I knew very early in life I didn't want children.
I've never felt the longing for parenthood others speak about, I have zero interest in holding anyone's bodily fluid spewing baby, and I find most young children incredibly sticky and annoying—all great reasons for me to remain childfree for life.
I'm not a fan of babies or toddlers, so I shouldn't create one.
And that's OK as long as I don't impose my preferences on other people outside my own home. If a home or environment is child-friendly, I need to remove myself if I'm uncomfortable instead of forcing others into discomfort or telling them to leave.
If only other people took the same approach.
It's unfathomable to me why so many mothers have tried to force me to hold their baby or interact with their child. If I tried to hand my pet to someone and they said "no, thank you," my impulse wouldn't be to completely ignore them and try to shove my pet into their arms.
Yet women have pushed their infant against my body—after I've said no to their offer to hold the child—expecting me to immediately cradle their baby. When my arms remain by my sides as they're loosening their grip on their kid, they get mad at me.
It's a miniature, very breakable human.
What would possess someone to fling it at someone that has stated they don't want to hold it?
That's just dangerous and irresponsible.
As a society, we need to protect the vulnerable from harm. But no one other than a child's creator or voluntary caretaker is obligated to meet their child's wants.
But some people can't seem to grasp that concept. "It takes a village" is about health, safety, and basic needs—not forcing the neighbor lady to entertain your toddler because they decided they wanted to go visit.
A young, childfree woman dealing with a mother who thinks unannounced, uninvited, unwelcome visits are mandatory if the unwanted guest is "just a child" turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Klutzy_Hedgehog_1516 asked:
"AITA for turning away my new neighbour and her child?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (26, female) just moved into a new, small apartment block two weeks ago. I've been busy setting up the place, furniture, and everything else."
"The afternoon I moved in, one of my neighbours came up to the steps—each apartment has a little front area, and mine faces the carpark. She introduced herself, single mom with a 4-year-old daughter and gave me a small succulent to say welcome."
"I was very appreciative, said thank you and we spoke for a few minutes."
"They've lived here for years and I have seen them being friendly with other neighbours. To be fair, all the neighbours are friendly. It's 8 apartments in total, and I've met all the others and they're fine."
"I wave to most people, but I do not go out of my way to interact with them."
"I work three days from home and am usually home in the evening after work and at night."
"This neighbour has started showing up a lot, can generally hear her approaching with her daughter and they'll show up with a painting, or something the daughter has made to give to me."
"It is nice, but I do prefer to keep to myself, and often I'm in my baggy tee or not dressed for visitors, I have to kind of make myself presentable in under a minute with no notice."
"This latest instance, they showed up around 7pm. The daughter had made some kind of drawing and wanted to drop it off."
"I'd had a long day—was in a giant sweater, looking a mess but insanely comfy, ice cream on the couch, watching a film—saw them through the window, had to quickly jump up, put on shorts, and greet them at the door."
"Said thank you as always, daughter wanted to come in, see what I was watching. Nothing terrible, just a bit too grown up for a 4-year-old."
"I politely said, 'look, thank you, but I'm really not in the mood tonight' and asked could they please leave."
"My neighbour responded 'but she's just a kid', 'it'll only be a few minutes', 'she loves making things to show you', etc... and I finally said, 'look, I'm childfree by choice, can you please leave? Thank you. Good night'."
"They have not been back since, but left a note in my mailbox explaining I was rude and her daughter was upset, had cried and they'd be open to an apology."
"I haven't responded, but I don't want to apologize for saying no."
"I wish I could take back that child-free line, but at the end of a long day, I want my bed socks, my R-rated movie, my couch, my ice cream, and that's it. And she refused to take no for an answer."
"In my mind at the time, it was 'there's a reason I don't have kids and this lack of boundaries is it'."
"Am I the a**hole for turning them away?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I was quite abrupt with my neighbor and her 4-year-old daughter in asking them to leave."
"I believe I might be the a**hole for not simply being more polite in what I said and how I said it."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Rude is—after hearing the words 'no' and 'please leave'—deciding because you have a child, no one is allowed to say 'no' or 'not now' to them."
"NTA. They asked, you answered, they decided to disregard your response because 'she's just a child'. So you told them the truth—a childfree person doesn't want a 4-year-old to control their life in any way."
"Mom thinks everyone else should indulge whatever whim her kid has. Nope, mom signed up for that by having a kid. No one else is obligated to cater to her kid." ~ LakotaGrl
"This is my nightmare, and I have no idea how I'd deal with it. While I wouldn't have said the 'child-free by choice' part."
"You set a boundary, and they are basically respecting it. It sucks when you're friendly, and people overstep."
"Which they VERY MUCH DID. NTA."
"Mom is probably lonely, but that's not your responsibility. Just nod and say 'Hi' when you see them, and carry on in your undies." ~ ex-farm-grrrl
"As a tip for the future, just because someone knocks at your door doesn't mean you have to answer it."
"Unless it's emergency services, feel free to continue watching your movie in your bed socks and eating your ice cream."
"Even if they can see that you're home, you're not required to receive guests just because they want to visit. NTA." ~ Ready-Cucumber-8922
"Just avoid that confrontation. One of the guys with my HOA will knock on my door, and I just don't answer because I'm lounging around, and I don't need him trying to invite himself in."
"My car is there, so he knows I'm probably home, but I don't care. It's not the 1970s. NTA."
"He's one of those older guys who can't—or won't—tell the difference between me trying to be friendly to him as a fellow human and an invitation to disregard boundaries." ~ gloomyrain
"NTA. That kind of kills two birds with one stone. She knows you're childfree by choice, which means it won't be as easy for her to hit you up for free babysitting."
"They were invading your personal space. Who knows, if you would have let them in, how long they would have stayed."
"Then you'd have to ask them to leave. Better to nip it in the bud now." ~ Vandreeson
"I think it was right to say this. Not everyone wants or even likes kids, and it's not fair for people to expect you to accept them in your private space just because they're children. NTA." ~ CrayolaViolence
"No, you were 100% right to say this. It's super bizarre how pushy she was to get into your house."
"I am also majorly happily childfree and always will be. Parents need to know that I'm not interested in babysitting or establishing a friendship with their toddler."
"You did the right thing. You said exactly what you need to say to make sure she doesn't try to pawn her kid off on you. NTA!" ~ Sufficient-Value3577
The OP provided an update.
"I'm going to speak to my neighbor in person in the morning—not a note reply—and say that I'm sorry for my choice of words, but boundaries need to be in place, and they cannot keep showing up unannounced."
"I don't plan for it to be combative, just human to human. I realize I should've said something from the beginning, but that is neither here nor there."
"However she decides to respond, that's what it is."
Whether a conversation resolves any hard feelings is up to the mother.
She can either recognize how rude forcing her kid on others is, or she can continue to think being a child overrides anyone else's boundaries.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.