When two people commit to a long-term relationship, especially a legally binding marriage, it's important for them to discuss hot topics and common relationship deal-breakers.
This doesn't just include their thoughts on religion and having kids. It's also important to talk about other things that we might overlook, like how to approach budgeting and money management, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Old-Donkey8984 knew that his future wife was in serious debt, and he was willing to help her get out of debt, marry her, and even go through financial management therapy sessions with her to help with her spending.
But when she went so far as to take out multiple credit cards in secret, including one in his name, to keep up with her impulsive spending, the Original Poster (OP) knew that his marriage was over.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for divorcing my wife after she went into massive debt again?"
The OP committed to marrying his wife and helping her get out of debt.
"I (34 Male) met my wife (32 Female) five years ago. She was $60K in debt from credit cards, personal loans, etc."
"A while after we got serious, I helped her get a consolidation loan from consumer credit card relief. I actually paid it all off on her behalf through them. Monthly payments, the whole deal."
"Things were great for about two years. We got married, bought a house, and life was good."
But then the OP became suspicious that something was going on.
"Then I started noticing packages arriving daily. She got secretive about the mail. Bills were being hidden."
"When I finally confronted her, it turned out she had racked up another $45K in debt across seven different cards."
"I was devastated. We tried counseling (financial management classes and marriage counseling), but she kept spending behind my back."
"She even opened a card in MY name and completely maxed it out."
The OP realized their marriage couldn't work with such different beliefs about money.
"I filed for divorce last month."
"Now her family is blowing up my phone, saying I'm an a**hole for abandoning her 'when she needs help most.'"
"Am I wrong for walking away? I feel like I tried everything, and she betrayed my trust repeatedly."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this wasn't a relationship he wanted to stay in.
"Run. Don't walk. I worked with a guy that went through this and it took him years to get out from under the debt. Don't do that to yourself. Unfortunately, love doesn't conquer all." - Fridaybird1985
"NTA. The first SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS was OP being supportive."
"Anything after that is EX-Wife's choice and responsibility."
"And that's without going into the outright fraud of opening a card in OP's name." - comfortablynumb15
"He really needs to file a police report regarding her opening a credit card in his name. Why would she stop doing that if she is not held accountable?" - Kenai-Phoenix
"She cheated on you financially, and given that you are married, her debt is now your debt. Tell her family that if they want to help, they can contribute to paying off her debt; that will confirm your stance, since they won't help."
"Be done before the 10-year mark. Get a good attorney and freeze your accounts now. Don't tell her you are doing that as it can get worse. Stop being nice. She didn't care, so you should stop caring. File charges: if you don't, you will be liable." - Plus-Implement
"Even though OP was able and willing to pay off the consumer loan for her, they would have been better served by doing financial counseling then, and having a plan that involved her making payments as well, as much as she could reasonably afford."
"What she learned was that spending wildly above your means doesn't cause any discomfort if you can get someone else to pay it off."
"There are lots of reasons that people overspend. Differences in financial outlook and management are one of the leading causes of broken relationships/marriages."
"OP needs to get a good lawyer to help extricate himself from this marriage without it costing him another significant loss. May also need to file fraud charges over a credit card opened in his name." - Over_Cranberry1365
"NTA, OP. Dave Ramsey talks about this. He's an out-of-touch turd box, but this is one part that I think he got right."
"It's called financial infidelity, and it's a very serious betrayal. Her problem and addiction comes out as shopping. She's got deep-rooted issues and is willing to wreck you financially instead of facing them."
"It's really sad, but if she won't change or get help, I'm not sure what you can do. This isn't a viable marriage and should be a deal breaker for you." - ChanmanAlt_41
"NTA. You've been helping her from Day One. Unless she helps herself and you decide not to be her ATM anymore, this marriage gets worse for you."
"Report the identity theft to the police now, freeze and lock your credit, separate and move your money from any accounts she has access to, and talk to a lawyer now."
"She broke any trust in opening a card in your name without your knowledge." - New-Junket5892
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-wife's family could help her out of debt instead.
"NTA. Her family can go f**k themselves, AND they can help pay HER debt if they really care about her 'needing help the most.' Where was the help to the OP when he was bailing her out of 60K in debt and going through financial management classes that HE didn't need?" - CloudDefensiveMatt
"Her family should try paying her debt off and see if you're the AH or they are. Paying off 60k debt and then ANOTHER 45k, that's crazy." - Novaluna_02
"NTA. Since they're so opinionated about you leaving your ex-wife in the dust, ask each family member how much money they are going to contribute towards paying off her debt so you can have a fresh start and live happily ever after. They only have 45K to split amongst themselves, after all; you covered 60K on your own."
"Hope you have cancelled all the credit cards she has access to, moved your money out of any joint accounts, and locked your credit. Remove yourself from the entire situation as soon as you can." - Constant_Host_3212
"NTA. Her family is just p**sed they will have to deal with her now, and she won't have the OP paying for her debt anymore."
"I'm sure they'll find a way to keep enabling her, but they can do it without mixing you into that mess. You have done enough." - UnusualPotato1515
"NTA, but this is a form of addiction. She needs her own therapy. This is about more than your relationship. It's about her mental health."
"And yes, her family can support her during this time if you do not want to. That's okay. It's your life too, and this is an exhausting path."
"I wish spending addictions were as recognized as drug or alcohol addictions." - Known_Witness3268
"She needs help for sure. But it doesn't sound like she is reaching out for that kind of help. OP's only option is to leave. She has to realize she has an addiction/compulsion problem and start dealing with it."
"Tell the family to f**k off and consider themselves lucky that the OP didn't file a police report for identity theft." - Super_Selection1522
"She is 32 years old. No one, including her family, is responsible for her choices or her debts. This woman needs to learn a hard lesson about how life works when you are an adult. She'll just keep spending beyond her means until she figures it out." - FishermanUsed2842
"NTA. You didn't abandon her. You solved her problem for her two years ago, and she stomped on that help and did it again. Shopping addiction can be something significant, but the lack of accountability and the lying, she broke your vows a long time ago."
"I have a friend who went through something similar, and there were always more lies, not just spending. They're getting divorced now, thank god, but he found out his ex-wife's family had bailed her out before, to the tune of $100k. Then he basically did the same, and she racked up $90k all over again."
"Over the years, she racked up about $300k in debt across all these bailouts. She will not change until someone stops bailing her out. The same is true for the OP's ex-wife. My friend and the OP don't have to stay on the sinking ship with them." - StainedGlasser
The subReddit applauded the OP for committing to his relationship and upholding his wedding vows by trying to help his wife move past her debt and even heal her impulsive spending habits and problematic relationship with money.
But when she continued to spend and hid the transactions, bills, and likely items, it was clear that she was unwilling to uphold the same vows.
While spending addictions exist, and it was clear that the OP's wife needed help working through it, the OP did not necessarily have to ruin his life, his future, and his finances in the process.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.