The saying is you'll know when the time is right. It stands to reason then that you'll know when it isn't right.
A 24-year-old woman decided her 26-year-old boyfriend's timing was way off, but her strongly disagreed. After they argued, she turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit for help.
The Redditor shared:
"I stopped my boyfriend (26m) proposing during my parent's vow renewal. Now he's ignoring me."
She explained:
"My parents have been married 25 years. They got married at 18, while mum was pregnant with me, on dad's lunch break, in work clothes, in the registrar's office, so they never got a proper wedding."
"Now they've hit 25 years, they decided to have a vow renewal on their 25th anniversary, which was 3 days ago (26th). They couldn't have the large reception they wanted, so this was just me, my siblings, my uncle, and a family friend in the garden of my parent's home."
"Mum was wearing a wedding dress, dad in a suit, and they made clear they were treating it like a real wedding and it was basically a re-do of their actual wedding day."
"My boyfriend and I have been together just over 2 years, moved in together about 6 months ago. On the 26th, my boyfriend was weirdly nervous all day."
"I figured it was just nerves because some of my family don't really like him so he gets anxious at the prospect of being around them. Then after the renewal dad says a few words, so does mum, and my boyfriend asks if he can have everyone's attention."
"That's when I see him take out a ring box and my heart just drops, because of all the times/places to pop the question, my parent's vow renewal/re-do wedding is not the time or the place."
"He was stood right next to me, so I just sort of grabbed his hand holding the box and put both the hand and box back in his pocket, and when he looked at me I just shook my head. He then pulled the box out again and I whispered 'not here'."
"He seemed to accept that and gave a short speech about my parents. A little later we excused ourselves and got back in the car to go home, at which point he turned to me and went 'what the f'k was that?'"
"I said I should be asking him that, he said he was trying to be romantic, I told him he missed the mark. We spent the entire drive home totally silent."
The Original Poster (OP) found out some important information once they got home.
"We get home, he pulls up Facebook, and shows me messages between him and my parents, where they have given their express consent for him to propose at the vow renewal. I text my parents asking about it and they both confirmed it, and mum said she was surprised he didn't end up doing it."
"It's been 3 days, and he's barely spoken to me. He's slept on the sofa every night, despite me asking him to come to bed."
"I've asked to talk about it, the first time he said 'it's no big deal, let's just drop it' and since then he's just been flat out ignoring me."
"I want so badly to talk this out, but he's so upset with me for f'king up his proposal and I have no idea how to fix this. Is there anything I can say/do to get him to talk to me?"
Redditors suggested everything from ignoring the problem—since her boyfriend was—all the way to immediately breaking up with him.
The OP decided not to take the more extreme advice. They opted for the communication and counseling option.
She provided an update.
"I went and talked to him. I said that I wasn't saying no to the concept of marrying him one day, but I was saying 'not now,' because first we need to work some shit out."
"No more ignoring me for days on end or shutting down in general. We are going to arrange couple's counseling, and if he ever shuts down on me like this again we're done, because I cannot be with someone who refuses to speak to me when there's an issue."
He's apologized for how he acted, said he was embarrassed, and he admitted that he knew that this was too soon."
"He recently went to his hometown, during which he had a conversation with his brother about seizing the day, and this somehow turned into his brother giving him their grandmother's ring and convincing him to pop the question."
"He's also attributed the shutting down to some stuff from his childhood (he's asked me not to go into detail), and after discussing it we think the shutting down might be due to a fear of him directing the worst of his anger at me."
"He has also agreed to individual therapy to get further into all of that. We talked a little more about the timeline on marriage and we've agreed to revisit the topic after we've developed better communication skills."
"He's feeling a lot better now we've spoken, and he's even joked that it's probably a good thing I stopped him proposing as he's realized that my parent's vow renewal was a terrible setting, and I admitted that before this conversation I wasn't sure I'd have said yes."
"I truly think we're going to be okay, and just from having this initial conversation, I feel so much better about the idea of marrying him, because he's shown willingness to work on himself and on our relationship."
"And before people start calling me an idiot over red flags or whatever please know that this is one tiny snapshot of our relationship and for every 1 dumb/inconsiderate thing he does, he does 999 lovely things and in general he loves and respects me and is a much better guy than the start of this post probably makes him sound."
The OP and her boyfriend discovered there is no perfect moment to propose, but hopefully there will be a time that's right for them.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.