Traveling with a group of friends can be difficult.
Generally speaking, no two people ever want to do precisely the same things.
Resulting in frequent conflicts over what to see, where to eat, and what to do, and often making the return flight home far less joyous than the arriving flight to the destination.
Redditor lateatdinner couldn't wait to go on her bachelorette weekend with her bridesmaids.
Though the original poster (OP) was less than thrilled to hear that one of her bridesmaids wanted to veer off and do her own thing.
When this same bridesmaid was later late to a dinner she had planned, the OP was downright angry.
In spite of the rather poignant reason, she was late.
Wondering if she overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my cousin she can't run off to do her own thing, when she was late to dinner on my bachelorette trip."
The OP shared why she was so upset by her cousin's late arrival at a dinner during her bachelorette weekend.
"I'm (30 F[emale]) getting married soon and went to NY for my bachelorette trip recently."
"There were 8 of us including my cousin Hayley, (33 F[emale]) who's one of my bridesmaids."
"We were only there for a couple of days, and there were a few different things we wanted to do."
"Also I only asked people to pay for their flight and hotel share, I paid for everything else."
"I made early dinner reservations for everyone on our last night, and we were going somewhere else after."
"Hayley mentioned that day she wanted to go visit a cemetery to pay her respects to visit her late husband."
"I said okay but to be back in time to go to dinner."
"I made the reservations for 5, and it was already 4:30, but Hayley wasn't back at the hotel."
"A couple of us called, but she didn't pick up, and she sent a text saying she was running late and she would meet us at the restaurant."
"She ended up coming close to 6."
"I talked to her later about being so late and managing her time better, Hayley made an excuse, but I replied this was supposed to be a girls' trip, not so she can go run off to do her own thing without thinking of anyone else."
"She got pretty upset, and we flew back the next day, but she kept quiet, and my sister said she saw her crying."
"I did text her later, but she left it on seen."
"My sister thinks I shouldn't have said that to her, but a couple of the other girls agree Hayley shouldn't have been late."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP received little to no support from the Reddit community, who unanimously agreed that the OP was indeed the a**hole for the way she treated her cousin.
Everyone agreed that the OP was beyond insensitive to her cousin, particularly since she as didn't miss the dinner entirely, but was merely late.
"YTA you do not put a timer on something like visiting your deceased husband's grave."
"WTF?"- glom4ever
"YTA."
"You owe her an apology."
"You're a HUGE AH."
"It was her dead HUSBAND'S grave?!."
"Wow."- jrm1102
"Her 'own thing' was visiting a cemetery to pay her respects."
"And you had to make about yourself and having everything go your way?"
"WTF is wrong with you?"
"YTA."
"I question if you are mature enough to get married since you thought that one more dinner with you was more important than visiting her HUSBAND'S GRAVE."
"You are incredibly selfish to lecture someone who was visiting their deceased spouse because they were late."
"You had an entire trip focused on you, and you couldn't have the grace to respect what she might be feeling and going through."
"YTA even more now!"- Diligent-Activity-70
"YTA."
"She paid for her flight and hotel."
"She has the right to do what she wants."
"I'd be more with you if she blew off most of the activities, but she was late to one dinner to visit a grave."
"You should've let that go."
"I would never talk to you again if you did this to me."- helenasue
"So, you scolded your cousin (who you apparently liked enough to make your bridesmaid) because she was late to the last thing on the last day of your trip?"
"YTA."
"Look, I might have felt differently if she'd run off on the first day and you were legitimately worried that she'd used you to pay for a free trip."
"But first off, this wasn't until the end of the trip, which means she'd been participating in all the other activities."
"And secondly, she paid for her own trip!"
"If she wanted to opt out of an activity or two, she's an adult, and she's allowed to do it."
"Furthermore, it's particularly heartless of you to be this bent out of shape over a trip to a cemetery."
"That is an emotional thing for her to do and instead of being supportive, you only cared about your image of the trip."
"Honestly, if I were in her shoes, I'd be having serious second thoughts about whether I was willing to still be your bridesmaid."
"Unless she actively asked you not to go, you should have gone with her."
"Seriously, someone you care enough about that you want them to stand up with you on your wedding day is visiting their dead husband while trying to celebrate your happiness?"
"And you can't briefly delay dinner to provide emotional support?"
"Forget having her be a bridesmaid."
"If I were in her shoes, I would definitely opt out."
"The thing you should be worried about now is what your fiancé thinks about your selfishness."
"Because if I were in his shoes, I'd be having serious second thoughts about whether I wanted to marry someone who thinks dinner trumps a widow visiting her later husband's grave."- DinaFelice
"I'm a widow."
"You are resoundingly TAH."
"Like on another level, queen of all AHs."
"I've never seen an AITA on here that resulted in more of a YTA response from me."
"You take the cake."
"Your cousin, a young widow by the sounds of it, loves you enough to go on this stupid bachelorette trip."
"Hi, entitled much to expect an entire trip!"
"Despite how triggering this would be for her."
"She asks for what?"
"A few hours to go see HER DEAD HUSBAND's GRAVE, and you, entitled bride AH, are upset?"
"I don't think I'm off-base to guess you weren't that supportive after her husband died."
"Did you even ask how she was doing on this trip?"
"Holy hell, YTA. YTA. YTA."
"I hope your cousin goes no contact with you and doesn't come to your wedding."
"I hope you never know her pain."
"Being widowed is horrific."
"Grow up and get your head out of your self-centered rear end."
"Also, your friends who agreed with you are AHs, and your sister is right."
"I'll never understand why women think anyone else cares about their wedding."- Majestic-Web-3570
"YTA."
"Hayley mentioned that day she wanted to go visit a cemetery to pay her respects."
"She let you know beforehand she was going somewhere, a cemetery no less."
"So not for some random activity."
"A couple of us called, but she didn't pick up, and she sent a text saying she was running late and she would meet us at the restaurant."
"She ended up coming close to 6."
"She texted saying she'll be late."
"You and your other friends weren't late to the restaurant yourself."
"I would've understood if you all waited for her, but she came by herself."
"Yes she was late, but if one person out of 8 coming late puts this much of a problem on your dinner celebration, it wasn't much of a celebration, to begin with."
"Her husband, he was originally from NY and is buried here so she said she wanted to go 'visit' him since she'll be in the city.'
''She went to the cemetery to visit her dead husband."
"Either all this wedding planning is getting to your head, or you're genuinely heartless, which one?"
"OP, maybe you haven't lost someone close to you, but cemetery visits can be extremely, extremely emotional and draining."
"Even knowing she went to the cemetery to pay her respects to someone makes this a YTA situation for me, but her husband?"
"Of course, she would take this opportunity when she's in the same state to go to her husband's grave."
"You mentioned a friend saw her crying, did you ask her once how she was doing after visiting the grave?"
"How she was feeling?"
"Once?"
"Your wedding is important, yes, but her dead husband is a lot more important to her than anything else, I assure you."- Pale-Mammoth-9340
Perhaps what's most shocking about the OP's behavior is that she didn't stop to consider how her cousin might miss her husband all the more while celebrating someone's impending nuptials.
Although, being angry with someone because of their grief is rather questionable to begin with, regardless of the circumstance.
If the OP doesn't find herself one bridesmaid less than planned at her upcoming wedding, she should consider herself very lucky indeed.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.