Ahh, strange family traditions. Strange Christmas morning occurrences, eclectic potlucks and BBQs, funny nicknames, inviting long-term exes to the wedding...
Wait, no, that last one sounds more like an attempt to get two people back together than a family tradition, side-eyed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SuperbTarget9054 was suspicious of her future husband's family's intentions when they invited his long-term ex-girlfriend to their wedding, and she was even more put off by the fact that her partner defended the idea and called it a "family tradition."
When they couldn't come to an agreement about inviting his ex, the Original Poster (OP) questioned if she could be married to someone who refused to listen to her concerns.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for canceling my wedding after finding out my fiancé's ex-girlfriend was invited by his family?"
The OP was looking forward to her wedding until her in-laws invited someone... special.
"I (27 Female) and my fiancé, Alex (30 Male), have been engaged for a year and were planning our wedding for the end of the summer."
"Everything was going smoothly until a couple of weeks ago when Alex's family dropped a bombshell."
"Alex's family is very close-knit and has always been involved in our wedding planning."
"Recently, I found out that they have invited Alex's ex, Sarah (29 Female) to the wedding. Alex and Sarah dated for about five years and broke up about two years ago."
"They're still on good terms, but I was not comfortable with the idea of her being at our wedding."
The OP was not comfortable with the arrangement.
"When I brought this up to Alex, he said that it was a family tradition to invite former partners if they're still friends and that it would be rude to exclude her."
"He insisted that it was no big deal and that Sarah was just a part of their extended social circle."
"I tried to explain that having Sarah at our wedding made me feel uncomfortable and undermined the significance of the event for me."
"Alex argued that I was being unreasonable and selfish for not considering his family's feelings."
"He argued that it would cause unnecessary drama if we uninvited Sarah now and that we should just focus on enjoying the day."
The OP realized that she deserved better than she was getting.
"I couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't just about inviting an ex but also about my place in Alex's life and whether I was truly a priority."
"After a lot of back-and-forth, I decided that I couldn't go through with the wedding under these circumstances."
"I tried to talk to Alex again because I wanted to give him a chance to change his mind and not throw away all of the years we had together."
"When he refused again, I canceled the venue and all the plans we had made and ended the relationship, explaining to Alex and his family that I couldn't commit to marrying someone who wasn't willing to respect my feelings about such a significant issue."
Alex and his family accused the OP of being the dramatic one.
"Now, Alex and his family are furious with me. They believe I am overreacting and that I should have been more accommodating."
"Some of my friends and family think I did the right thing, while others feel I might have acted too impulsively."
"Was I really so wrong for canceling my wedding after finding out that my fiancé's ex was going to be there?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some side-eyed the parents-in-law for inviting people to someone else's wedding.
"Why his family is sending invites? And how would have they felt if you had invited one of your exes as a 'family tradition'? I'm guessing they would have immediately told their son he could do better." - Comprehensive_Value
"Irrespective of how they may have felt or their intentions, sending out invites to someone else's wedding is crackers, especially to potentially controversial guests like exes. With how sneaky and insistent the family were, as well, I feel like this was done to sabotage or at least humble OP."
"I don't wanna sound like my tin foil hat is getting steam cleaned but this 'family tradition' seems like an excuse to intimidate and almost test the new bride and groom. I'd be interested to know if this tradition is new and how fairly it is applied and if new spouses who the family gets on with are also encouraged to bring exes or share their day with their partner's exes."
"Also, I find it crazy that the husband allowed the wedding to be canceled instead of uninviting an ex-girlfriend that he's apparently only on friendly, wider social circle terms. I feel like either something fishy is going on or his family just loves her and he's a massive doormat."
"At least OP found out that her potential husband would have never sided with her or defended her to his family BEFORE marrying into this nonsense. Imagine buying property, moving house, or having kids with a man who's going to let his family steamroll your every decision, it's a no from me." - the-juicy-dangler
"NTA. If this was such a prized tradition, why didn't they tell OP from the start?"
"Nah, that family was defo (definitely) trying to make something happen." - Nervous-Tea-7074
"The ex-girlfriend is probably currently without a partner, and this is why they want her there."
"OP, you're probably going to find out that mommy and daddy prefer the ex over you, and they were hoping to cause drama enough to break you two up. So far, so good."
"But that's your ex-fiance's fault, because had he taken your side as opposed to his parents' and ex-girlfriend's, things might be different." - sammac66
"All the talk about her being inconsiderate of other people's feelings is incredibly rich. We haven't considered your feelings at all. But by asking us to consider your feelings, you aren't being very considerate of our feelings. Jesus. Those people sound like a nightmare."
"Honestly, just the very fact that his family is inviting people makes me want to gag. This is your wedding, not their matchmaker event." - HODOR00
Others were more concerned by how the OP's feelings were dismissed by the entire family.
"NTA. This wasn't just about an ex being invited; it was about how your feelings and boundaries were disrespected."
"A wedding is a union of two people, not an obligation to adhere to family traditions that make the bride uncomfortable. If this issue couldn't be resolved amicably, it's better to rethink the relationship altogether." - SultrySunset
"The wedding is literally the first decision you two will make as a married couple and he's already choosing his family over you. Not a good sign." - Has422
"A family tradition going all the way back to right now."
"Bro was literally going to start a new family with OP, but I guess inviting Sarah had to be the big fat priority over, say, which flowers or the flavor of cake."
"He's going to go through a few fiancées before he works out that his family tradition miiiiight be a problem. At least until he learns to stand up for his partner instead of his family and ex." - Floomby
"Considering OP canceled the wedding over this, I feel it's safe to assume Sarah actually planned on attending. That is also very weird. Who wants to go to their ex's wedding?"
"I get that they're still friends/friendly, but you'd think Sarah would have enough awareness to understand that her presence makes the bride uncomfortable. I don't want to jump on the she's-still-in-love-with-him train with this little info, but her actions are suspicious. If she actually cared about the OP's fiance's happiness and had ANY respect for the OP AT ALL, she wouldn't be causing problems like this."
"NTA, OP. Most people would find this situation alarming and uncomfortable." - Bice_thePrecious
"No, he didn't choose his family over her. He used his family as an excuse to choose his ex over her, which makes it 1000x worse. She definitely needs to walk away from him and his family for good."
"Otherwise, she'll go to her in-laws' house, and the ex-girlfriend will be there. For every family get-together, BBQ, and holiday. Because, you know, she was at the wedding, so she's family now."
"I unfortunately don't have to imagine this; I can just remember it. I've been there, done that, and divorced the man. She moved back to town after a bad breakup and was 'lonely' according to his mom, so guess who got invited to the wedding, the reception, and every family event, despite my saying no?"
"It won't get better, OP. I'm glad you walked away when you did. At least you don't have to go through the divorce process." - differentkindofmom
"Stay and this will turn into, 'Can you just apologize to keep the peace,' at every issue his family had with OP. It's a 'suck it up and be nice, no matter how much they wrong you' future for the OP."
"Let's start holding people accountable for s**tty behavior and stop expecting those wronged to just let it go. If he doesn't choose you now, be prepared he never will. NTA, OP." - trvllvr
"Choosing his family AND his long-term ex over the OP, and then trying to claim it is 'tradition,' is just the biggest slap in the face. Unless he thinks that his ex satisfies the 'something blue' part of his wedding day (eye roll)."
"Maya Angelou said it best, 'Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.'"
"You did the right thing, OP. It's much better to know where you stand with the person you're supposed to marry, and their family, BEFORE the wedding."
"Any man who is willing to place his EX-GIRLFRIEND and HER comfort over YOU and YOUR comfort, on YOUR WEDDING DAY, isn't the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. That will just be setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache alone on the backburner."
"You've got great instincts, keep trusting in them, and they won't steer you wrong. The person that you choose to spend the rest of your life with should always be willing to take your feelings into consideration and treat you with respect, no matter what." - PurpleGimp
After reading the comments, the OP was grateful for the reassurance.
"Wow... I was really rethinking my decision to cancel the wedding, but these comments have made me feel justified in what I did. Thank you; you have no idea how much this means to me."
"I feel like I have a new perspective on what I want, and I will make sure to look for signs early on in future relationships instead of finding out too late."
The subReddit applauded the OP for advocating for herself and her feelings when it was clear that her family-in-law and, most importantly, her former future husband were unwilling to do so.
There was clearly something afoot with inviting the ex-girlfriend, and even if the family wasn't trying to get their son back together with it, it spoke volumes that they were unwilling to listen to the OP's concerns. That's hardly the kind of family that you want to be tied to, especially by choice.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.