Money always finds a way to cause issues.
Even when love and marriage are involved, finances can get complicated.
So do partners navigate these waters?
Can one partner rightfully put boundaries on another?
Case in point...
Redditor throwawaybibawo wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for cancelling my wife's TV subscriptions?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I don't know if she's trying to play some sort of Pokémon 'gotta-catch-'em-all' but for TV subscriptions, but my wife subscribed to over 15 TV services that cost expensive monthly bills without even letting me know beforehand."
"I found out while checking my account today."
"I asked her why she needed all these subscriptions, and she said that it's nice to have more variety."
"I was really upset she decided to go behind my back and purchase all these things."
"So I canceled the subscriptions and told her she can watch free stuff instead and learn to ask me next time before spending my money."
"She threw a tantrum and called me a jerk."
"Details..."
"- Wife does no housework. We have a maid."
"- Wife decided to quit her job despite my wishes two months into the marriage."
"- We have no children."
"- Divorce is not feasible in our cultural environment. It can potentially endanger both of our families physically due to religious authorities and extremists present."
"- My money is singularly in my account, not joint."
"- She looked through my work bag for my credit card to get the subscriptions without my knowledge."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I'm going to go against the grain and say NTA assuming everything you say is true."
"That you guys got married with the expectation that you both would work."
"Your wife quit her job against your wishes."
"Your wife doesn't do chores since you guys have a maid."
"You have no kids."
"You pay for necessities."
"Neither of you is willing to take the risk of divorce coz it's dangerous for you."
"Sounds like you guys are not going to be able to make your marriage work and should divorce, but if divorce is impossible, I guess trying to stay out of each other's way is the best that you can do."
"I wouldn't pay for 15 subscriptions either." ~ ForeverNugu
"If this is the case, NTA."
"Extras are the privilege of the employed." ~ tryoracle
"They are both victims of an oppressive religious culture."
"She's likely trying to manipulate him into divorcing her by being as inconvenient as possible."
"OP needs to communicate that he is on the same page as her regarding a divorce, and they should be working together to escape and go their separate ways." ~ Les1lesley
"I have a mutual friend in the same situation."
"He works. She quit her job."
"Her parents handed her the family business for free to take over."
"She just stopped going, and he found out a month or 2 before it was going to be worth $0, by having to take off work early one day, and she was home and confessed."
"They luckily sold the business (for much less than it was worth when handed to her for free)."
"He is very unhappy."
"She does nothing but spend his money and refuses to work or do ANY household responsibilities."
"No kids. There are so many more insane things."
"It's a crazy situation."
"The religious reasons are really only on her family's end."
"But he cannot escape the guilt of how her life would probably end shortly after a divorce, as she somehow (I assume massive depression issues) cannot take care of herself." ~ pr3mium
"Stop with this."
"We are all victims of our culture. It does not erase our responsibility to treat other people—especially people we have an actual obligation to and should care about and be invested in—as human beings."
"They probably don't enjoy their oppressive social environment."
"But the choice to start spending his money that he worked for, to quit her own job, to not chip in by helping around the house, and so on—that is HER CHOICE."
"As far as their relationship goes, he is a victim, and she is an inconvenience."
"Oh, and if she IS trying to force him to file for divorce, that puts both of them in a pretty daunting place, doesn't it?"
"But especially him."
"So I'm not sure where you see the logic in that."
"Stop trying to make excuses for her. This one's pretty cut and dry." ~ cedilux
"If I may add..."
"They have cable already. He didn't even take this into consideration. The usual cable service is active."
"He pays not just for the usual groceries but also for personal items; he doesn't want her to pay for her shopping and eating bonbons all day long."
"I would think about having kids with her."
"She does seem to be the entitled housewife without any responsibility. NTA." ~ Dependent-Show2297
"I'm going to go NTA based on your comments."
"She doesn't work, look after children or do housework."
"Does she just watch TV all day?"
"How bloody boring."
'I personally could not do that." ~ reddit-readers-rock
"How is anyone here saying he is even slightly an AH???"
"SHE stole HIS credit card."
"She quit her job after he was trapped to be lazy and feed off of his income."
"He has every right to tell her she needs to ask before purchasing completely unnecessary things if it's his money."
"Most of the people here saying he's an AH sound like the ones living in mommy's basement for free." ~ glawv
"It's really weird to me when married people refer to money as 'Mine' instead of 'Ours.'"
"I know it's not how everyone works, and I'm not saying that it's wrong to have separate finances... but I dunno, it just seems like a weird way to operate in a marriage."
"I don't have money. My family has money."
"Every single penny I earn goes into the family."
"We budget for individual wants/needs, and I wouldn't have it any other way."
"I would be incredibly frustrated if my wife started spending money like crazy, but I wouldn't feel personally violated." ~ Daddict
"From everything else he says about their culture, there's a strong possibility that it's the usual thing that a woman stops work once married."
"And if they truly live in a culture where their lives would be at risk if they divorce, chances are the wife had very strong opposition to her carrying on working and would have been pressured by his family, her family, and her work colleagues and bosses to stop working if she was even given a choice by her employers at all."
"She would also attract the attention of extremists for carrying on working after marriage and may have been threatened."
'She also probably has a very limited chance to leave the house even."
"She's not allowed to spend money and has no money of her own." ~ Medium-Fan440
"NTA. I am only saying this because..."
"1. She went behind your back and took your credit card..."
"2. She stopped working without discussing it with you 2 months after marriage."
"It sounds like she is taking you for a ride, knowing you can't divorce her due to your religion. -before any one bashes me - I am a S[tay] A[t] H[ome] M[om] since I had my second baby."
"I am forever grateful that my husband has enabled me to do this and tell him this often."
"It was a decision we both made while considering all of our options." ~ murphy2345678
"NTA. You're in a country where income isn't community property, she stole your credit card number and subscribed to a bunch of TV services she didn't ask you about, and divorce is frowned on and would negatively affect both your families."
"She chose to quit working, doesn't do anything at home, and you have no children."
"You seem to be stuck with a wife whose values and goals are not the same as yours." ~ leggyblond1
"Omg NTA??"
"OP said she doesn't work, and it's his money, and she's allowed to spend on stuff she likes, but 15 is freaking overboard ?!!!"
"Literally just get like Netflix, Hulu, or Disney plus you do not need freaking FIFTEEN!"
"NTA, also you guys act like they can't resubscribe to one just cause he unsubscribed to all, so maybe just decide on one streaming service." ~ dennislettucee
"NTA. I can't think what you need 15 subscriptions for. Even 5 is pushing it."
"The crux of the problem isn't her being subscribed to 15 things. It's stealing your credit card and going behind your back to waste money on wants, not needs, while refusing to get her own job." ~ Nickjet45
"NTA. How many TV channels can your wife watch simultaneously?"
"These services are not inexpensive."
"From what you say, it seems that she is not contributing anything to the relationship."
"No income, no labor, nothing."
"You have become a single parent supporting an adult child."
"Since she has no income, she's living off of your charity."
"And that she took your credit cards without your permission or any discussion about household finances and made purchases."
"Well, around here, we call that a thief."
"People have to earn their leisure."
"That's part of being alive." ~ Quinquilharia
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
It sounds like you and your wife need to have a serious conversation about boundaries and expenses.
Good luck.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.