While one does want to plan around having a child, being in a good financial place and with a proper home to raise them in, there is one all too important matter you can seldom plan around.
When to conceive.
While some parents become pregnant almost effortlessly, others are not so lucky, requiring extra help and multiple tries.
More often than not, they find themselves getting the good news when they least expect it.
Such was the case for Redditor ColdAlfalfa1554, who after a long, often hard journey was finally pregnant with her first child.
Complicating the timing was that the original poster (OP) became pregnant just ahead of the best friend's wedding, for which she was to be maid of honor.
While the OP didn't think this would be an issue, her best friend thought otherwise, and began making several changes to her plans regarding the OP.
This led the OP to consider a somewhat drastic decision, eventually leading her to the subReddit "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTA for not attending my best friend's wedding after she told me she doesn't want me to be in any photos but still wants me to be MOH?"
The OP explained how her recent good news was not good news at all to her best friends, amidst fears it would interfere with her wedding.
"My (27 F[emale]) best friend (27 F) is getting married in February."
"She has been planning her wedding for 2 years and I have been actively helping her the entire time as her maid of honor."
"I am extremely excited for her to get married, but she is slightly controlling."
"She's the kind of girl that has to have everything perfect or it's completely ruined."
"But her wedding, her rules."
"Well, I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of October and am due toward the end of June."
"This is my first baby and I have struggled heavily with fertility issues so this is a literal miracle baby."
"My husband and I had literally just given up hope in trying for a little while this past summer."
"I will be in my second trimester during the time of her wedding."
"Well, I told my best friend last week and she seemed, upset."
"She wasn't too happy that I was pregnant and her first question is if I would fit in my bridesmaid dress."
"The dress is extremely flowy and I told her that I should be just fine, and if not I'll cover the cost of any alternations/buying another dress."
"I bought my dress in the first place anyways."
"Like literally her first question, not even congratulations."
"I tried to shrug it off and just assumed she was stressed."
"Her bachelorette party is next month, I've been exclusively planning it, so I just reached out with the final details to her to confirm everything."
"During the phone call she tried to make me feel bad that I wouldn't be drinking with the rest of them and that it wouldn't be the 'bach party of her dreams' and I told her it would still be fun."
"That upset me even more, but I just tried to shrug it off once again."
"Today she called and told me she had a 'hard decision' to make but she's been thinking about it and while she would like to keep me MOH she doesn't want me in her pictures."
"She said that my bump would be too distracting, she didn't want her pictures to turn into a 'maternity photoshoot' and that she just didn't feel comfortable with it."
"However, she still wanted me to pay for the bachelorette party, help her plan the wedding, and wanted me to do almost everything MOH except be in pictures and she was debating if she still wanted me to give a speech."
"She then sent me a bunch of bag-like dresses to choose from as my new dress since I won't need my MOH dress."
"We have been best friends since we were 10."
"I would have never in my wildest dreams expected her to act this way."
"WIBTA for dropping out of her wedding?"
"I really don't feel like paying for, and being supportive of, a person who treats me like a disposable mooch after years of fertility issues."
"But I also feel like I may be overreacting as some of my friends said that I would look odd in the pictures."
"Thoughts?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP definitely would not be the a**hole if she opted out of her best friend's wedding.
Everyone agreed that the behavior of the OP's best friend was not that of a friend at all, and that she was greatly taking advantage of the OP, with many questioning if it was healthy for the OP to keep her in her life.
"NTA."
"Tell her you have made the 'hard decision' to ignore her wedding."-Â ServelanDarrow
"Hard decision for her but SO DANG EASY for you, right?"
'A wedding is a blip."
"Being a Mom is for the rest of your life."
'Congratulations, OP!"
'So happy for you and your husband!"
"NTA."-Â Runns_withScissors
"NTA."
"Imagine thinking that the presence of a pregnant woman in a photo is 'turning it into a maternity photo shoot."
"She seems surprised that pregnant women exist outside of designated maternity related activities."-Extension_Ad_972
"NTA."
"Photos are a way to preserve an event and revisit the day."
"She doesn't seem.to concerned about you not being in the pictures/memories."
"Read your post to yourself, but change references to you to someone else's name."
"What would you tell that person?"-Â crazyeagles62
"NTA."
"Not only would I drop out of the wedding but I'd drop out of this farce of a friendship."
"No friend worth having would have responded to your happy news with anything less than genuine excitement for you."-Â NUT-me-SHELL
The OP later returned with an update regarding her decision, as well as where her friendship with the bride currently stands.
"I want to first say a big thank you to all the wonderful comments of congratulations and support."
"I often try to be very level-headed about things, sometimes to the detriment of myself, and also still wanted to be a part of the day since she is my best friend and we have grown together for so long."
"I am someone who really values integrity and I felt like if I dropped out, I would be betraying a core value of mine."
"And many many many people reached out to me for an update, so here it is."
"I sat down with her and had a very long and blunt talk."
"I even brought out the post to show her that I am not crazy about some of the points I made."
"I told her about how deeply my feelings were hurt by her words and actions."
"I told her I couldn't understand why I couldn't be a full MOH and be included in pictures."
"If I were to be fully honest, she almost convinced me that the whole idea of just keeping me as MOH but with no pictures was for my benefit."
"She told me it was to take the 'stress' off of me for the day and to make sure I didn't feel uncomfortable with my 'new weight' but I knew it wasn't true."
"I knew she just didn't want me to be in her wedding party with a baby bump but wanted my money and planning expertise."
"I've withheld this information but I am a wedding planner with many connections, however, I wouldn't cut any of them off due to a falling out."
"I am not planning her wedding as I felt it would be too much for me because I would want it to be to a level of perfection I couldn't achieve, but I did hook her up with another planner friend who is incredible but she has utilized me for free a lot."
"I think I realized all too clearly in almost an instant that the second she got engaged that our friendship became a business-partnership to her, whereas it never changed for me."
"For the past two years, what I thought were friendship-bonding experiences for me I realized were merely free expenses for her."
"In the end, I decided to step out of the wedding as MOH."
"I will be sending all the information I have to our joint friend who is in the wedding party and will still be paying for that friend's portion of the bach party instead of the whole thing, as I know it will put that friend out of money which I feel awful about."
"I have been uninvited to the wedding as a whole, which was not unexpected."
"My friend was very angry and upset with the conversation and said some deeply hurtful things that will take me a long time to recover from."
"To say I am devastated is an understatement, as I expected this woman to be the godmother of my child."
"But I feel extremely relieved to have discovered this before the birth of my child."
"Now my baby's life will be filled with people who love them unconditionally."
"and the same goes for me."
"Once again, thank you all."
"I appreciate your assurances and help more than you will ever know!"
It's understandable that the OP's best friend would want to be the center of attention on her wedding day.
However, it is still possible to be happy for someone else, even on one's special day.
It's equally difficult to understand that the OP would ever hope to "distract" from her, after all the time and effort she put towards her wedding.
One can only imagine the OP's friend will realize what a good friend she is, when she is noticeably missing on her wedding day.
Or when she finds herself without an invitation to the OP's child's christening.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.