Content Warning: Mentions of Abusive Relationships and Negging
Not all relationships are created equal, and that's also true for toxic and abusive relationships.
Some people won't realize how bad a relationship they're in for a long time, because it doesn't look like the typical representations of abuse and toxicity.
A "popular" feature that people struggle to catch on to is negging, a combination of backhanded compliments and insults disguised as jokes, meant to tear a romantic partner down over time, pointed out members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor lyss_uhh had been with her boyfriend for a while, and one more time, when he repeatedly woke her from sleeping to comment on the state of their mattress, her weight, and allude to her being the cause of the mattress breakdown, she realized how often he made comments like this.
Also realizing that he was wrong in his evaluation of her, the Original Poster (OP) decided to end the relationship before the comments could continue.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for getting upset because my boyfriend kept waking me up and then making upsetting comments?"
The OP's boyfriend repeatedly woke her up and messed with her sleep.
"I (26 Female) was sleeping over at my boyfriend's (32 Male) place and woke up this morning."
"This morning wasn't the best in general because I woke up with severe menstrual cramps."
"At around 10 AM, he started tapping my shoulder and asking if I needed to get up and go to the bathroom or drink water. I woke up a bit and said no and closed back off."
"Then he kept bothering me, telling me that I should wake up because it was getting late. I told him I had cramps and wanted to sleep in a little longer."
"Mind you, he was still in bed, too, and I wasn't keeping us from going anywhere."
Then the OP's boyfriend started making comments on her weight.
"He kept bothering me after that. I finally asked what his problem was, and he said it was nothing, just that his back hurt and he needed room to stretch out. He's 6'4, and I'm 5'9."
"I said okay, still annoyed, and then went to the bathroom. I came back, and he was sprawled across the bed."
"I asked him to scoot over, and he agreed but then asked me to give him a back massage. I got upset and left to sit on a chair instead."
"He then sprawled across the bed and said that he needed to get a new mattress because my 'side of the bed is deformed and dented in.'"
The OP felt conflicted about how her boyfriend was treating her.
"He's made 'jokes' about my weight before (I weigh 178 pounds, and he weighs 170). He never explicitly said that it's because I weigh too much, but he strongly implied it."
"This hurt my feelings, and I've been pretty upset and crying all day."
"I just feel like he doesn't respect me in general or care about the fact that I'm not feeling well. Am I overreacting here, or is this… bad?"
The OP continued to think of more ways that her boyfriend had mistreated her.
"Also, in case it matters, I found out a month ago that I have sub-hypothyroidism, and my doctor thinks that's why I have gained 15 pounds in the last four months and have really heavy and painful periods. Other than that, my doctor said I was completely healthy and just needed to fix the hormonal imbalance. I've been on meds lately, and my weight has gone down about one pound per week so far. My boyfriend knows all of this and still comments on my weight."
"There was also a chocolate festival in the neighboring town today: free chocolate tastings and fun stuff. I asked if he wanted to go, and he said, 'That doesn't sound very healthy,' while he ate Oreos and a protein shake for breakfast… I think he equates being skinny with being healthy."
"I honestly had zero insecurities until I met him a year ago; even now, I usually get compliments from strangers when I'm out and about. I've started to think that he's been intentionally trying to wear me down."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that she was not overreacting about her boyfriend's bad jokes and harmful commentary.
"NOR. In fact, you're under-reacting imo. This wasn't a misunderstanding or a bad joke."
"It was repeated disrespect while you were vulnerable, capped with a passive-aggressive body dig. If this is how he treats you when you're in pain, believe the pattern." - ProlapsedMonday
"NOR. Just the fact that you have to state your weight and his weight to show that it appears that you think you are obviously heavier than him tells me that he's already affected your self-esteem."
"By the way, 178 for a five-foot-nine woman is fine."
"He sounds very passive-aggressive. Moaning and groaning, and insisting you get up very possibly just so that he could make that crude remark about the dent in the mattress would be all I would need to say, 'See you later,' and then be gone for good." - Justyermom
"NOR. I'm also 5'9 and am around your weight. My partner is 6'7 and around 240."
"He says, your partner is a pathetic little b***h who doesn't appreciate you."
"I've been with men who take their insecurities out on me. This man-child is negging you, and it's working. Drop the 170-pound energy vampire. Being alone has to be better than being with an unsupportive man."
"He's also messing with your stress levels, your rest, AND your sleep schedule, all of which will make your medical situation worse. I bet you'll feel a lot better, FAST, in your mind AND body after you ditch this guy." - randomdude221221
"NOR."
"He's showing AND telling you with his words AND actions what kind of guy he is."
"SPOILER: a s**tty one."
"You're allowed to stand up from the table when respect is no longer being served, OP. I would look for an exit plan on that relationship as soon as possible." - copypop
"NOR. Read what you just said. Does this sound like a good partner to you? Do you think you should be feeling this way with someone who truly loves you?"
"Your partner should make you feel safe and loved. That is what someone who truly loves you should make you feel." - smoked_parzival
Others agreed and hoped that the OP would end things before her boyfriend treated her worse.
"The good news is you don't live together."
"Honestly, if it were me, and I meant to break up with him, I'd probably tell him not to contact me again because he's a selfish, immature brat, and then mute him everywhere."
"Not block, just in case he gets crazy. But yeah.... Be done with that s**t. Never speak to him again if you can avoid it. We have one life, girl. Don't waste it on people like him." - Revolutionary_Wrap76
"Dump that jerk. A partner, or even a friend, lifts you up, not puts you down. He's being passive-aggressive and is insecure." - Ok_Math_1099
"I'm sorry to say this, but he's going to continue trying to tear you down. You didn't have any insecurities until you met him, so that tells you a lot right there."
"He is not the person for you. He's not going to get any better. He will always be an a**hole." - Suspicious_Dark3251
"Hypothyroidism is also closely linked to depression, just FYI. Living in a hyper- or hypo-thyroid state is miserable, and it makes it difficult to see the world and yourself clearly. You're probably retaining a s**tload of water."
"Anytime I'm hypo, I look at myself in the mirror and don't recognize my face because it changes so much from the water bloat. Thyroid issues f**k with your brain much more than people think."
"It's also SUPER dependent on stress levels. I wouldn't be surprised if your condition significantly improves after leaving this guy." - BohemianHibiscus
"NOR. What value does he add to your life?"
"It sounds to me like you need a new boyfriend, one who will respect you and support you as you are on your journey to get your hormonal balance righted."
"One who will bring you a heating pad and some Ibuprofen when you stay in bed late with your period, a guy who will make you feel good about yourself, not insecure."
"A guy who will say, 'A chocolate festival? Sounds like a lot of fun, let's go!'"
"OP, you deserve to be respected. You deserve to be happy." - Provers21-3
After receiving feedback, the OP felt reassured and shared an update.
"Thank you all for your comments."
"I went out with one of my best friends a few days ago and was telling her about the issues in my relationships. And she said that she thinks I'm in a cycle of emotional abuse."
"I think so, too. When he was doing all of this, it was like, I don't know, seeing everything without wool over my eyes. That's the underlying reason for me being upset."
"While we were hanging out, she reminded me that I am indeed pretty, hot, and that people would 'kill for my body type' (her words). She also said that I might be developing/have body dysmorphia. She also showed me some photos that she took of me in December on our girls' trip which made me kinda feel better."
"After looking at all of your comments, I broke up with him yesterday morning."
"He seemed really… surprised? And sad. He said he was just 'worried about my health' and that he doesn't understand why I'd think he didn't like me because of my weight."
"There were a bunch of other things leading up to this, as well. He also said a bunch of other stuff and more or less begged me not to end things."
It was obvious to everyone else that this boyfriend was bad news, and everyone expressed relief when the OP woke up to his comments, literally, and broke up with him.
Since he seemed to be so eager for her to lose some weight, the fastest way was to dump 170 pounds of it. That should do the trick.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.