Even if a wedding is meant to celebrate two people committing their love for one another, it is generally agreed that the bride should be the center of attention on the big day.
As a result, guests, members of the wedding party, and even the groom tend to ensure they won't wear anything that might take any attention away from the bride.
Another reason the bride usually decides exactly what her bridesmaids will be wearing.
Redditor AITAbestiewedding couldn't wait to be maid of honor for her best friend and even had a hand in choosing what she and her fellow bridesmaids would be wearing.
The original poster (OP) did, however, have one request when it came to her appearance at the wedding, which the bride was happy to oblige.
Less pleased with this request, however, was the groom, who wasn't afraid to share his displeasure with the OP.
Putting his fairly fresh marriage in jeopardy as a result.
Worried she was responsible for causing trouble, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not wearing makeup to my best friend's wedding?"
The OP explained how her decision not to wear makeup at her best friend's wedding proved to have surprisingly severe consequences.
"My phone has been blowing up since this happened, so I'm sorry if this seems a little disjointed!"
"I'm super frazzled right now, but I really need a wider opinion since nobody involved can agree on who messed up."
"I (27 F[emale]) was picked to be the maid of honor at my best friend Jo's (28 F) wedding, which happened last week."
"I was so excited!"
"We've been friends since we were kids and had already agreed to be each other's maid of honor way back then, but that didn't make it any less exciting."
"I helped Jo pick out my dress, my shoes, etc., everything except for my makeup."
"I don't agree with wearing makeup because I think the beauty industry is misogynistic and because it makes my face break out."
"I don't shame anyone else for wearing it, but I just don't wear it myself."
"Jo knows this and told me that it was totally ok to go makeup-free, which I was super grateful for."
"I had thought that because Jo was ok with no makeup, it wouldn't be a big deal."
"Most of the other bridesmaids as well as Jo ended up going very heavy on the makeup, so I kind of stood out."
"I'm not self-conscious even though I don't wear it, and the other bridesmaids didn't mind that I wasn't wearing it, so I didn't really mind."
"The wedding was very beautiful and went perfectly until about halfway through the reception."
"Jo's groom Henry (35 M[ale]) pulled me to the side and told me how inappropriate it was for me not to be wearing makeup."
"He said that I was upstaging the bride at her wedding and that a woman shouldn't be going to a public event without makeup anyway."
"I felt so terrible."
"I really hadn't intended to take any attention away from Jo."
"I waited until after the wedding to text Jo and say that I was sorry for not wearing the makeup and that I had heard her message loud and clear."
"She was super confused and said that she really hadn't had a problem with it."
"We talked on the phone, and I told her what Henry had said to me."
"She was furious and said that she hadn't put him up to that and that she had been very clear that she was fine with my choices."
"She and Henry got into a huge fight, and she's been staying at my apartment for the past few days while she tries to figure out what to do."
"Henry and his friends have been texting me nonstop about how I ruined his wedding and his marriage, and even some of my and Jo's friends are saying that I should have just worn the makeup and that a wedding wasn't the right place to make a political statement."
"Jo is insisting that I wasn't in the wrong at all, and the bridesmaids plus Jo's mom are on our side."
"Everyone in my life that knows about this has some kind of bias, so I want to know whether I was actually in the wrong."
"I really hadn't intended to make a political statement or anything at the wedding, and I would have worn the makeup if Jo had asked me to."
"I feel terrible for hurting Jo's marriage and tainting her memory of her wedding, even if she still doesn't think I did anything wrong."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for not wearing makeup at her best friend's wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP had done absolutely wrong and that the only person Henry had to blame for his marriage apparently falling apart was himself.
"NTA."
"The bride was fine with you not wearing makeup."
"That is the only person whose opinion matters."
"Everyone else can go pound sand."- mudbunny
"NTA."
"And it's a shame Jo didn't see this side of Henry until AFTER the papers were signed."-consectariana
"NTA."
"He ruined his own wedding by being a sexist that thought it was appropriate to reprimand a woman for not conforming to beauty standards."
"Jo didn't care, and that's all that mattered."
"He can take several seats."- CrystalQueen3000
"NTA."
"You are never obligated to wear make-up."
"This is very sexist."
"No way you're the AH."- realstareyes
"NTA."
"Makeup isn't the issue."
"The groom is."
"Who the hell would pull someone aside and speak like that."
"Honestly, you've got a good friend in the bride, not sure about their marriage though."- stasy012
"NTA."
"If those are his views, I reckon there would have been problems anyway."
"What an AH the groom and his friends are."- Nitro114
"Lol, upstanding by not wearing makeup?"
"That's a new one."
"Hmm, I would have had a few drinks by that time and would have told the groom to f*ck off."
"NTA."
"The bride was fine."
"He's an a**hole."
"Don't worry about it."- Slight-Bar-534
"Breakdown of causes of the problem."
"Not wearing makeup: 0%."
"Groom's reaction to not wearing makeup: 100%."
"NTA."- Sust-fin
"I don't wear makeup."
"It feels odd on my face, and I don't mind not wearing it."
"The last thing I would care about is if any of my guests wears makeup or not."
"It's super weird to know that the GROOM thought that you looked better than any other woman, including his bride, and it's more than rude to say that a woman shouldn't go out without makeup."
"He's a creepy man, and their fight has nothing to do with you but instead with his controlling, misogynistic views."
"NTA."- Dependent-Show2297
"NTA, and frankly, it's probably for the best that she found out now that Henry has a generous streak of misogynistic beliefs (vs. when they have kids and he imposes these beliefs on their sons and uses them against their daughters)."
"Henry is the only one with an issue, and needs to examine why he doesn't think women are allowed to make their own choices."- Stellaknight
"NTA."
"Your friend isn't fighting with her husband because you didn't wear makeup. She's fighting with her husband because she just found out he's a misogynistic a**hole."- coppeliuseyes
"NTA."
"The bride was okay with you not wearing any makeup, so the only person who felt upstaged was the groom."
"Maybe he should have been wearing makeup if this upsets him so."
"Him making the bride look awful by saying what he said is absolutely ridiculous."
"The fact that your friend had a fight with her husband about it and now staying at your place just shows you're not to blame for this situation, something she also keeps telling you."
"He sounds kind of controlling, but picked absolutely the wrong person to do that with."
"I really hope you'll get to feel better soon."- Dork86
"What does Henry think you did to upstage the bride?"
"This is very confusing."
"Jo was fine with you not wearing makeup."
"She told you multiple times she was fine."
"Why are you still involved?"
"This is between Henry & Jo."
"You're no longer involved."
"Why you chose not to wear makeup is not up for debate or open for discussion."
"However, if you made a point to tell everyone at the wedding why you or other women should not be wearing any makeup, that would be an issue."
"NTA."
"As a wedding planner (for 25+ years), this is a first for me."
"I have never heard of anyone 'upstaging' the bride because they chose not to wear makeup."
"I also have never heard of a groom that has ever noticed who was wearing makeup."
"This is a very strange situation."
"I suggest you stop participating in any further discussions."
"Something doesn't add up here."
"Let Jo & Henry figure out their problems."- Alarming_Reply_6286
It's hard not to be a bit perplexed that Henry felt the OP upstaged Jo by not wearing makeup.
Nor can one help but wonder if Jo had noticed Henry behave like this on prior occasions.
If Henry wants Jo even to consider moving back in, he'd better change his sexist views... and fast.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.