With all the joy that comes with starting a new relationship, there also comes a fair amount of anxiety.
Specifically, when it comes time to meet your new partner's family, as well as their inner circle.
Indeed, meeting friends and family can sometimes feel like being under the third degree, as all they want is for their friend, child, sibling, or loved one to be happy, and have a partner worthy of them.
Redditor jarineek_3 was recently invited to a dinner with her new boyfriend's college friends.
However, upon arriving at the restaurant, the original poster (OP) was given a less-than-welcoming greeting by one member of the friend group.
Leading the OP to make a rather abrupt change in how the evening progressed.
After her boyfriend accused her of "embarrassing" him, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for leaving dinner early after my boyfriend's friend introduced me as 'the current one'?"
The OP explained why they left a dinner with her boyfriend and his friends very shortly after she arrived:
"So my boyfriend (31 M[ale]) invited me to dinner with his old college group."
"One of his female friends (30 F[emale]), who I've never met before, came late, looked me up and down, then said, 'Ohhh so you're the current one. Cute'."
"I was stunned."
"No one laughed, no one corrected her."
"My boyfriend just kind of chuckled awkwardly and changed the subject."
"I sat there in silence for another 20 minutes before excusing myself and leaving."
"I took an Uber home."
"He called me later and said I embarrassed him by 'making it a thing' and that I should've just 'been chill' because 'she didn't mean anything by it'."
"He wants me to apologize to her for walking out 'like a child'."
"AITA for not tolerating that kind of blatant disrespect?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community stood firmly behind the OP, agreeing that she was not the a**hole for walking out of dinner with her boyfriend and his friends.
Everyone agreed that since her boyfriend's friends made no effort to be welcoming, and her boyfriend only seemed concerned by his own feelings and not hers, she did the absolute right thing by leaving when she did, with many hoping she also left her boyfriend that night as well.
"NTA."
"She was plain f*cking rude."
"He didn't say anything."
"He was more concerned at his embarrassment, not yours."
"Perfectly reasonable response."- dongporn
"NTA."
"Now EX-boyfriend, right?"- FutureBowler9817
"NTA."
"The people who should be embarrassed are the friend who made the remark, and your boyfriend for not shutting her down."- Worried_Suit4820
"NTA."
"His friend was openly dismissive of you in a rude way."
"The implication is that you are such a temporary figure that you're not even worth treating with respect as an actual human being standing in front of her."
"This is not just a jab at her friend (your boyfriend) for changing girlfriends often (presumably) -- it's direct disrespect to you by not treating you as a person worthy of respect in your own right."
"If your boyfriend expects you to apologize to her then maybe he sees you in the same way she does."- kurokomainu
"NTA."
"If he felt like you were the one."
"He would have corrected her."
"You should send her flowers for showing you the red flag guy."- Classic-Delivery3875
"NTA."
"Your boyfriend is the A for not shutting her down."
"The woman who made the comment wants to be the current one, or was perhaps once the current one."
"That said, there is no way I would have left."
"Because a stranger's issues with me are not something I worry about."
"I would have made things extremely clear to the boyfriend afterwards what I expect from him in the future when his friends are rude to me."
"And no f*cking way am I apologizing."- HuntJump
"'Oooh, so your the one that wishes they were the current one'"
"NTA, but you missed your chance."- Solrackai
"NTA."
"At her big age, he knew what she was doing."
"And the fact that he didn't bother correcting her and only reacting after HE got embarrassed screams red flag to me."- JazzlikeHarpsichord
"NTA."
"So the remark was insignificant to bf, but you reacting to it was unacceptable?"
"Tell bf that you leaving 'wasn't a thing' and that you 'didn't mean anything by it', so he should apologize for not being 'chill' about it and creating a mountain out of a molehill."- CandylandCanada
"NTA."
"Love the quotes you selected - this guy is not for you."
"I think he is a 'soon to be ex' who should have 'had your back' when his little friend 'was an a**hole' to you."- SalaudChaud
"NTA."
"Wtf is wrong with your BF for letting that go?"- mindf0rk
"NTA."
"Run and never look back."- squeaki
"Why would you tolerate what you are considering blatant disrespect?"
"NTA."- MazzIsNoMore
"NTA: That's the chick he bangs between 'the current ones'."- aslztk
"NTA."
"It was rude of her to say that, but it was directed at him and picking a fight by confronting her would have drawn more attention."
"You get it wasn't directed at you right?"
"She was calling him out about his dating."
"I suspect she was jealous, and maybe had a thing for him and was saying that to drive you off."
"She succeeded, and you did make a scene in doing so."- vt2022cam
"Allow me to rephrase:"
"'My boyfriend invited his friends over'."
"'One of them implied that I'm just one of many bedwarmers casually passing through his life - but at least I'm a cute one, right?'"
"'He didn't stand up for me, and I was too stunned to stand up for myself'."
"'After sitting around for 20min in silence, (during which time no one apparently noticed or cared that I never said a word,) I took an Uber home'."
"My boyfriend is now mad at me'."
"'He claims that I've embarrassed him by being upset that she implied that our relationship is so meaningless, it's not worth learning my name'."
"'He thinks I'm being overdramatic and wants me to apologize to her for being upset that she insulted me and devalued our relationship'."
"'He doesn't have the self-awareness necessary to recognize that he failed me, so I'm casually glossing over his role in creating an atmosphere where I'm blatantly disrespected'."
"Am I the a**hole?"
"No."
"You're not."
"NTA."- names-suck
"Why is he making it a thing?"
"He should be more chill, you didn't mean anything by walking out."
"He should apologize for embarrassing you by not dropping this."
"NTA."- MattDaveys
"NTA."
"Honestly I would have said your boyfriend wasn't one either, if he merely froze and let the awkward moment pass without acknowledging her comment."
"Not good or ideal but it's such an out of pocket remark I could understand having no words."
"But him being mad at you and wanting you to apologize to her is insane."- knapen50
"NTA."
"When I first met my husband's uncle (after we were married) he said, 'Oh is this the new/current wife?'"
"I busted up laughing (we had both been married before; no kids)."
"Here's the thing… I laughed."
"If I had been upset, my husband would have tried to make it better or been concerned."
"Him not reading you, defending you, or caring you were upset is a massive red flag."
"Also, coming from a person I knew was going to be a joker vs a 'friend' that looked me up and down."
"F*ck no."- what_is_happening_01
"So, I am probably going to be in the vanishing minority here but I do think it was the wrong move to walk out, although I agree with others you're NTA for it."
"I just think a better move would have been to ignore her and try and enjoy meeting his other friends who (as you say) didn't laugh at her 'joke' so were probably all thinking she was the AH too."
"I also have sympathy for your boyfriend just changing the subject rather than confronting her."
"What was he supposed to do, launch into a passionate speech in front of everyone about how you're his forever person?"
"However, he's definitely TA for suggesting you should apologise to his outrageously rude friend."
"So I guess in that respect, walking out was probably a good move as it made him show his true colors!"- And_a_piece_of_toast
"He didn't tell that other person off for embarrassing you in front of a whole group of people you barely knew?"
"Instead of apologizing on his friend's behalf he wants you to apologize to her?"
"Yeah he's no longer your 'current one' OP, do yourself a favor and make him your 'ex' one."
"Dump his a**."
"Needless to say, NTA."- 8Eriade8
It's safe to assume the OP won't be having any other dinners with this friend group or this boyfriend.
Should this guy ever introduce any future girlfriends to this group, he might want to have a discussion beforehand of the right and wrong way to greet someone.
Thus avoiding anyone "making it a thing"...
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.