Infidelity in a marriage is usually a death knell for the relationship if it's discovered. After the split, does the aggrieved spouse still owe any loyalty to the cheater?
A spouse whose wife cheated on him turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Forward_Way1983 asked:
"AITAH for sleeping with my soon to be ex-wife's friend?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife cheated on me two months ago with a guy she met while we still were together and working on the relationship. Now almost two months later, I texted a woman who has a kid who's in the same class as our kid."
"I met this woman the first time in our home, because my wife invited her and her kid to play with our kid. They got along decently from what I understood."
"This woman told my wife and I that she was single and had left the father. Now mind you, this is ALL I knew about my wife's and her relationship. I did not know that they had been texting each other a bit since then."
"Fast forward, I text this woman after two months of our breakup because why not? I thought she looked good and that we could probably just have a good time."
"After having met her, we both developed feelings for each other to which we tried to end it, but couldn't."
"The woman I met then proceeded to text my soon to be ex-wife that she has feelings for me and that she is sorry, but she can't really ignore them."
"We talked a bit about it before she talked to her and I asked her if she wanted me to break the news to my soon to be ex wife (STBXW), but she felt it was better if it came from her which I have no problem with honestly."
"In my view my STBXW has no say in who I meet or/and sleep with so I really had no care about telling her. Might as well tell her before the kids do."
"All the while my wife is spending every other week with the guy she cheated with on me and have said she loved him just 2-3 weeks after we broke up."
"We haven't even sold our house yet and she has already rented a place for herself and him and are planning a new life for them, introducing our kids etc... to him, posting pictures on Facebook where he is holding my kids' hands, etc..."
"Now she has the balls to say that Im the a**hole?"
"Reddit AITAH for 'fancying' my soon to be ex-wife's 'friend'?
The OP later added:
"As the situation stands now, she has threatened to contact the court to basically force us to sell the house to the lowest bidder. This could mean our entire 10 year housing career will be lost."
"And any hopes in putting any of the money from the sale of the house into savings for the kids will be gone. I haven't received any calls or letters about it yet, so we will see."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not doing anything wrong (NTA).
"NTA. Your wife is a big a** hypocrite." ~ Glum_Craft_4652
"Sounds like my ex-wife."
"We ended things, and after a month or so she moved in with her "friend" from work, whom she had spent ALOT of time with (followed by the posting of pics together in social media etc...)."
"Then she went ballistic on me when she found out I created a Tinder-account two months after she moved out (and a month after she moved in with him)."
"I told her to punch sand." ~ LuxuryBeast
"NTA your wife shouldn't have cheated if she wanted any say in who you see. Tell her it's none of her business at all anymore."
"Bonus points if you put it this way: 'I didn't get a say in who else you dated while we were married so you don't get a say in who I date now'." ~ Material-Dot7684
"Here is what I am thinking: Your ex wife is HOPING that the Chad she threw your marriage in the garbage for sticks around. You know, so she doesn't look like a f*cking idiot."
"Something tells me though that she isn't all that confident in Chad's 'commitment' to her so she expected you to wait around like a chump in case she f*cked up."
"Enjoy your life brother and enjoy the new girlfriend. And don't feel bad for laughing at the self-sabotaging moron. NTA." ~ OkTumbleweed1705
"She's probably extra pissed because she knows this woman he fancies is a stable woman that he could legit have something serious with." ~ Undottedly
"Why would OP care what a cheater who he broke up with says and thinks? Be civil for your kids, and be the bigger person, but don't deny yourself when she didn't do it."
"The wife is a typical example of somebody who wants the cake, but also wants to eat it, and nobody else can have cake." ~ fragtore
"NTA. Your cheating ex obviously expected you to suffer from her absence and instead, you're moving on. Your best revenge is to just be happy and successful without your ex. She may discover the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence." ~ E_Anthony
"NTA. Your STBXW is just the definition of two weights two measures.... you don't owe her anything."
"Be careful about jumping too soon in another relationship though, especially one your son is indirectly involved in." ~ alphaphenix
"NTA She didn't think you would move on so quickly. She's jealous."
"Also, you moved on with someone who could eff up her reputation with the girls/guys in the kid pickup line at the school. Your ex is your ex for a reason."
"Don't let her eff up your new life because she's jealous."
"Be happy OP. I know you weren't playing stupid games….you genuinely tried…..she was and she just won the Stupid Prize—a giant a** hippo to fit in that giant a** hippo crate." ~ AlyD1983
"Honestly, your soon to be ex-wife lost any right to complain the moment she slept around and cheated."
"She did not care about how her cheating would effect you mentally, so why should you care how she feels that you have found someone else."
"I can guarantee this has nothing to do with her knowing this woman, and it more to do with the fact she is annoyed you've managed to move on and your not sitting at home grovelling in self pity alone while she is enjoying her life." ~ Tamanor
"Your wife wants to be the winner and the victim. Just ignore her but keep your head down until after the divorce is finalized. She can make it real hard if she is mad at you." ~ Ch0caholic
"A long time ago a girlfriend broke up with me. I found out she had met someone at work. She still went to Hawaii with my family before breaking up with me."
"The same day she ended it with me, one of her friends texted me and asked how I was doing and would I like to hang out. I said sure and we eventually became an item."
"When the ex-girlfriend found out she had a major melt down. NTA." ~ Any_Program_2113
"Maybe NTA and while your choices may not be wrong, your wife's cheating doesn't make your decisions very smart. Your divorce isn't even final and 2 months in, you're in love? I would think you would take the time to heal first."
"Also, what was the goal with someone your wife casually texted, contacting her to tell her? Why wouldn't she talk to you directly first to see how you wanted to handle that conversation when you were ready? That information should have come from you." ~ wellthisisawkward86
"Nope, not the A-hole. She moved on with her life, you can do the same. Your soon to be ex is upset because she wanted to see you miserable and alone."
"You burst her bubble, and she doesn't like it. I'll bet she's also upset because your new 'friend' is younger, and better looking than her." ~ RabbitGlass5578
"In your ex-wife's mind, only she can f*ck around and move on. You're supposed to be groveling in a dark corner in the fetal position crying about your misfortunes, not shagging her friends."
"NTA! Don't worry, she'll be coming back once she gets a hint that you have moved on. Especially once her current lover pump and dumps her. If history says anything, a relationship founded on infidelity does not last and 'usually' ends in infidelity as well." ~ Outofmana1
"Infidelity is never an accident or mistake. It is always a choice."
"She knew what she was going to do would hurt you, but she chose to do it anyway."
"Her choice leaves her zero say as to what you do and whom you do it with." ~ Nomorelevels
While moving on so quickly may prove to be a mistake, moving on wasn't.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.