Personal time is important for everybody.
As many have learned over the last several years, personal time away from work is especially essential.
But many co-workers and managers still like to try and steal a little from others.
Especially from people without kids.
Case in point...
Redditor RoadTrip6 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my coworker that my solo picnic is as important as her daughter's recital?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (29 F[emale]) started working at a new company 8 months ago."
"I was headhunted specifically for the role I have, which gave me enough power to negotiate my contract like I wanted."
"One of the things I managed to get was a clause that prohibited my employer from contacting me outside work hours."
"If it is a true emergency, then they can send me an email."
"Otherwise, they can't even send me a text."
"Furthermore, I have a separate work phone that I shut down at 5 on the dot, then turn on at 9 am."
"Another thing is that I don't work O[ver]T[time]."
"I am very efficient, so my work is done by 3 pm, or 5 pm if we have an emergency."
"I also take my whole lunch break outside the office, and my coffee breaks away from my desk."
"My coworkers are not the same, they tend to socialize during work hours and have work left for afterward."
"They sometimes ask me to 'help,' but I always decline by saying that I have plans."
"I won't go into details, I just say that I have plans."
"These plans 99% of the time just include going home, reading books, or sleeping."
"But that is my personal time."
"Monday, a coworker asked me if I could stay a bit later to help her out, apparently, she was late with some essential work, but had to be done by that night because she had to attend her daughter's recital at 6."
"I said that I was sorry, but that I had plans."
"It was a nice day, so instead of going home, I just went to a park to read while breathing some fresh air."
"Brought some fruit and bubble tea, and made a picnic out of it."
"My coworker found me there, and she was pissed."
"She said that I could have helped her if I didn't have plans."
"I said that I do have plans, this impromptu picnic."
"She said that it wasn't as important as her daughter's recital."
"So I said that for me, it was even more important than her daughter's recital."
"She called me an AH, and some of my friends agreed."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I mean... you're living 10000% in the black-and-white definition of your job responsibilities."
"If you're asking if you are wrong for refusing to change your boundaries, you're NTA."
"If you're asking if I would like working with you - also probably no, but I don't think that will keep you up at night." ~ Major_Barnacle_2212
"I have a feeling that op has chosen to be this way for a reason."
"The expression 'give an inch and they'll take a mile' is incredibly relevant in the workforce these days, especially in America."
"I didn't notice if OP mentioned where they live."
"Work-life balance has gotten so out of control that the phrase 'quiet quitting' is being used by managers to describe DOING ONLY YOUR JOB."
"Somehow, it is now the worker's job to work more than they've agreed to for the same amount of pay as a minimum requirement? No."
"And sorry, but childfree folks get thrown under the bus and treated as less than those with children."
"All the time."
"We are expected to work more holidays, stay late so parents can pick up their kids, cover sick days, and the like because our lives are treated less seriously than those who have chosen to procreate."
"Good on op for not allowing that crap."
"It may seem harsh, and yes as a former preschool teacher, I do love to advocate for helping one another.
"That being said NTA." ~ witchywoman713
"I had very much the same attitude as OP until my mom changed my outlook."
"I was asking her why she was taking on extra work to help out a colleague with a personal issue, basically saying 'That's not your problem.'"
"And she pointed out that years ago when her partner had cancer and she was dealing with chemo and end of life prep and all that sh*t, her colleagues had always helped her out when she needed it."
"I don't think work colleagues should have to help each other out all the time or anything, but I do think it's good to pay some kindness forward."
"You never know when you will really need help." ~ Kaia455
"To you. Choosing to have friends or preferring to be alone doesn't mean you're in for a 'miserable' life."
"To be frank being surrounded by people who don't really care for me and just want me around for favors or so they don't feel alone sounds miserable."
"Being able to enjoy your own time is a powerful skill."
"I love being alone the majority of the time like I literally look forward to my alone time."
"I know people typically use each other which, hey you gotta give a little to get a little, but if OP made it this far helping themselves I think they'll be okay many years to come."
"I actually admire OP for not being a people pleaser."
"You only live once and you should do what makes you happy not what makes other lives easier."
"And again a lot of people are able to problem solve on their own."
"Which again is a good skill."
"It's like people are getting on OP for not relying on people ever (which is smart) and not letting others rely on them."
"NTA but I will admit eating fruit with bubble tea is making my teeth and stomach scream for you." ~ virgodaze
"Here's the thing about today's work environment: Budging an inch on your boundaries to do anyone favors very quickly becomes 'Well you helped that one time, so you should be willing to help this time and every other time.'"
"Give an inch and they will absolutely take a mile if you let them."
"OP's coworkers choose to socialize during work hours."
"They are the reason they lag behind in their work."
"That is not OP's problem." ~ ExcuseMeMyGoodLich
"In the sense that it is your personal time, and you owe it to no one NTA."
"In the sense that if you were my coworker and this happened, I would never go out of my way to assist you with anything." ~ Pure_Cantaloupe6872
"I think, it's more we are all in this sh*t/life together and we should help people out occasionally."
"If co-worker was asking OP every day to help them finish their work, that's a problem."
"If a co-worker asks once in a blue moon for help before an important event for them and you have nothing urgent, it's just the decent thing to help them."
"So where OP is NTA, she just sucks as a person and isn't someone you would want to work with." ~ iguessithappens
"NTA- you're well within your rights to utilize your leisure time how you see fit, free from the comparative judgment of your coworkers."
"Zero obligation to justify what you do with your own time."
"Your coworker is mad at the wrong person."
"I don't know the nature of the work, but if the team needs support I assume a manager or other staffing personnel would be in charge of sourcing that support." ~sumaCamus
OP came back to chat...
"So I log off for a few hours, log back in expecting maybe 100 comments."
"I am blown, and thank everyone for their judgment, NTA, YTA, or ESH."
"Now for some important things..."
"How did she find me in the park?"
"The park is small, near her daughter's school (I didn't know that)."
"And I was sitting closer to the street."
"She was driving by looking for parking when she spotted me and decided to confront me."
"I guess she wasn't that late for the recital."
"We are not on the same team."
"She asked for help because she knew I know how to do her tasks, not because we are on the same team working on the same project."
"For people who are worried about my career, thank you, but don't worry."
"I am not planning to climb the corporate ladder."
"All I want is a job that pays enough to live a comfortable middle-class life."
"I invested in a bit of a niche/rare skillset, and it paid me back with a 6 figure salary and is very sought after."
"All I have to do is to maintain my skill set and keep up with the times, and I will be golden."
"I have had offers from all around my state, and a few more."
"For those who say that I am a miserable loner, I have a very fulfilling personal life, with a tight-knit family, and a great friend circle."
"I just prefer to not mix work and personal life, and that means no befriending coworkers."
"Made that mistake early on, but I learned from it."
"And lastly, for those saying an impromptu picnic is not 'plans,' enjoying my personal time is and has always been my plans."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Your time, your rules.
Personal time is a must.
Enjoy yourself.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.