When tragedy strikes a family, differing approaches to grieving are to be expected. It’s healthy to allow everybody to process the loss in the way they need to.
But sometimes one person’s mournful behavior encroaches on the well-being of another.
A recent Reddit thread, posted to the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit, featured exactly that dynamic.
The Original Poster (OP), known as wandsandbroomsticks on the site, laid it all out pretty clearly in the post’s title.
“AITA for asking my BF to leave our apartment after he insisted on praying for me every minute of everyday ever since I had a miscarriage?”
OP began the post with an explanation of the relationship context.
“My [26-year-old female] BF [24-year-old male] and I have been living together for a little over a year and dating for 3. We found out recently that I had become pregnant.”
“While this is not something we were planning, we are financially in a position to take on this responsibility. We had also previously discussed having kids and were both for it down the line.”
“So we decided to go forward with this.”
But then something unexpected occurred.
“We were both very excited and things were going well until 5 days ago when I had a miscarriage.”
“It is all still very traumatic and I do not want to go into the details.”
And, not uncommonly, each faced the tragedy in their own way.
“I have had a tough time processing it and have been very sad and emotional these past few days.”
“However, my BF insists on praying with/for me All the time.”
“He wants to ask for forgiveness for whatever mistakes we may have made in our life. He says once God forgives us for our sins we will once again receive a child.”
OP was forced to speak up.
“We have discussed religion before. I believe in it but am not super religious, he believes in it a lot more than me.”
“I understand he is hurting but I am processing my own grief.”
“I do not want to sit in the prayer room all day and ask for forgiveness and certainly not for another child right now. It is all a bit much for me.”
“I have tried communicating this to him but he keeps praying and asks me to join him all the time.”
Eventually, enough was enough.
“He has been doing it again since breakfast this morning. It has all built up a lot of anger and I finally lost it and told him to leave the apartment about half an hour ago.”
“I had been crying since then until his parents called me and told me I am being insensitive, harsh and not caring for his feelings and needs.”
“I understand that I should not have yelled or told him to leave but it was getting overwhelming and a continuous reminder to me of what I had lost.”
“Was I really the a**hole here?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Most Redditors supported OP’s response to her boyfriend. In the process, they assured OP that she didn’t need to feel guilt.
“NTA. It’s incredibly unhealthy to view a miscarriage as a punishment from God, and to have him constantly in your face talking about your ‘sins’ when you’re trying to grieve and process your loss… I can’t even imagine.”
“I’m so sorry. And I hope you know that ‘sins’ had nothing to do with it.” — rosefurcoat
“NTA OP, no ‘sin’ caused this loss. Sadly miscarriage is common. You do not need to ask forgiveness for anything to do with your miscarriage.”
“It is cruel of your BF to suggest otherwise, regardless of his religious convictions. It is cruel to both of you. Time apart to look after yourself sounds like a good call.” — Pikekip
“NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss and what you’re going through. And for what it’s worth from a stranger on the internet, your loss has nothing to do with your “sins” and you don’t need forgiveness.”
“He has every right to pray. And you have every right to ask him to not pray around you. If he can’t respect that, that’s 100% on him. Do the things you need to do to feel better. If he wants to join you- great. And if not, do them independently for yourself.”
“Take care of yourself.” — Flashy-Opinion369
“NTA The main idea of the whole thing is always: god is not an a**hole”
“He didnt gave you a miscarriage, you did nothing wrong and you do not need to ask for forgiveness”
“Your BF is the insensitive one here. Im so sorry you’re having to go through this and he isnt supportive of you.” — judgemental_butthole
Others highlighted the fine line between grieving in one’s own way, and taking that to an unhealthy level.
“Omg, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your bf is entitled to greif the way he wants but he is not entitled to make you greif with him.” — Superb-Building-8701
“NTA. You’re both entitled to your grief, but he is NOT entitled to blaming you or himself. Neither of you did anything to cause the miscarriage. I’d recommend asking him to seek help with regards to his extreme religious guilt.”
“Also I know you said you’re not ready for a baby again yet, but when you are, please really think about whether or not you want a man who reacts like this to be the father of your child.”
“If he isn’t willing to relax on this ‘god must be punishing us for something’ mentality, how do you think he would handle it if a future child of yours had a miscarriage? Or if they end up being gay or trans?” — Fickle_Ostrich4923
“NTA. Your grief is your own, as is his. How you handle it is different and he should respect that. The only thing putting him in the wrong is his continual attempts to make you pray with him after you communicated that it’s too much for you.”
“He may think it’ll bring you both some kind of peace and maybe that’s why he’s so pushy about it. There’s every chance you both need your own time to deal with this and then talk about how to move forwards.”
“My heart goes out to you for having to go through this. I wish you all the best in the world.” — medstromx13
OP evidently heard that feedback loud and clear. She posted an updated outlining the ongoing state of things following the recent events.
“Thank you all so very much for your kind words. I have been following your comments for the past few hours and they are immensely helpful and made me feel a little better.”
“I am planning to take some time away and reconsider this relationship but also join counseling, individually for now.”
“I have also been receiving multiple other calls and messages from other members of his family to the point that I’ve had to turn off my phone.”
“I haven’t spoken to him and after this rather upsetting stream of events I don’t think I can right now.”
“Also for those of you asking, we are followers of Hinduism and it is very common to have a prayer room or at least a prayer corner if you are living in a smaller space. Thank you once again.”