Wedding receptions are a time for celebration! But not everyone's celebration styles are the same.
Redditor Real-Leather-1989 recently got married and his wife's behavior at their reception drew some negative attention from his family.
So much so that the original poster (OP) took to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for feedback.
He asked,
"AITA for not telling my wife to tone down her dancing at our wedding?"
He went on to tell his story.
"Throwaway because my wife has Reddit."
"My wife [29-year-old Female] and I [29-year-old Male] got married last weekend."
"We've been together since first year of uni and got married on the 10 year anniversary of the day I asked her to be my girlfriend."
"We've grown up together, got through thick and thin and I know there is no one else I want to spend my life with."
"For context, my wife is half Spanish and we incorporated a lot of Spanish traditions into our wedding. It also meant that, with all her family there, the reception turned into quite the party."
"I was pretty tired after dancing for a while so I went to sit and talk with my family whilst my wife kept dancing with her cousins and friends."
"After a bit of chatting, my mum and aunt essentially told me that they weren't too pleased with my wife's dancing to songs like "Low" and "SexyBack," saying that her slut drops and "wiggling her bottom like that" weren't appropriate on her wedding day and were disrespectful to me."
"To be honest, I didn't see anything wrong with the way she was dancing - it was nothing more than I think any person would dance to songs like that in the club when they were having fun and had a couple drinks - and I told them as such."
"They said I should tell her to tone it down, but she was having fun with her friends and I didn't see anything gratuitous about it, nor was she super drunk, so I told her it wasn't my place."
"We ended up wrapping up the party soon afterwards anyway."
"The morning after, we had breakfast with my family and my aunt mentioned to my wife that she was pleased that I eventually got her to 'tone down the fiesta.'" "
My wife asked what she meant by that and my mum told her about the conversation from last night (my wife has told me about this, I was talking to my dad and uncle at the time and didn't hear)."
"My wife apologised but was then very quiet for the rest of the day, and when we left the hotel she was very upset with me, saying I should have told her that she had offended my family and that she was humiliated that I hadn't told her anything about it on the night, like my aunt had assumed."
"I was sorry that she was humiliated but I was not sorry that I hadn't told her to tone it down, because in my opinion she didn't do anything wrong."
"She still thinks I should have just told her because now she won't have a good relationship with her in-laws (she doesn't have a good one with her parents)."
"I'm mad at my mum and aunt and want them to apologise to us, but she refuses to bring it up with them and wants to apologise again to them when they come over this weekend."
"I want to stand up for her because I think they're being incredibly rude, but she doesn't want that, she just wants to mend bridges."
"She's still upset with me because I don't see it her way and because I'm not sorry that I didn't tell her."
"So AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"You and your wife are NTA"
"Your family is so controlling and rude that when going to you didn't work, they told her to her face that she danced provocatively and pretended you did what they told you."
"This needs to stop immediately. You need to stand up for her and give them serious consequences. Otherwise, they will continue this throughout your relationship." - lellyla
"Yeah, your wife was not disrespectful to you. Your family was disrespectful to your wife."
"They put you in a really sh*tty position--I can see why your wife might wish you'd told her and now she's upset, but if you had told her she likely would have been upset then and I can understand why you wanted to keep that bs away from her and make sure she had fun at her wedding."
"It was sh*tty of them to say to you, and even more sh*tty of them to say to her."
"I understand that your wife is nervous about having a good relationship with your family, but honestly if they're being this dickish to her at the wedding it doesn't seem enormously likely the relationship will be very good anyway."
"That sucks, but it's their fault not hers."
"At the end of the day the relationship that matters most is the one between the two of you."
"I think you made the right call personally, but you shouldn't invalidate her feelings now. In my opinion you should say something along the lines of this:"
"'I think my family was totally wrong to judge you for dancing with your friends and having fun on our wedding day, and I only didn't tell you about it because I didn't agree with their opinion so I didn't think it mattered.'"
"'I understand you are worried about your relationship with them and so if you want me to tell you things like that in the future then I will.'"
"'But in my opinion they are the ones who should be worried about maintaining a good relationship with you, as you are the most important person in my life and your happiness is my top priority.'" - EchoPhoenix24
"NTA your Mom and Aunt are sexist and rude asf" - Momof5munsters
"NTA, your family are the ones in the wrong here (also micro aggressions are awful)."
"I understand your wife's concern, but there's no way you could have known how'd she feel about the situation."
"You can't read minds. Your instinct was to respects your wife's actions and desire to have fun at HER OWN wedding."
"She shouldn't have to compromise her personality to appease some prudes who probably can't even dance. I wish you and your wife peace." - ninjaturtlebomb
"NTA"
"I kinda see where your wife is coming from though, she's embarrassed and thinks that's your fault."
"She's missing 2 very important points"
"1. They had no right to say what they said."
"2. You were awesome for having her back."
"Apologising again will only make it a bigger issue than it actually is. Just forget it. They will" - stasy012
"Nta, finally a husband sticking out to his wife!"
"Not only your mom and aunt are mal intended and judgemental and hurtful, they wanted to create a rift between you and your wife despite you telling her what she is doing is bad or not."
"Not nice to have this type of dicussion taint your wedding day but some people can't help it 🙄" - mary21o
"NTA, but you will have to regularly remind your wife that you love her for who she is and that's why you married her, and your aunt is being kinda classist/elitist and a little racist (e.g. "tone down the fiesta")."
"Not gonna lie, that line had my blood boiling for a hot second." - kipsterdude
"NTA, you did right by your wife. Ask her how she's going to feel if they say things like that about your future daughters?" - tessherelurkingnow
"NTA"
"I would have had a hard time not telling someone to go f*ck themselves after "tone down the fiesta." The utter caucasity of it." - zoopest
"I'm Hispanic and I'm used to a lot of dancing at parties and weddings. I felt really offended when reading your aunt said 'tone down the fiesta'"
"I could see her saying other stupid sh*t down the road, I think she needs to apologize and realize her statements like that make her appear racist, there's no way your wife should feel the need to apologize for absolutely loving life and celebrating her marriage to you." - absolutgoddess
"Your wife is trying to fit in and didn't want there to be trouble. However, the comment by your aunt about the "fiesta" is a clear indicator that your wife's race played a part in their judgement."
"Honestly, I think YTA for not saying something about that. Your wife has nothing to be ashamed about."
"You, however, should be a better husband when it comes to the judgement of potentially racist relatives."
"She shouldn't have to endure that to be married to you and it would eventually kill that union." - stove1336
"NTA."
"Your wife's instinct to mend bridges and have a good relationship with your family is both sweet and commendable. But I think you should stand your ground."
"'[Wife], a good relationship with my family will NOT be based on you making yourself smaller, or ashamed, or controlled.'"
"'If they wanted a good relationship, they would have let you do whatever you wanted on your wedding day.'" "
'THEY are the ones who overstepped boundaries. I refuse to set you up for decades of being scolded and bullied by my family.'"
"'You are doing nothing wrong, you have not created a problem. They did.'"
"'It's important TO ME that my family understand I love you, I choose you, I uplift you and I am delighted with you EXACTLY as you are.'"
"'If you would like, I will tell them that you apologize. But I am also going to tell them I am f*cking furious, because I get to have my own feelings about my family too.'"
"'We are a unit. I am on your side forever. And the fact they tried to hurt you on your wedding night was their choice and has permanently impacted my relationship with them, forever.'" - Lily_May
Hopefully these newlyweds can find their happily ever after, however family figures into that.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.