Artists often find themselves in the position of defending their prices.
They're often asked to provide their time, talent and efforts for free to "expand their portfolio" or "gain exposure."
But art is a luxury that an unwillingness to pay for is on the consumer to resolve, not the artist.
An artist dealing with these issues in her personal life turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Beneficial-Survey804 asked:
"AITA for refusing to do a portrait for my boyfriend, leaving him without a wedding gift?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I do digital portraits, mostly as a hobby, but I have gotten a few commissions here and there. It is like a painted portrait, but I use a digital painting app on my iPad instead of a canvas and paints."
"A while ago, my boyfriend and I were hanging out with mutual friends and my boyfriend suggested in front of everyone that I do a portrait as a gift for someone's upcoming birthday."
"While it was a little annoying to be volunteered by him, I did think it was a good gift idea and went ahead and did it. The next time a birthday in the group came up, my boyfriend made the same suggestion and as a result 'the birthday portrait' has kind of become my thing."
"My boyfriend will get something small as his gift since he views the portrait as being 'from us'."
"The part where I may be the a**hole here is that I haven't told him explicitly to stop volunteering me for these portraits."
"It is my fault for going along with the birthday gift thing for our friends without saying anything, but I kind of assumed that he would at least keep these requests within the realm of common sense."
"Well...his college buddy is getting married, and my boyfriend told him that I would make him a portrait of him and his bride as a wedding gift. I have never even met this person!"
"I feel like I never did anything to lead him to believe that I was OK with doing free portraits for complete strangers."
"To make matters worse, he apparently made this promise weeks ago but only told me about it today, and the wedding is this Saturday."
"I finally lost it at him and told him that I'm not his personal portrait sweatshop, and that he only does this because he's a cheapskate and it gets him out of spending any money on a gift, even though it costs me a lot of time."
"He argued back that a bespoke portrait is so much better than just buying something off the registry, that it's a generous thing for me to do, it helps build my portfolio, and that I don't get very many paid commissions anyway."
"For the record—I don't get many paid commissions because I don't charge peanuts for them. I have a full time job, so I price according to what would be worth giving up the amount of free time that it takes me."
"He told me that I put him in a really difficult position, that he hyped up the portrait, and they were both really looking forward to it."
"He said please just do this one and I won't ask again. I said no, I don't even know these people, this is so not my problem."
"He looked up a couple of portrait artists online, but none of them were willing to do the piece on the short turnaround he needed + at the quality he wanted + at the price he was willing to pay."
"He even tried using an AI image generator—which was a complete slap in the face to me as an artist—but all of the outputs were very obviously AI."
"He's begging me to please just do this one and he will make it up to me on my birthday, but—especially after he apparently thought my work was so worthless that it could be effortlessly reproduced by a machine—I'm just really not in the mood."
"He has never paid me before, since it was considered my/our gift to mutual friends."
"But for this one he says my asking price ($300) would be too much out of pocket to spend on a college friend's wedding gift."
The OP added:
"I just reached far back in my brain and remembered a time he got me a new purse decorated with what was obviously my best friend's embroidery."
"At the time I just assumed he had paid her for it (because why the hell wouldn't he?) and this whole conversation about the portraits has me realizing the probable truth."
"I just texted her asking if she got paid, if she says no I am going to be very unhappy."
"Update: I am very unhappy."
The OP summed up their conundrum.
"I held my tongue on not liking the 'volunteer' portraits until my refusal actually put him in a tight spot."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA—It would be one thing if he gave you a months notice."
"I suspect that he had a hunch you wouldn't want to do a portrait for someone you don't know and haven't even met. That's likely why he sprang it on you last minute—so that you felt like you could not say no."
"He can go buy another present and apologize to his friend. The fact that's he's trying to twist your arm to get you to do this rather than taking responsibility for his poor planning and rude assumptions is absolutely his problem."
"I would not back down, and if he won't let this go, I would seriously take a look at the relationship and evaluate how often he has devalued you and taken advantage of you at the same time."
"I don't believe that the boyfriend was completely clueless."
"Certainly OP has made some previous insinuation that when it comes to friends' birthdays, he buys a cheap gift and piggybacks on her hard work. Or maybe even their mutual friends have ribbed him over this."
"Either way, he knows that what he is asking for is too much, and he only got away with it in the past because the portraits were for their mutual friends. His choice to drop this request last minute was completely orchestrated to try and manipulate OP." ~ neoncactusfields
"This really all boils down to his cheap a**. Saves him time and money yet he's able to bask in the glory of a gorgeous bespoke portrait."
To be honest, I'd dump the lump but that's just me. OP is NTA as long as she charges him full price PLUS a rush fee."
"Big bucks. Hit him where he can feel it. He'll never volunteer her again—guaranteed." ~ Fuzzy_Laugh_1117
"He thinks so little of her art and skill, as well as her time, that he thinks she can crank out wedding gift quality portraits in a couple hours because 'photoshop is so easy'."
"OP, you are NTA. Don't do it unless you both charge him AND make him watch your painstaking process." ~ notpostingmyrealname
"'He told me that I put him in a really difficult position' = HUGE RED FLAG. He is blaming you for a situation 100% of his own making."
"What else does he blame you for? He's late for work because you didn't wake him up? He has no clean clothes because you didn't do his laundry?"
"Putting aside the obvious lack of respect (not wanting to pay you, etc...), just the fact that he blames YOU for the situation HE created bodes poorly for any long-term relationship with this guy. NTA." ~ Ashamed_Ad4280
"NTA, but I'd gift wrap this with a breakup because of the sheer amount of entitlement and disrespect he has towards you."
"This is not a behavior that can be talked out, he's trying to save face more over making things better with you. The fact he voluntold you and has done so multiple times without thinking of you and your feelings says it all."
"He only cares to make himself look good." ~ Proper_Strategy_6663
"As an artist, I'm absolutely disgusted by his behavior. NTA, and this would be breakup territory for me too." ~ tweetthebirdy
"Voluntold and then is also taking credit for it—'a gift from US'. Even the gift for his college friend's wedding is all from OP."
"Doesn't the college friend realize that??? I would feel so weird to have a friend volunteer SOMEONE ELSE to create/design/make a wedding gift for me."
"Plus, I just realized that what if my boyfriend had been able to create something okayish with AI or Photoshop? He then would've said it was OP's work and let folks think OP did shoddy work. NTA." ~ One_Ad_704
"NTA. He needs to admit that he promised your time and work without asking you and that it turns out it isn't possible for you to do it. He needs to put the blame rightly on himself and not throw you under the bus."
"He can wear some well-deserved egg on his face and make it up to them by buying them a decent wedding gift. He can mitigate his foolishness by spending a bit more money, surely. He should suffer, not you."
"Even if you were willing to do it one last time, he screwed that up by waiting until the last minute to even tell you. That's just the absolutely inconsiderate cherry on the taking your time and work for granted cake." ~ kurokomainu
Most Redditors weren't sure there was hope for this relationship.
OP certainly has a lot of things to consider.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.