Wedding planning can stress out even the calmest of people.
The day is meant to be perfect, but there is so much that can go wrong.
And there is much to do and plan before the day even arrives.
That's why brides depend on their loved ones and their wedding party to pitch in and assist.
But even that invites drama of its own.
Case in point...
Redditor Firm_Tomatillo_6320 to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for canceling my best friend's bachelorette party after she 'fired' me as a bridesmaid?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am a full-time student so I am currently living off student loans and what little hours I can work outside of school."
"I have spent around $1K on my best friend's wedding so far."
"$350 on the bridesmaid's dress, $350 on the flight home to attend the wedding as I'm away for school, and about $100 on the gift I sent for her bridal shower."
"The M[aid] O[f] H[onoe] is currently very pregnant and is having a rough time."
"She asked me to plan the bachelorette party. I agreed."
"I planned it perfectly and had it as a surprise."
"I messaged the other girls the plan."
"When they all agreed, I went ahead and booked my idea."
"I spent this on top of the $1K I spent earlier."
"$400 on a limo to go bar hopping (the bride loves bar hopping), and I booked us a $700 AirBnB to crash in afterward."
"As of right now the other bridesmaids did not chip in, this was out of pocket, but they said they would pay me back later."
"About a month later, [me] and two other girls got kicked from the bridal party group chat along with a paragraph from the bride saying we were no longer invited because we weren't 'honoring her wishes.'"
"When asked, she didn't answer what she meant or what we had done wrong."
"Two days pass and she adds us back to the chat and apologizes saying she's just stressed, we all talk about it and make up."
"Yesterday, the same thing happened, except this time I'm the only one removed with a paragraph going off on me, telling me I'm not respecting her or her wishes, that she wishes she never invited me or asked me to be a bridesmaid."
"When asked what happened or what I did wrong, again radio silence."
"Today, she messages me apologizing saying she's sorry for lashing out and that she'd like me there but not as a bridesmaid as it would make her 'uncomfortable.'"
"And that I'm not allowed to wear the dress I had already bought as it's a bridesmaid's dress."
"I told her I respectfully declined as I couldn't afford another dress as I've already spent too much on this wedding and that I didn't want to make her uncomfortable on her big day."
"She then lashes out, telling me I should just take more from my student loans to buy a second dress."
"So with that, I went and canceled the Airbnb and the Limo."
"I told the other bridesmaids what had happened, and they agreed it was fair."
"One of them must have told the bride about the secret bachelorette party."
"She messaged me telling me I'm an a**hole and I've ruined her entire wedding as she now doesn't have time to book a new bachelorette party in time."
"And that she nor any of the other bridesmaids have the money or savings to book anything."
"I also managed to get the refund for my flight, so really, I'm only out about $450 for a wedding I'm no longer invited to."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for canceling the party and getting the money back?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. If your money is good enough but then suddenly you aren't; you dodged a bullet."
"Enjoy whatever new friends you go on a vacation with instead of spending ridiculous cash on this wedding from hell." ~ Nickilaughs
"Okay. Is she threatened by you?"
"Does she perceive you to be more conventionally attractive?"
"Could that be a factor with the other friend, too?"
"Sounds like she's got herself in a twist about the photos and not being the Fairest of Them All."
"Whatever the reason, she's treated you abominably."
"I can't believe how much money is being thrown around here - I would be well pissed off about $450."
"NTA. She played herself. These were her choices." ~ ShutUpMorrisseyffs
"A BIG NTA."
"You were literally spending thousands of dollars for someone else's wedding then on top of that wanted to fork out more money off of you even though it'll put you in debt."
"Good thing she showed herself early before you spent more for her than what she deserved and just got a (hopefully) cute dress out of it." ~ xxyoshino
"Something is missing here that kept you hanging in there in the first place."
"Has anyone ever told you what she meant by 'respecting her wishes' or her being 'uncomfortable?'"
"When you 'all talked about it' the first time did anything make sense?"
"Nevertheless NTA."
"Why is she comfortable spending your money on her party?"
"Why are the others still comfortable being in her party?" ~ Tiny_Shelter440
OP responded...
"Ah yes, I did not include this part, sorry! My bad."
"So the first time she messaged us, she didn't tell us nor explain what we were doing wrong."
"When we first all discussed it, she said she just had a moment of panic and stress took over, and she said things she didn't mean."
"The most recent time she had told me she'd be uncomfortable due to the fact we had a 'fight' (the fight was her just removing me from the group chat and then cussing me out) she never told me what I wasn't respecting her wishes on unfortunately."
"But I will say she DID know she had a Bachelorette party, but the surprise was what it was going to be."
"I have spoken to MOH since this post and she has said that the bride told her she just didn't know how she felt about a 'skinny' girl next to her at the altar."
Reddit continued...
"Hey OP, I suggest adding that last little bit about you talking to the MoH and her telling you the reasoning as an Update!"
"Also, you are NAH in this situation."
"She kicked you out, and you aren't going to pay for her party anymore because bachelorettes are the responsibility of the bridesmaids, which you are no longer."
"Be happy you washed your hands off her now because I can't imagine it would have been a very fun wedding as a bridesmaid if this was her BEFORE the actual wedding!" ~ ninjakat26
"Just reading the post and NTA in the slightest."
"Reading your additional information re the bride's reason for going ape."
"YOU ARE REAAAALLLY NTA in the slightest."
"Bride sounds like she's just not an overall nice person."
"Worth having a reflect and thinking back to whether she has done something along these lines to other people or maybe similar, just not as extreme to yourself because you probably will find she has and might be worth considering putting the Nikes on and running from that friendship as fast as you can."
"Personally, based on her comments/reasons, I'd just sack off attending."
"Yeah, it's a bit of a loss on the dress cost, but you could take the time to get it amended and done up into something that's useable for nice formal events."
"Basically, make it a little less bridesmaid if needed. If not, bonus dress is ready for a nice formal event."
"And keep the flight and make a visit home to see your family etc." ~ Psych0panda2k13
"NTA. What I find funny, though, is that you planned and arranged the bachelorette party (which is basically only for the bride and her bridesmaids from what I know, I don't know much, so forgive me if I'm wrong on this."
"And then when she removed you as a bridesmaid, you canceled it (which you have every right to), and when she found out she went off at you and called you an a-hole for not deciding to continue to fund her party which might I add you wouldn't even go to or participate in."
"I'm sorry that this happened. She seems like an entitled snob, and it sounds like you dodged a bullet there." ~ Prior_Blood_6293
"NTA- OP as others posted I think you got lucky here."
"I doubt the others would have paid you back, and the chances are that the Bachelorette party was going to be a problem for many."
"Somehow, I'm thinking if this Bachelorette party had actually happened, the bride may have ended up cheating on her fiancé during the bar hopping."
"She seems to be very self-centered, and I can just see a post where 'it's my last party as single so I'm going to do what makes me feel better and find some guy for a last fling.'" ~ floridaeng
"NTA. I'm surprised your other friends didn't seem able to fill you in as to what made the bride change her mind about you, seeing as how you seem to have no clue (even though you asked)."
"Very weird; let us know if you find out the back story."
"I think anyone who tells you to take your student loan money and spend it on her wedding is super self-centered and not a friend."
"Moreover, she sounds ignorant about how borrowing money and paying bills and stuff like that works."
"Move on to better friends."
"Also, learn to live within your means."
"Right now, you are in school and budgeting."
"So in these situations, be honest and just say you'd love to chip in the extra for (trip/AirBnB/fabulous wedding gift/whatever), but 'X' amount is beyond your budget right now."
"Nothing to be ashamed about."
"Real friends will understand and do their best to accommodate you." ~ Robbes_Watch
"Send her the dress as a wedding gift."
"Tell her you hope the dress lasts longer than her marriage." ~ rocketmn69_
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
It sounds like you made the best choice for yourself.
Stress or no stress, people don't get to treat others that way without consequences.
Hopefully, for her own sake, the bride will calm down so she doesn't alienate anyone else.
You stay focused on you.
Good luck.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.