We've all been on one of those terrible first dates, and it's even worse when we feel like we shouldn't leave the date, like at a restaurant.
But sometimes we have to walk out anyway, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor throwaway000059 was furious with her date when he was mistreating their restaurant server.
When he insisted it was the reasonable thing to do, the Original Poster (OP) decided the date was over.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for tipping our waitress 20 dollars despite her poor service, because my date was playing a 'game' with her tips?"
The OP's first date turned terrible quickly.
"I met a guy on a dating app. We hit it off and we arranged our first date. Things were going well, we had sat down and started some small chat."
"Our waitress came over, asking us what we want to order."
"I said what I wanted and gestured to him so he could order."
"He ordered and then pulled out what I think was about 15 dollars and put it on the table. He said, 'This is your tip. Every time you mess up, I take some away.'"
The OP tried to talk to her date about what he'd said.
"The waitress looked nervous immediately. I was sitting there a bit shocked but mostly embarrassed because I wasn't expecting this."
"She must have been new as well, because she did spill some drinks on our table that night, gave us the wrong food, and overall just seemed lost."
"He took away 13 dollars."
"I asked him why he thought doing tips this way was a good idea. He said it was the best way to ensure 'good service.'"
"When I disagreed, he said, 'Can't always be nice to these people, it's not a respectable job.'"
The OP decided the date was over.
"I decided then that I wanted nothing to do with him and was just trying to finish eating, and called the waitress over to get the bill. I slapped a 20-dollar bill in her hand and got up to pay for my own meal."
"Later that night, he demanded to know why I had given her the tip despite her poor service."
"I told him it was because he decided to treat her livelihood like it was a game."
"He said because of me, she'll never improve her service and that I'm just a people pleaser."
"I blocked him, but I've wondered ever since if that was really the right thing to do."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was right to end this date as early as possible.
"I've never been a waiter but when people put needless stress and expectations on me (especially in an already stressful job) it definitely affects my performance, I could easily believe the waitress usually does a much better job."
"OP handled it perfectly, you can tell a lot about people by how they treat service staff. NTA." - DrWhoop87
"NTA. That kind of game isn't even remotely a good way to 'ensure good service' it's a good way to fluster your server into making even more mistakes cause they're too hyper-aware that they're being judged." - HerosMuse
"To be honest, I feel like if someone did that to me, I'd assume I was gonna be faulted for bulls**t stuff and that I shouldn't bother trying, and maybe should just have fun f**king with the guy."
"Also OP, a better move would probably have gotten up and left without a word as soon as the guy pulled the 'here's your tip if you don't mess up,' but NTA."
"Also, who cares about service if this is the adversarial atmosphere before the orders were even taken, like what a way to ruin a meal." - DerpyTheGrey
"To be honest, I wish she had talked down to him right in front of him while giving the waitress that money."
"Like, 'This was supposed to be a romantic date and luckily he outed himself as a huge, disrespectful little s**t almost immediately. I'm sorry it had to be you as the target. Please accept this 20, you've earned every penny, and if anyone ever does that to you again, don't even bother to bring them a menu, since they're not respectable 'people.'" - shelballama
"NTA. His way of tipping is a d**k move. I've heard of that before and if I was a waiter, I would be offended by this garbage and wouldn't wait on him. It's a horrible way to treat people."
"Mind you, we're still in the middle of a pandemic and things don't go right. Restaurants are short staffed and not all food is available. She could 'lose' tip money on things she cannot control. This is just bulls**t. Move on, lose that guy." - Cokeycane
"It honestly feels like such a nasty 'game' though. Such a person is a foul person, to me."
"When I go out to eat, I don't want to bring in dog s**t vibes, lol (laughing out loud). Yeah, sure, I'm the customer, but the folks I'm interacting with are people. I appreciate them providing a good meal, service/recommendations, and maybe some light banter… and in return, it feels completely obligatory to me to be respectful to them too."
"Wanting to play a game where we highlight all their 'mistakes' is inherently disgusting to me."
"For me, if someone were to ever try this game while attending dinner with me (as a fellow customer), I'd probably tell them to go home and get f**ked, lol. I'm at a place in my life thankfully that I at least don't have to suffer such w**kering cretins." - madmaxturbator
"I work at a bar and if someone did this to me, I'd laugh and tell them they can go ahead and order at the bar then. I'm not playing their stupid game so I can 'feel bad' and obsess over every little thing that they perceive as a mistake."
"This is not the way to ensure good service. We're all human and have a life outside our jobs and bigger problems. I and most of my coworkers are university students. We don't have the energy to worry about pleasing pricks like this."
"OP, you are not the a**hole and that server is immensely grateful to you for standing up for her. Especially if she was indeed starting a new job. Everyone needs kindness, except that AH you went out with." - beansbeans716
Others were deeply troubled by how the OP's date treated service workers.
"NTA. So, he made her nervous, which likely made her service worse."
"Then, then he has the absolute gal to say, 'Can't always be nice to these people, it's not a respectable job.'"
"What?"
"He is using the service she provides and yet insulting her and all the people who share the same job. Jesus above." - JudgeJed100
"If it's not a respectable job, why did he demand pristine service? These people have to work during an ongoing pandemic with people who are even more unhinged lately."
"OP, NTA. Anyone who treats servers like this doesn't deserve your time and energy. this guy showed you who he was. You have to believe him."
"NTA. I hope you find a dollar on the ground." - likecommentsurvive
"We were sat next to a table and at one point the waitress brought them the wrong drink. And the guy goes, 'Don't worry I wasn't going to tip anyway.'"
"And the waitress sort of laughs awkwardly and he goes, 'No really I don't believe in tipping.'"
"The waitress leaves the table and his partner proceeds to argue with him about how embarrassing it is for him not to tip and then he says if she wants to tip she should pay but she can't because she is a SAHM." - astrobuckeye
"I was a server years ago, and I had a table that did something similar. They put a $5 bill on the table and said I better give great service, because they deserve it, and this would be my tip if I did well."
"I worked in a steakhouse, so a 5-buck tip would be really low. I took my time, and focused more on my other tables, but was still polite and gave them pretty good service. They left the tip, but I did think their behavior was gross."
"I got those people with religious pamphlets that were disguised as $20 bills several times too! The same couple of groups would come in every Sunday and do that. Then they would complain they weren't getting good service."
"Well, if you tip poorly or not at all and keep coming back, the staff remembers you. We made $ 2.62 an hour, plus we had to tip 3% of our total sales to the house, to be divided among the hostess, busboys, etc. So the server would actually get stuck paying to wait on the table!" - sarahsignorelli
"You tip well, you get remembered, sometimes the bartender refills your drink for free, and sometimes you leave an extra $20."
"In fact, every time I've gotten something for free, I've been so pleased that I ended up tipping the full cost of that thing plus an extra 10-20%. I'm so easily manipulated, I could probably get comped a $20 meal and leave $40 because I feel like I'm getting away with something."
"Not that I mind." - LackingUtility
"If I was a server and someone pulled this s**t with me, I'd probably give them bad service on purpose for being a d**khead. $15 isn't even a great tip."
"NTA, obviously." - RenDabs
The subReddit was just as grossed out by the date's behavior as the OP had been. They were grateful that she had stood up for herself and who she was not willing to date, and she had also ended the server's evening on a better note than it would have been.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.