Content Warning: Nonconsensual Content, Infantilization, Fetish Content
There are all kinds of dynamics, communities, and tools that people can use to make their romantic relationships exactly the way that they want it to be.
But everyone in the relationship has to consent to the dynamics, or it won't work out, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Dense-Law3803 had been married for four years and thought everything was great until his wife started to express a lot of interest in becoming more childlike.
When she went so far as to get surgery, toddler-like clothing, and practiced childlike behaviors, the Original Poster (OP) knew this wasn't the relationship he agreed to be a part of.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for divorcing my wife over her surgeries and decisions?"
The OP watched as his marriage problems quickly escalated.
"I (28 Male) have been married to my wife (27 Female) for four years."
"Our problems started when she became obsessed with Asians since I'm Asian."
"She began discussing wanting surgery, and I told her she was perfect the way she was. She eventually got certain surgeries for her eyelids and face area, mostly."
"But then it got worse when she got more surgery to make herself look like a young child."
"She'll go to stores and legit buy toddler-like clothing to make herself seem adorable."
"She's gotten into Discord and makes baby sounds, and it's been concerning."
The OP tried to talk to his wife about his concerns, but the conversation went nowhere.
"I had a serious talk with her because she kept trying to act like a kid, making spills and not knowing how to clean up when she's a grown adult."
"She told me I was being controlling and manipulative about what she liked."
"I became concerned that it was a kink or a fetish, but she denied it."
"I also tried to suggest professional help, but it went nowhere. She found it unreasonable and again said I was controlling her and forcing her to seek things she didn't need."
"After awhile, I was done, and I divorced her on the spot, because the last time I checked, I don't like kids or people trying to act like a kid."
"Her parents attacked me for not supporting her and her friends have, too."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Despite her denying it, some were certain that the OP's ex-wife had some kind of fetish.
"NTA. This sounds like somewhere between a kink and a fetish run amok." - SamSLS
"NTA. Leave. She's not going to stop, because she's not getting her 'little needs' met."
"She's not in a caregiver-little relationship. OP doesn't want to be her caregiver, and that's okay, because she probably never discussed it with OP beforehand."
"Most 'littlest' partners I know are upfront about being a 'little' with their partner when they started the relationship, and their partner was ready to be the 'caregiver.'"
"I would have to say, though, that getting surgery for a kink tends to swing toward mental illness of some kind." - Assignments
"Acting and dressing like a kid alone might be an age regression thing, but paired with the obsession with Asian people and the now Asian fishing gone permanent, I'd absolutely clock it as a fetish or kink, a gross one, but people who fetishize Asian people usually see Asian people as child like, innocent and forever young in body and mind."
"This is absolutely a stereotypical thing going on anyway. Can't imagine wanting to dress like a kid, most adult clothes are too big on me, and it feels nasty having to shop in the kids' section for clothes that actually fit. It doesn't feel cute or kinky in the slightest." - Cerberus6669
"I just looked up this kind of relationship dynamic, and this jumped out at me: 'It is essential that all aspects of the DD/LG dynamic are entered into with enthusiastic consent from both partners.'"
"OP never consented to this. She violated the need for consent. I don't kink shame either, but consent is absolutely essential." - OkLingonberry177
"It's a fetish for sure, but it's not necessarily a sexual one."
"This fetish is called age play, where people who, much like your wife, pretend to be child-like or even baby/toddler-like and call themselves littles. I forget what the ones that act like parents are called, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were called bigs." - Knives564-alt
"She's lying. It's called being a 'Little'. For some, it's a kink, but others divorce being a little from sex, ergo it's not a kink. It is a thing, though, and there is a word for it. It's not prevalent enough for most people to be aware of what it entails. There are lots of books, fantasy and otherwise, on Amazon about being a little."
"People have different ages that are their sweet spot, everything from wearing diapers and sucking a binky to being a kid who likes to play with toys to a sexy before her time teen (those who throw off sailor moon vibes in real life). It's definitely not a mental health issue because some littles are in therapy for different unrelated issues." - CartoonistFirst5298
Others agreed and said it must be a mental health issue or obsession if it wasn't a fetish.
"If it's not a fetish, then it's a mental health issue. Sorry, OP." - SnooWords4839
"I mean, if she's not doing it for kicks, and she can't stop doing it even when it damages her family and friends, then that sounds like an addiction or mental breakdown to me. Either help her through therapy or get out of there, because she needs to realize this is a problem." - WaitakereAnimal
"If it's gotten to the point where it's hurting the people around her and she still can't stop, then it's way deeper than just bad decisions. That's not something you just brush off."
"Either she gets real help, or it's gonna drag everyone down with her. Sometimes tough love is the only way people wake up." - LongjumpingFox843
"NTA. If it's not a kink, then it's a mental health issue and she needs to seek help." - AimingWang
"It's not a kink. It's called 'age regression.' My girlfriend is on this spectrum, but it's very different from how your ex-wife acts. In her case, she also seems to suffer from some dysmorphia, as she had these surgeries." - BrazilianBratty
"NAH, especially considering her family and friends are supporting her. However, it sounds like a mental health issue. Marriage is supposed to be in sickness and in health."
"You could try to get her to go to the doctor. If she refuses, then I'd consider that you're doing what you could to uphold your vows before walking away." - Anon_Anon_Anon69
Some reassured the OP that he wasn't wrong to divorce when the dynamic changed.
"You're not wrong for what you did, OP. It sounds like she stated being different than the person she was when you decided to marry her. Not wanting to be with an adult who acts like a baby seems understandable to me." - Sensitive-Plan5649
"Maybe it's still a fetish without the kinky side. You did say she created a discord. Her whole person changed, and that's just not who you married. I think no one is the jerk in this case. She just changed too much, and you don't like that. It makes you uncomfortable. NTA." - LUCiDNiGHTMARE87
"It sounds like you tried to support her at first, but her choices crossed a line that made you deeply uncomfortable, and that's valid. Wanting a partner, not someone acting like a child, isn't controlling; it's a boundary. You're allowed to leave if the relationship no longer feels healthy or right for you." - gorgeousmoody
"I'm sorry. Yeah, you need to immediately file for a divorce, and you need to get away. You need to let her family figure out how to deal with her."
"Enough is too much, and at this point, you're really doing too much. You've put up with this, and I mean okay. She wanted surgery. She's afraid of looking older. Okay. If she can afford the surgery, that's fine."
"She's buying cutesy clothes that are a little young for her. I would say fine, but you're telling me it's not that she's buying, like, teenager clothes. She's buying clothes that make her look like a toddler like an overgrown toddler and doing things."
"A toddler would do like accidentally or accidentally on purpose spilling things and then saying she can't clean them up because she's too little. She doesn't know how."
"Yeah, she needs a psychiatrist. You need a divorce." - DMargaretfoodgoddess
"The psychological term for this behavior is paraphilic infantilism, also known as autonepiophilia or adult baby syndrome."
"This refers to a form of ageplay where an adult derives emotional comfort or sexual gratification from role-playing as a baby or young child. It can include behaviors like wearing diapers, using pacifiers, speaking in baby talk, or engaging in caregiver/little dynamics. Some people do this for non-sexual reasons, like seeking nurturing or stress relief, while for others, it may be part of a sexual fetish."
"You might need to look into diaper fetishism, which is a separate but related interest focused specifically on diapers, often without the age regression aspect, as well as AB/DL, which is a common umbrella acronym for Adult Baby/Diaper Lover, used in communities that embrace these identities."
"Importantly, these behaviors are considered part of the spectrum of paraphilias, which are atypical sexual interests. However, they're not necessarily classified as disorders unless they cause distress or impair functioning."
"And since this isn't what you signed on for, you're NTA!" - 1BellyHamster
While there was no need to shame the ex-wife for what she might be trying to process or what she might in interested in for future relationships, the fact of the matter was that the OP was not informed of this interest when he got into this relationship and marriage, he did not consent to it, and if it was not a relationship dynamic he was interested in, he was not required to stay.
Hopefully, if this was a mental health issue for her and a coping mechanism for something she needed help processing, she'd get the help that she needed.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.