The saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" refers to presenting a person with something that benefits them not guaranteeing they'll utilize it.
Rehab is a means of breaking self-destruction, but is only as successful as the person in rehab is motivated to change.
Experts say alcohol rehab treatment success rates hinge on a person's commitment to recovery. While the program may allow a person to "dry out," the results won't last if the person is only stopping to get something from someone else.
Bribing a person to go or going only to get some form of reward is a pathway to failure. An addict needs to want to stop abusing alcohol for their own health and safety in order to effectively stop.
A sibling turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after their brother presented a list of financial demands in order to go to rehab.
Fireburner80 asked:
"WIBTA for not paying for things so my brother can go to rehab?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My brother (36) is a severe alcoholic. He drinks about 750 ml (25 ounces) of vodka per day and smokes heavily in addition to whatever other drugs he can get his hands on."
"He's been unemployed, living in our grandfather's basement for about 10 years, and our grandfather has been paying for his food, gas, alcohol, and cigarettes for that entire time."
"Our grandfather died a few months ago, and now I'm the one who has control of the family finances. My brother is already out of the house. He had moved in with his girlfriend shortly before our grandfather died."
"My brother said he will ONLY go to rehab if I pay for the following things:"
"1. 2 months of a storage unit to store the things in his car (he's homeless because his girlfriend who he recently moved in, broke up with him and kicked him out for reasons I won't go into here)"
"2. A month of cell phone usage."
"3. A month of car insurance"
"4. $2,000 to cover general expenses he's accrued since our grandfather's passing"
"On the one hand, some of his requests seem reasonable to keep things afloat while he goes to rehab which he desperately needs. He is on Medicaid (or whatever his state's equivalent is) and rehab is free."
"On the other hand, he's been constantly moving the goal post and adding expenses while leaving angry texts and voicemails saying things like 'I'm smarter than you' and 'I will win in the end'."
"The death happened less than 2 months ago. Inheritance usually takes 1-2 years. The estate sale won't take place for another 1.5 months."
"Also, the house needs about 150k-200k to repair damages he had done while he was living there."
"I don't want to be an enabler for bad habits, but I also really want to help my brother get clean if I can."
"WIBTA for not paying for the things he's requesting and just hope he goes to rehab anyway?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I have refused to send money, which would help my brother go to rehab. I have the capability to pay, but don't want to enable bad behavior."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA/WNBTA).
"NTA. He's a grown man who has used his grandfather for years. Time to cut the cord." ~ DescriptionFew6118
"I hate to agree, but I do."
"His making demands before he'll go to rehab is telling. It means he's not taking it seriously, he doesn't think he needs it, and he'll only agree to it to get things in return."
"If he's not going to take it seriously, it's going to be a waste of money and he'll be back on his bullsh*t as soon as he's out, if he even stays. At this point, he needs to figure his own sh*t out or be allowed to hit rock bottom and realize he has a problem." ~ Neveronlyadream
"A lot of people don't understand that you can't 'wake up' an alcoholic by simply shipping them off to therapy/rehab. They have to be the ones acknowledging the problem and wanting to work at it, otherwise it will continue to have a hold on all their decisions and interactions."
"It is really difficult for loved ones, but sometimes it's 100% necessary to refuse support of any kind, because they will take anything they can get. The support should come later on, after the addict owns their problem, apologizes, and expresses plans to change their life."
"Of course, addiction recovery isn't linear, so there might be a few cycles of this. But the important part is to set the boundary that they will not be aided in fueling their current lifestyle."
"My father had to end up in a hospital not once, not twice, but three times before he even admitted to himself that his drinking had a hold on him." ~ moth_girl_7
"Your brother doesn't want to go to rehab. I can tell by his aggressive texts."
"Don't pay for his mistakes. If he has no income he qualifies for Medicaid and he can access wide array of substance use services including rehab."
"He needs a social worker, not you. Let him drain a professional." ~ No-Housing-5124
"NTA. But he isn't going to go to rehab."
"He's finding ways of getting out of it. By making these demands, he gives you the option to refuse."
"If you refuse he can tell everyone it's your fault. Taking all the accountability away from himself."
"You owe him nothing. Do nothing." ~ Spirited-Mission-273
"My brother was just out of rehab, also had mouth surgery and was recovering from that as well."
"I went to visit him, and he asked for reasonable things, and I said I'd get them for him. Finally he asked for money to move out of the 1/2 way house he was in."
"I said I'd cover him for first and last month rent and security, just find a place and I'll send the money to the owner."
"My brother got MAD! He said he wanted $20,000 to start over, and if I wouldn't give him the full $20,000, he didn't want any of my piddly money."
"Well, he got zero. I guess his 'righteous anger' at the world for being unfair meant more to him than a sibling holding a checkbook trying to help. He was not my brother… not that sweet little boy. He was someone else, and too far gone for me to be able to help." ~ nailpolishremover49
"NTA. Even if you give him everything he asks for, he isn't going to go to rehab. The only thing you can do for him right now is continue to say no to all his requests."
"When he decides for himself that he has hit rock bottom, then he'll find and work a program on his own. And that is when you can provide support. Incidentally, support doesn't need to be financial. It can be as simple as accepting his apologies when he reaches Step 9 of the Twelve Steps."
"Alcoholism is a hard and painful path for everyone, whether it's the alcoholic or the alcoholic's family. You might benefit from Al-Anon or another family support group." ~ TararaBoomDA
"If he has conditions before going to rehab, he doesn't want it enough to stick with it. Rehab isn't a magic wand that makes a person well. Its a boost to get you on the path to sobriety. He is playing you." ~ Reddit
"Here's what's gonna happen. He doesn't really want to get better, you'll pay for all of this stuff, he'll maybe go to rehab and maybe stay for the whole program, and when he gets out, he'll go back to drinking. NTA." ~ Pantokraterix
"NTA, but I wouldn't give him a dollar. If you want to help him out, he needs to prove he's willing to go through with the rehab. He has to earn the help, so that means he makes a move and signs up for rehab and maybe you do one REASONABLE thing on his list like pay off his cellphone."
"That seems to be the cheapest one, and as things get progressively more expensive, he needs to constantly earn the next favor by showing he's serious about the help. I have a feeling if you give in to his demands, he'll take what he needed from you and not go to rehab."
"He's admitted as much in saying he thinks he's smarter than you. Play him at his own game or just don't help him at all."
"The ball is in his court, but he needs to earn the help. And any monetary help you decide to provide you will pay the debt directly to the vendor yourself not a penny will be given directly to him because he'll spend it." ~ Novel_Fox
"I come from a long line of alcoholics. Here is my advice."
"First, tell him that he needs to decide if he wants to go to rehab or not. You won't make that decision for him. If he wants to, he needs to tell you that. Not the other way around. It has to be his choice to get sober. Not yours."
"This one time only, you can agree to temporarily put his belongings in storage for the time he is in rehab and for one month after, but no longer. After that, it will be up to him and his sponsor (he will be expected to have one, leaving treatment, likely for a halfway house), to make their own plan."
"You aren't going to pay for anything else. There are social programs that will assist with things like a phone once he is in rehab." ~ Late_Resource_1653
OP's brother has to want to get sober for him to be successful.
No amount of money will help if he's not motivated to change.
