Every relationship is different, and how a couple functions within that relationship might look strange to another couple but work very well for them.
They might even change how their relationship works over time to keep up with life’s struggles, which lets their relationship be just as strong as ever, empathized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
For Redditor Classic-Web-6642 and her husband, that actually meant opening their marriage up to other intimate partners, since her husband was ill and could not perform in the bedroom without hurting himself.
But when her sister-in-law “caught her cheating” and confronted her in a group chat rather than discussing her concerns with her, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not telling everyone in my life that I have an open marriage, resulting in someone trying to ‘bust’ me for cheating?”
The OP’s husband was ill and unable to be physically intimate with her.
“I’m married to Ryan, who has a chronic illness that rules his life. We have a somewhat open relationship.”
“Ryan can’t perform sexually very often due to his illness, and the days when he can, it kicks off incredible fatigue. I’d rather we be able to go for a walk together or go out and do something most of the time, and so would he.”
“We have been together for 15 years, and in the past seven years, we have had sex five times. Yes, it’s incredibly sad.”
Ryan offered for the OP to have an open marriage with him.
“About six years ago, Ryan offered to open up the marriage for me.”
“I was hesitant for a very, very long time, like three years after his first offer. But I do have my own needs.”
“Over the past years, I’ve had two other men who I’ve had sexual relationships with. A nurse, Greg, and a college professor, Sam.”
“They always know the situation up front, and both men have been incredibly respectful. They know from the start that I would never leave Ryan, and that he will always be my priority.”
Then the OP’s sister-in-law “caught her in the act.”
“A few weeks ago, Sam the college professor and I were at a restaurant after we’d had sex.”
“We were being a little goofy, like he had bent down to tie his shoe, and I’d knighted him with my sandwich from the deli.”
“My sister-in-law happened to catch us while she was out with her daughter.”
The sister-in-law decided to escalate the situation instead of speak to the OP about it.
“I didn’t know until much later, when I was added to a group chat where I was immediately confronted and told what a disgusting, horrible sl*t I am for cheating.”
“Everyone took turns reaming me out and saying all kinds of things to me about how heartless I am.”
“When the messages slowed down, I told them, ‘Ryan knows; we have an open marriage.’ I then shared some of the information I shared above in this post.”
The OP’s sister-in-law blamed the misunderstanding on her.
“They all started apologizing, except my SIL who then tore into me for keeping this a secret and making it seem like it was something it wasn’t.”
“I heard her out but told her that the adult thing to do would have been to confront me one-on-one so I could tell her and she wouldn’t have embarrassed herself like this.”
“She said that she shouldn’t have to and that it was degenerate behavior to begin with.”
“Of course she is insisting this is entirely my fault. I have always had some difficulty seeing beyond my own perspective, so really, am I? To be clear, we haven’t told anyone. I don’t care what anyone thinks about the open relationship itself.”
“Her confronting me, unfortunately, happened just as Ryan had a particularly bad flare that he’s still dealing with. I try not to stress him out when it happens, so he will know when it subsides.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her sister-in-law was in the wrong, not her.
“It’s crazy that this woman knows how ill her brother is, yet it never occurred to her to ask either of you about this situation. She was perfectly OK to publicly humiliate both you and her brother and her response is that it’s your fault for not telling her about this arrangement? Absolutely not.”
“She knows she screwed up and is desperate to not be the AH in this situation. She is using the DARVO thing on you, deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. NTA.” – CeeCeetree
“NTA. Your sister-in-law had every opportunity to approach you privately. Instead, she chose maximum spectacle, looping others in to ‘catch you’ and humiliate you.”
“That wasn’t concern; that was judgment dressed up as righteousness.”
“And now that she looks foolish, she’s trying to blame you. Stand your ground. You didn’t deceive her; she deceived herself.” – Several-Month-2158
“If I were Ryan, I would be P**SED at her. You are NTA. If she had taken her concerns to him or you privately, that could at least possibly be for a decent reason.”
“Blasting you to a bunch of family also blasts his business to a bunch of family, and if he was the victim she thought he was, it only further victimizes him.”
“Her doubling down that it’s degenerate behavior on your part infantilizes him because it says he doesn’t have the agency to make decisions for himself in his relationships.” – UrHumbleNarr8orr
“Ask her why she hasn’t been upfront about her own sex life, or better yet, intimate details about her partner. Frequency, favorite positions, whether or not she was a virgin on her wedding night, or has a lot of past partners.”
“How hard does her partner get? Can he go twice in one night, or is he a once-a-month kind of guy? If he has a health condition you know about, ask about all the different side effects or symptoms… the more embarrassing, the better.”
“Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that in general, those who are in open relationships should be open to their friends and family. HOWEVER, your reasons for the open marriage are more complicated than that because it is the result of your husband’s ill health (presumably her brother). That he is UNABLE to have sex, and when he is, it is detrimental to his health/energy levels.”
“What is ‘degenerate’ is a sister thinking she’s owed information about how functional her brother is in bed.” – GroovyYaYa
“NTA. She doesn’t deserve to know every little detail about your life. If you want to tell her personal things, that’s okay, but her thinking she deserves to know is selfish. Nothing wrong with what you did.” – jedicraftmaster
Others agreed and said that going straight to a group text was a terrible choice.
“If I’m being so for real, I would go to my own sister about it before anything. I wouldn’t talk to her boyfriend and ask. I would ask her because she’s my best friend.”
“His sister could’ve avoided this by asking her own brother. Telling him first, whatever. Then he would have been like, it’s open, mind your business.” – Worth_Singer
“NTA, but I absolutely would have told your husband in private. I think it’s completely reasonable to call someone out on cheating, but in a private setting, not a group chat.” – GarbageWitch87
“NTA. You were correct. She should’ve come to you or Ryan first and let you address it face-to-face. She embarrassed herself and in the process forced you and Ryan to share private information with them before you were prepared to.” – dakotarework
“Even if she didn’t confront you, Ryan should have been her first stop. A group chat, not so much. On that alone, she could’ve avoided embarrassment, and that’s not on you.” – JeffInVancouver
“NTA, but Ryan needs to deal with his family. Why isn’t the issue that he didn’t tell them when they are, in fact, his family? At the very least, he needs to pipe up and shut s**t down.”
“Your SIL tried to have the ‘gotcha’ moment; only it blew up in her face, and she looked like an id**t because you and Ryan kept the inner workings of your marriage close to the chest and for good reason. Open marriage isn’t exactly something you want to advertise to family.”
“No judgements, just saying I can see how you wouldn’t really want to share that with, say, with your MIL unless forced to do so.” – Crazy4Swayze420
One Redditor empathized with the position the SIL was in, but insisted she could have handled it better.
“She’s a horrible person, and you’re not the a**hole. Your relationship with Ryan, open or not, is YOUR relationship with Ryan.”
“The weird thing is, I’ve actually been in your sister-in-law’s shoes, though, and I’ll say that it’s kind of awful when you think you’ve just caught something that you don’t understand. So I do kind of get where your SIL is coming from, but she handled it all wrong when she blew up the group chat.”
“In my case, I was working at the bar one night when a somewhat new, married friend, Maggie, came in with a guy who wasn’t her husband at the time, and they proceeded to start making out in front of me and another friend sitting there like it was no big deal.”
“They left, and my friend, Candace, and I were sitting there like, ‘What the actual f**k did we just see?'”
“Well, I had no interest in blowing anything up, but the next night, I was at a different bar (not working) with my friends, Eric and Tiffany, and Eric got a text from the groom, Chris, ‘Hey, where are you guys?’ Eric answered the text and told us Chris was on his way.”
“That’s when I know I had to get the f**k out of there ASAP because there is no way I’m going to sit across from this man at the table with the knowledge that I’d just seen his wife sucking face the night before with someone else at my bar and not feel guilty as f**k about keeping it from him. You know what they say, the cover-up is always worse, and I had no interest in being part of a cover-up, at least not to his face.”
“So, I actually tried to leave, but Tiff and Eric wanted to know where I was going. So I told them what I’d seen the night before and that I was still processing it and feeling really guilty and uncomfortable about seeing Chris while I figured it all out.”
“And that was when Tiff said, ‘Oh, did he look like [full on description]?’ Um…yes? ‘Yeah, that’s Alan. Chris knows. He and Maggie have an open relationship. They don’t hang out, but they know about each other. There’s nothing to feel guilty about.'”
“Eric backed her up, and thank God, because not five minutes later, Chris AND Maggie came through the door.”
“I guess they must’ve said something to her while I was in the bathroom, because Maggie pulled me aside when I got out and explained who Alan was and kind of apologized for how everything must’ve looked the night before and thanked me for not blowing her up.”
“I told her that as long as I didn’t have to lie to anyone, even by omission, we were totally cool. Every relationship is different, and I’m not judging anything; I just didn’t want to lie, and I didn’t have to, so that’s awesome.”
“Also, she agreed to let me fill Candace in, and Candy’s reaction was the same as mine.”
“The OP’s sister-in-law’s reaction could have been that simple, but nooooooo… NTA.” – mdsnbelle
Even if an open relationship wasn’t for everyone in the comments section, the subReddit understood the arrangement the OP had made with her husband, and they reassured her that it was really only their business, not their family’s.
The sister-in-law could have approached the OP directly or even approached her own brother with her concerns rather than starting her own personal drama channel.
By putting all of her cards out on the table in front of so many people, of course it was embarrassing for her when the OP displayed her own final hand.
If she had only communicated better, she could have saved herself all of the embarrassment.