People who expatriate to a new country always find themselves in for some sort of culture shock, no matter how much they prepare.
As there are bound to be certain customs, habits, or simple turns of phrase that take them by surprise.
Sometimes, they end up easily adapting to these differences, even taking some of them up themselves.
Other times, they wish they had never learned of them.
Redditor Naruto_is_my_hero was excited when work took her from her home in Eastern Europe to the United States.
Unfortunately, upon arrival, the original poster (OP) found herself getting off to a less than ideal start with her American colleague.
Particularly when he gave her a moniker that made her so uncomfortable, she felt the need to report him to her superiors.
Having some doubts about her decision in hindsight, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for getting my colleague in trouble for calling me his work wife?"
The OP explained why she ended up getting her colleague in some hot water at work:
"Some time ago I (29 F[emale]) was assigned by my European based employer to work on a project at our US location."
"Part of my assignment was training a new hire within my special area of expertise."
"This new guy is about 10 years older than me and hired for a management position, however he is in no way my superior as I take on more of a consulting role with the local team."
"I noticed straight away that he is very outgoing and sociable, joking around a lot with his colleagues."
"Quite different from the men I am used to as I come from a north-east European country where the male stereotype can only be described as 'silent'."
"He immediately took an interest in me and started jokingly flirting and complimenting my looks."
"This made me uncomfortable since we are both married, and I felt it was very inappropriate."
"It also made me feel as if he did not respect me professionally when comments like 'you look so cute when you're serious' would interrupt my training sessions with him."
"The assignment itself was a big deal to me and I wanted nothing more than to exceed expectations, which is why I was reluctant to bring this up and 'create drama'."
"I tried ignoring his behavior but the last straw for me was when he started calling me his 'work wife' openly in the office."
"I understand that this term is used in a joking manner in US office culture, but we absolutely do not have anything similar in my home country and if word would get around back home about this, I would have to explain to my husband why some random man decided to call me his wife."
"To avoid this, I decided I need to put an end to the casual flirting and jokes from this man."
"I sat him down one-on-one and told him, in short, that he has to stop calling me his work wife."
"He seemed like he understood but I was maybe being too 'nice' or vague in my approach towards him because he acted no different the following days."
"This made me frustrated as I felt I now have to either go to my (and his) boss and risk this reflecting badly on my assignment or risk conflict in my marriage."
"I ultimately decided that my marriage is more important than my job and told my boss about my issue."
"Luckily my boss took me seriously and told me that he would handle it and to stop worrying about it."
"I am not sure what went down after this but the flirting and the compliments from my colleague abruptly stopped."
"I was relieved but I also felt that my colleague acted very cold towards me after this all happened."
"I still successfully finished my training sessions with him and the assignment and relocated back home."
"Now in retrospect I am wondering if I overreacted due to the cultural differences between the US and my home country."
"Maybe what my colleague was doing was just normal social interaction and I acted like a complete a**hole getting him into trouble with our boss for mere joking?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for reporting her colleague after he called her his "work wife".
Everyone agreed that if the OP's colleague called the OP anything that made her uncomfortable, she needed to report it, agreeing that her colleague's remarks were misogynistic and disrespectful.
"NTA."
"He was acting unprofessional as hell."- m1splacedfan
"Congratulations on both completing your assignment successfully and shutting down a creep who thought he could get away with sexually harassing you."
"You're a hero."
"NTA."- ScarletNotThatOne
"NTA."
"You did nothing wrong."
"You approached this male colleague first and asked him to stop."
"You were uncomfortable."
"He did not stop."
"That is harassment."
"You did the right thing by reporting him."
"I bet other women he works with thank you."- Worth-Season3645
"NTA."
"Terms like 'work wife' are and can be uncomfortable."
"I am not European or American, but I would be uncomfortable with a man calling me his 'work wife', even if he and I were friendly."
"You did nothing wrong -- in fact, you did what you could in the right way."
"You spoke to him in person first, then when that didn't change his behavior, it definitely became harassment on his part, so you took it up the chain to your boss, who dealt with it."- beneficialmirror13
"NTA."
"From the US and I find the 'work wife/husband' routine to be at best cringe and at worst an attempt to cover or soften inappropriate behavior."
'And while not unheard of, it's not like people are throwing those jokes around all over the place here."
"You did the right thing by addressing it one-on-one first."
"He only has himself to blame for the escalation to management."
"Don't sweat it."- strangerfish2
"NTA."
'As an American who works in a corporate setting, calling someone a 'work wife' isn't common part of US work culture."
"I've heard of people saying it, and it's always step 1 of finding out they're having an affair together."-AgnarCrackenhammer
"NTA."
"He was sexually harassing you and creating a hostile work environment."
"You did the right thing by informing your boss."
"It's such a typical male response for him to blame the victim rather than owning his actions."
"It smacks of misogyny and entitlement."- NotAFlyingToy74
"NTA."
"'Work wife' has 2 contests here in the US:"
"2 friendly coworkers with very little actual sexual chemistry who mutually joke and have spouses that know about it and also joke w them and tease."
"Coworkers who are cheating on their spouses - either physically or emotionally."
"Him using that after heavy and one-sided flirting is not appropriate even here."
"Setting that aside, even if it were, you telling him very directly to stop in a 1-on-1 conversation should have resulted in him stopping."
"End of."
"Reporting him when he ignored your demand to stop was the right thing to do."- AnyBioMedGeek
"NTA."
"I'm a guy, and I had a female colleague make really personal comments about my appearance."
"Whilst they were complimentary, they were also deeply uncomfortable and I regret not calling her out on it."
"You're a professional and your colleague is an idiot."
"Not only that, he's compounding his lack of professionalism by behaving like a child."-borisslovechild
"NTA."
"I'm an American and I think the work spouse thing is super cringey and disrespectful to actual partners, especially when it isn't mutual in your senses of humor or conduct."- lmchatterbox
"NTA."
"I live in the US and this work wife crap drives me crazy."
"It's not cute it's very disrespectful to women and unprofessional in my opinion."- loveyou-first
"NTA."
"Work wife/work husband stuff is childish and unprofessional."
"He sounds like a loser."- Lucky_Volume3819
"You told him to stop, he didn't stop."
"Escalating it was the correct response."
"NTA."- mdthomas
"NTA."
"Even in America (or Canada), calling someone a 'work wife' or 'work husband' is entirely unprofessional, especially if one or both of the people involved are married."
"Doubly so if one of them clearly and explicitly tells the other to back off."- Expensive_Plant_9530
"NTA."
"He was clearly making you uncomfortable with the flirting and in doing so, was objectifying you and diminishing your stature as a professional in front of others."
"The 'work wife' thing is loaded."
"I have a good friend who was close to a guy at work, they respected one another, and she referred to him as her work husband."
"I assume he reciprocated, and I understand she was close to his wife."
"But a lot of women would be truly offended by this moniker, and certainly, many wives would be be offended that their husband's colleague thought of herself as much."
"But again, you told him you didn't like it, and he didn't listen to you."
"So, you are not at all the AH AND your boss is a champ for taking it seriously and handling it."
"Good for you for speaking up!"
"I hope this empowers you such that you will continue to do so, not only on your on behalf, but whenever you see this kind of stuff happening to others."
"Sometimes younger folks don't realize that they don't have to put up with this -- so you are modeling excellent behavior here!"
"Brava!"- kandoux
A husband and wife have each other's backs, treat each other with respect, and genuinely love one another.
In some special, exceedingly rare circumstances, it might be understandable for someone to consider a colleague a "work husband" or "work wife".
For that to work, however, the feeling must be mutual.
And as the OP's colleague did nothing other than make the OP uncomfortable, it's safe to say this was not one of those rare occasions.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.