dump him."
"Sharing a couch is inappropriate?"
"He has some serious issues."
"Cut your losses and run." ~ shyfidelity
"I could never betray my husband by sitting on a couch that another man has sat on!"
"We're on our 17th couch so far, but it's worth it to ensure the purity of our love remains intact." ~ perfidious_snatch
"RUN!!!!!!! And block him."
"Homophobic, controlling, verbally abusive..." ~ AWTNM1112
"Two months in is meant to be still the honeymoon period, where manipulative a**holes are on their best behavior to lure in people they can manipulate."
"This idiot is so entitled he can't even lovebomb effectively."
"Drop him like a New Year's gym membership."
"You can find far better."
"Look at it this way, if he can't even treat another man with basic human decency, he'll never respect you."
"He's already dictating who you can hang out with/where you live and acting like a feral dog with a bone."
"This is when he's supposedly on his best behaviour to keep you invested in him."
"It will only get worse the more secure he feels in controlling you. NTA." ~ I_wanna_be_anemone
"N[ot] O[ver]R[acting]."
"Funny how he doesn't have his own place to live until he can sucker you into paying half of the bills."
"I'm noticing a lot of men live at home and only move out when they get a girlfriend who can pay half."
"This man doesn't like you or respect you."
"And moving in with him is just going to be a lot more drama and control."
"Right now, you have a great roommate who splits the bills and splits the chores, but if you move in with him, what you're going to have is a controlling abuser who you will pay while doing all/most of the chores."
"Because this is not a man who will be fair and pull his weight." ~ Maleficent-Bottle674
"NTA! Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father."
"Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers!"
"He's a Hobosexual!" ~ Bunny_Omega
"NTA. Move in after 2 months? Yikes."
"He's a control freak."
"Maybe he decided to move out and thinks it would be easier if you moved in with him so you could split the bills, and he's just blaming your situation to try to control you into doing what he wants?"
"Seems odd how he's known for 2 months and just now throws a hissy fit." ~ Aggressive_Dress_220
"NTA. Dump this a**hole, then spend some time figuring out while you feel the need to be apologetic when you've done nothing wrong." ~ No-Loquat-2763
"NTA, he's insane."
"As a gay man who lives with a straight female friend, no one she's dated has ever been weird about it."
"In fact, the guys usually try to suck up to ME, because she's told them I'm protective of her, so they try to befriend me to get a good review... LMAO."
"Anyone who said they had an issue with us living together wouldn't even get a first date with her."
"It's so grossly controlling, run far away." ~ purple235
"He sounds REAAAAALLY insecure to be threatened by the presence of men who have zero chance of being interested in you sexually."
"Not a good sign."
"Do not move in."
"Consider running away. NTA." ~ djdaem0n
"NTA, I had a Joel at your age who I lived with, and it was the most comfortable and mentally calm time of my life."
"Your BF is already sounding controlling."
"Anyone who cares about you should care about your friends too (unless they're obviously a problem, which isn't the case here)."
"Keep standing your ground; if BF won't support your choices, he can leave." ~ YouWantedFeedback
"Runnnnnnnnn awaaaaaaaaay!!!"
"Your BF is a walking red flag 🚩!!!" ~ pristine_vida
OP came back to chat...
"Before it escalated, when I first invited my boyfriend over, I had sent him my address and postcode in our messages because I just assumed he'd agree and come round at some point."
"That's how he had it."
"Since he wasn't really speaking to me after the argument, I was taking a bit of time to think and planning to have a proper conversation and end things."
"Then at around 2 AM, someone knocked on the door."
"I assumed it was Joel coming back from his boyfriend's early, so I opened it without thinking."
"I know, terrible idea."
"It was Max."
"I was completely caught off guard."
"He acted like it was normal and asked to come in, but I said no because I was uncomfortable and stayed in the doorway."
"He started explaining everything from his side of things."
"He said he was fine with my living situation initially, but recently mentioned it to a friend who called it a 'red flag,' and it got in his head."
"After that, he apparently found Joel's Instagram through my profile and decided he 'doesn't seem gay' because he doesn't post his boyfriend, which apparently makes the whole thing 'suspicious.'"
"I told him that was a ridiculous assumption and that he has no right to question Joel's sexuality."
"I told him it's not up for debate just because he doesn't post his entire relationship online."
"I also made it clear that Joel is my friend and has never made me uncomfortable in any way over the two-plus years we've lived together."
"Max kept saying he was just 'looking out for me,' but then brought up moving in together again."
"This time, he said it wasn't random."
"Apparently, he's been looking at apartments for a few weeks because he feels like a burden living with his parents."
"He said in his head it just made sense for us to move in together, fix my 'situation' and be more serious."
"Then he told me he loves me."
"He also said he showed up because I wasn't replying much, and it was 'driving him crazy' and he needed to talk in person."
"At that point, I told him I needed time to think and that showing up at 2 AM was not okay."
"He kept trying to continue the conversation, but I ended it, shut the door, and locked it."
"I sent him a paragraph ending things because I don't think we're compatible, and this whole situation upset me."
"He's messaged since, but I haven't replied, will likely block him."
"Joel came home later and was very supportive."
"So yeah."
"Thank you for all the support."
"I'm feeling relieved that this is over now, to be honest."
Glad you found a way out, OP.
Reddit has your back if you need it.
Max has a lot of growing up to do.
It's nice that you and Joel have one another to lean on.
Good Luck.
