There are stealthy cheaters in the world, and then there are cheaters who could not be more obvious if they printed, "I'm cheating!" on the side of every city bus, blimp, and airplane in the nation.
But it's these obvious cheaters who have the audacity to act like nothing is going on until there's no way for them to deny it anymore, eye-rolled the masses in the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor IceQueenYouAndMe had been dating a guy for a while, long enough for them to form meaningful relationships with each other's friends. But then she noticed that her boyfriend may have been becoming too friendly with her friend, Stacey.
When his friendliness went so far as to be concerned when Stacey had a cold, and to even argue that he had to stay the night at her place to take care of her instead of coming home, the Original Poster (OP) was certain something else was going on, even when he insisted she was overreacting.
She asked the sub:
"AIO for being mad that my boyfriend stayed the night at another woman's apartment just because she had a cold or the flu?"
The OP thought her boyfriend was too close to one of her friends.
"I'm (27 Female) currently in another state."
"My boyfriend (27 Male) has made friends with my friends, including Stacey (35 Female)."
"Last night, I got suspicious after this message exchange after wanting my boyfriend to watch a funny TikTok video."
"Stacey is a young, healthy, and fit woman, so I wouldn't think a cold or the flu would put in that much danger that she needs someone to stay with her."
The OP also included two screenshots of her conversation with her boyfriend, which you can see here:
When the boyfriend insisted on staying, the OP asked:
"What do you mean? Does she need to go to the hospital? What are her symptoms?"
Her boyfriend replied with the basics:
"Sneezing, stuffy nose, runny nose, sore throat, cough, etc."
The OP questioned further:
"What's her temperature? Is she sweating? Is she having trouble breathing?"
Her boyfriend stated:
"Normal temp. She's sweaty from that steam thing and all the layers. No trouble breathing."
u/IceQueenYouAndMe/Reddit
u/IceQueenYouAndMe/Reddit
The OP then called her boyfriend out.
"Babe.....""No fever? That sounds like it's just a cold."
"What are you even doing for her? Why do YOU need to stay over?"
The boyfriend deadpanned:
"Taking care of her.""Message her or video chat with her since you have so many questions."
u/IceQueenYouAndMe/Reddit
The OP could tell that Stacey was sick when she called, but she couldn't rationalize her boyfriend's need to stay the night at her place.
"When Stacey and I video chatted, she actually looked sick."
"Her nose is red, chapped, and swollen. She was sneezing and sniffling. But she didn't cough once."
"Her breathing was fine. She looked sweaty but not feverish. She was even smiling."
But that didn't stop her boyfriend from staying the night anyway.
"This morning, I videochatted with my boyfriend and he did indeed stay at Stacey's."
"Stacey still had her red nose, and she was sneezing, but she was walking around in regular pajamas."
"I feel like I shouldn't even have to tell them how mad this all makes me."
"I don't know what their deal is. Even though we have been over her apartment dozens of times, it's still weird that they are so comfortable with each other. When I was single, I couldn't imagine a platonic guy friend staying over just because I had a cold, unless we wanted to change the platonic part."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some simply reassured the OP that this situation was crazy and that she was NOR.
"Not overreacting. That s**t is insane to me." - Inevitable_Aide_7145
"OP needs to tell her boyfriend that she'll be sleeping over at a guy friend's place because he's coughing to take care of him. See how her boyfriend overreacts."
"Him getting angry would prove that his stance is stupid, because all she would be doing is just giving a hypothetical of the situation that he just did on her back to him. If she's getting angry, then why does he think it's okay for him to do it? NOR." - Former_Elderberry647
"He's all like, 'Stacey has the sniffles, I better go hold her hand through the night.'"
"Even if he isn't sleeping with her (hah), it's still crossing a boundary. It's being way too invested, RIDICULOUSLY invested, in the health and well-being of a platonic friend, to such a degree that said friend will either be creeped out by this level of attention or get the 'wrong' idea. It's giving intimacy and care well beyond platonic norms." - SnooGuavas4208
"You asked the very reasonable question if she needed to go to the hospital or had a fever."
"Also, why would a 35-YEAR-OLD woman want some dude staying the night at her place unless she was very comfortable with the idea of him being there overnight? You would think her not feeling well would make her not want him there... especially if it's the first time, which makes me think it isn't." - Foreign-Cow-1189
"NOR, but... Some people are stupid, trusting their significant others. It's beyond insane. A good partner has boundaries and maintains respectful boundaries for the sake of the relationship. Honestly, it would be hard to believe this man isn't sleeping with this flu-infected woman." - thentheflood
But most were certain that the OP's boyfriend had either cheated on her or would soon.
"Honestly, it kind of looks like the boyfriend is trying to blow up his relationship… like he just stopped caring and decided he's moving on to this other chick. No offense to the OP, but long-distance relationships are not for the weak." - Caserious
"'She looked sweaty but not feverish. She was even smiling.'"
"...I'll bet. I'm sorry, OP. NOR." - My-Dog-Says-No
"The lengths people go to cheat really confuses me. Just break up!" - Doomkittykitty6
"Even if they're not banging right now because she might be sick for real, he clearly wants to bang; his intentions are clear as day, and that's all the OP needs to walk away."
"I get the impression that he's trying to bond with her friend first before he pursues her. And probably her friend is reciprocating in some way too, for him to do this, because I know there's no way in hell I would be ok with my friend's boyfriend staying the night at my place; that would be crossing the line and be very disrespectful to my friend. Unless they were in an open relationship or poly and my friend was totally okay with it, which doesn't seem to be the case here."
"And her friend is not a little girl, she's a 35-year-old woman, she definitely knows what's up, and she's allowing it or entertaining it. The OP needs to get stronger-minded and put an end to this. Both of them are being super disrespectful towards her and insulting her intelligence." - ScallionOk603
"Weird behavior. I get taking over a care package or something, but staying overnight for the sniffles? Your boyfriend is trying to bang Stacey... and her mom." - BadMoFo84
"You're very right. I think this would make most people uncomfortable, and it sucks that when you told him you weren't comfortable with it, he did it anyway. That's not okay in my book. If she were really your friend, she also would have told him to leave once she knew you were not okay with it. Something is definitely seems to be going on!!" - 19Mel92
"I'm pretty sure he's already banging Stacey. The only alternative is that he wants to, but Stacey won't let him, but she still enjoys the attention and how uncomfortable it makes OP."
"Otherwise, she wouldn't let him stay over at all. Either way, bin him." - davyp82
"Dropping off soup and double-checking if anything else is needed before going home and remaining a safe distance is more than enough. Or like, I don't know... tell her to call her parents or another friend to come stay with her?"
"Dude is f**king Stacey or trying to." - UncFest3r
"He's not your boyfriend, and she's not your friend. They're both playing in your face. NOR." - gdron123
"If nothing is going on between them, shouldn't Stacey know it wouldn't look good and make you uncomfortable? The worst-case scenario is that they are cheating. The best case scenario is they are kind of thoughtless and inconsiderate." - glittering-list3410
"Please dump his a** out of the house."
"He didn't ask how you felt about this because he doesn't care how YOU feel. People with the flu have a fever, and grown a** people don't ask their platonic friends to stay." - Nightmarecrusher
The subReddit could not believe how much the OP's boyfriend and her friend were disrespecting her, right in front of her, while she was voicing how uncomfortable all of this was making her.
Clearly, the OP's boyfriend and the OP's friend were not good people for her to have in her life, because if they were, and these actions were innocent, they would have changed plans and done everything they could to make the OP comfortable and earn her trust back.
The bar truly is the lowest it's ever been.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.