Personal space isn't just about the little bubble of air around your body.
The desk you work off of, the room you sleep in and the car you drive are all just as vital personal spaces.
So, when we invite someone to share one of our personal spaces it can be an extremely personal decision.
What happens when the person we've invited decides to invite someone else along for the ride?
This was the problem facing Redittor and Original Poster (OP) Complex_Librarian_82 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for some outside opinions on her hypothetical "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA) question.
She asked:
"WIBTA For refusing to allow boyfriend's problem child move in with us?"
She began with the background.
"Going to keep it simple."
"I (45 Female), a childless widow of less than a year, made a decision to ask my boyfriend to move in with me. I am the homeowner."
"His children have always lived quite a distance away with their mother, with yearly visits."
Everything was fine until...
"Suddenly, within a month of moving in with me, boyfriend expresses that his 13 Male son wants to move in with us, along with descriptions of the boy as being a major problem child."
"Boyfriend's circumstances are such that if he was not living with me, he would be unable to offer his son this option."
"My opinion is that I did not sign up for this, am not ready for this, and I chose not to be a parent deliberately."
OP was left to wonder.
"Would I be the a**hole if I say no, your son can't live here?"
Having explained the situation, she turned to Reddit for some outside thoughts.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Many responses raised concerns for OP's wellbeing
"I am so sorry for your loss OP. But it sounds like this relationship isn't healthy and your boyfriend is taking advantage of you. If you're not in grief counseling I would consider that." ~ ExperienceSea820
And,
"hugs"
"It's never too late to take a step back. Get him out of your house and tell him you are still open to dating (or not, depending on how you feel right now)."
"His response will tell you a lot."
"You can even pay a security deposit as a gift if you are worried about feeling guilty (this is for YOU, not for him)." ~LurkingOakleaf
Others pointed out that OP was blindsided in this.
"NTA."
"You are not comfortable living with his son and you are not obligated at all to do so."
"Everyone seems to be saying that OP shouldn't have moved in with a parent."
"However, I am sure OP was under the impression that the kids were living full time with the mother and that was not going to change."
"I bet the boyfriend didn't tell her anything before moving in either." ~ hakase4446
There were questions about boyfriend's integrity.
"Why did he live so far from his son?"
"Is his son homeless and a ward of the state whom he is trying to reclaim?"
"This guy sounds extremely suspicious. I can't imagine the lies he might try to pull when you say no." ~AssinineAssassin
Responses even suggested ulterior motives on boyfriend's side.
"NTA."
"I can't tell you how many men find a woman JUST to get more custody of their kids."
"Sometimes it's so they don't have to pay as much child support."
"Sometimes they love their kids and just need someone to watch them or a better living situation."
"Either way, I think this was always the plan for your new BF and I think moving in together this soon was a huge mistake."
"You might want to SERIOUSLY rethink that."
"I'm thinking his kids are going to be around a ton, and you won't be able to get them out."
"I'd have him move out before he has tenant laws to help him drag out being forced out." ~ crystallz2000
OP did return with some updates.
"**ETA:"
"Slight clarification here - we have been dating for only 4 months, and I realize that moving in together after a short time may have been moving quickly."
"Maybe it is my recent widowhood that has me feeling the need for love and companionship."
"I am not necessarily saying that I would NEVER allow his son to move in."
"It just seems that with only 4 months of dating, and 1 month of living together, it is far too soon to be having this conversation."
"The possibility of any of his kids moving in here was not discussed prior to him moving in."
"I was of course aware of the fact that in an emergency situation (i.e. demise of mother), the children would absolutely come here."
"ETA:"
"I fully expected an a**hole judgment for thinking even for a moment that my boyfriend should choose me over his child (although some commenters have expressed that view)."
"There is a lot of information I have not included here, and won't now."
"But those of you telling me that this is a bad idea, and he is possibly taking advantage of me have really made me think about some things, and I'm scared you might be right."
"I'm not sure exactly what I will do at this point."
"But I realize now that I have allowed my boundaries to be pushed over in a lot of different areas, and I am really questioning a lot of aspects of this relationship."
"This was my first experience on Reddit, and I appreciate all of you taking the time to give me a different viewpoint. <3"
Personal space isn't just about the area of air around your body.
The safe places we construct for ourselves in life are just as personal to us as any physical distance and deserve just as much protection.
Be careful with anyone who tries to push at those boundaries, just as you'd be careful with someone getting too close to you at a club.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.