Something that doesn't get talked about nearly enough is what goes through people's minds when they are contemplating a divorce.
In many cases, people exit marriages because something isn't working out, like a compatibility issue, growing apart, or something more nefarious, like cheating.
But on occasion, a person will marry someone for their own personal benefit, just to leave when it is convenient for them, side-eyed the people in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Shoddy-Armadillo-312 thought he was in a good marriage and supported his wife when she wanted to go back to school and study to be a nurse.
But when she accidentally revealed to him that she only planned to stay with him for as long as it took her to land a stable job with her new degree, the Original Poster (OP) decided to divorce her before she could divorce him.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for ending my marriage after finding out my wife was planning to leave me but only after she stayed long enough to do a small career change?"
The OP was supportive when his wife wanted to go back to school.
"Last year, my soon-to-be ex-wife (32 Female) told me she wanted to go from being a labor and delivery nurse to being a specialist cancer nurse. She was returning to college, cutting back her hours at work, and aiming to be finished in two years."
"I was supportive, although a little surprised. She had always seemed happy with her career and our life with our two kids."
"But I know some people can spontaneously get the urge for something more or different, so it wasn't a big deal."
"It did put some strain on me. Because she was so busy, I had to take on a lot more so she could do less. Previously, it had been 50-50 at home, and it went to about 80-20 after she returned to education."
Then, the OP discovered something devastating about his wife's new career path.
"About four months after she started back at college, I overheard her and her best friend talking. I wasn't due home for an hour but had been able to leave early and had the kids with me."
"My ex's friend was asking her how she could manage to stay married and keep up the pretense."
"My ex said if she left me, she would never be able to make the career move. She wouldn't have the time to be a single parent and work and train for her specialty."
"She said that I was able to support her through it as long as I didn't know she wanted out of our marriage and would leave as soon as she secured the new job."
"Her friend said it would all blow up in her face when I realized, and she said she didn't care. She said that she f**ked herself over by working even when we had the kids. Otherwise, she could have left and made me support them until she got a job."
The OP confronted his wife about what he overheard right away.
"I waited until her friend was gone and the kids were in bed, and then I told her the marriage was over and I was not going to be used until she got what she wanted."
"She told me I heard it wrong, and I was overreacting."
"She was ready for an argument, but I told her not where the kids could hear, and we waited until the kids were out of the house, and we had it out with each other."
"She told me I was selfish and shouldn't punish her for changing her mind about us. She said if I was a good man, I'd encourage her to leave her job and offer to support her until she was ready to leave."
The OP filed for divorce despite his wife's reluctance.
"In the end, I filed for divorce ,and I moved out of the home. I wanted to fight for the home since I'd lived there before we were together, but her name was on the deed, and I didn't want my kids to live in a conflict-ridden home."
"They were already going through a lot, and this divorce has been difficult for them."
"Their mom hates me, their grandparents and aunts and uncles hate me, and they're not allowed to talk about me around them. I have tried to hide how sad I am around them, but I fear they've picked up on it."
"My ex is fighting the divorce, and her family is telling me I'm selfish and that I should understand that a woman has the right to ensure her stability before ending a marriage."
"But she'd be stable without college. Her job was secure, and before this, she worked enough hours to support herself and the kids alone if she had to. She simply doesn't want to continue in that job. I don't feel like I owe her that support."
"But maybe I'm wrong about that, and like she and her family say, maybe I'm the AH."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP about not wanting to be used by his ex.
"She has a right to leave a marriage whenever she deems fit and for whatever reasons she has. But so do you."
"I find it interesting that their problem is not trying to fix the marriage but to make you her doormat now for her comfortable future... not yours... just hers. NTA." - Usual-Canary-7764
"NTA. No one wants to be used merely as a means to an end, especially when the plan is to manipulate you into thinking you're supporting the long-term happiness of someone who you think loves you."
"It's a 'do unto others' type thing." - Interesting-Fish6065
"NTA. Honestly the audacity of that line, to 'ensure her stability,' like what? She had a job that paid her. She had stability and as a nurse in a field that is always hurting for nurses, she can easily find work, or h**l, she can go to any ER and apply and unless she's s**t at her job she would probably be hired."
"I can't with people like this, oh my god." - MegsMegs321
"Relationships should be mutual, not one-sided. You've got every right to prioritize yourself when you're being taken for granted." - Conscious-Help-9347
"I wonder how his ex would feel if the tables were turned? I have a feeling she would be less than happy about it, would resent him, file for divorce immediately, and, along with her entire family, would be cruel to him for 'stringing her along' and for being 'a selfish piece of s**t.'"
"The fact no one in the ex's family seems to have the ability to picture themselves in his shoes or to imagine things if it were the other way around is beyond me. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that she was selfishly weaponizing their relationship (and his kindness, loyalty to their marriage, and love for her) for her own personal gain while intentionally harming him in the process."
"They said, 'A woman has the right to ensure her stability before ending a marriage.' No. A HUMAN has the right to ensure their stability before ending a marriage. However, this wasn't her 'ensuring her stability.' This was her deceiving and robbing OP of his time, effort, and money, just so she could climb the corporate ladder (so to speak)."
"She wasn't seeking stability; she already had that in the bag. Instead, she was just using him one last time and was leeching off of his resources so she wouldn't need to use her own."
"She knew he trusted her and would agree to this because of his love for her. She strung him along and faked everything that had to do with their relationship for god knows how long. This was cold, manipulative, and selfish as f**k. She's an a**hole no matter how you slice it, and the fact she has so much support and has so many people defending her is disgusting." - CatmoCatmo
Others struggled to imagine how devastated the OP was and called him NTA.
"NTA!! It's awful. He was doing all that extra work, so she could get her education, and help the family have a better economic situation. Now he finds out that it was all for herself, and he wouldn't be getting any benefit from all of his extra work and support, not even love, so why should he help her anymore?" - Beautiful-Plastic-83
"NTA!!! Your wife was using you. You have every right to leave. Protect yourself legally and keep being a good dad." - happyXLily
"Her family's nuts for supporting her thinking. Here's a thought, let her family support her financially for two years, let them pay for a housekeeper and potential babysitting so she can finish her education."
"She f**ked around and found out and is getting what she deserves. OP, get yourself into counseling and maybe with your kids (not sure about their ages). Don't give this b***h a dime more than the divorce requires."
"Perhaps go for full custody since she's 'so busy with work and school' and get child support, and don't feel bad about it. Maybe let her have the kids on weekends, and you have them during the week due to her schedule." - mca2021
"Like man... Your ex used the marriage for convenience while pursuing her career, with no regard for you or the family. You supported her, but when it became clear she was planning to leave after getting what she wanted, you took the necessary steps to protect yourself and your kids."
"Her family is overlooking how she treated you... You're not selfish for setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being." - weaver561
"Would her family support her financially and child minding if she was already divorced? They want him to be loyal and pay her way because thru don't have to foot a bill or babysit."
"You are 100% in the right to file. Good on you for leaving the kids the home they have grown up in... some stability. This is a good time to find a new place for a fresh start... not a home where you and your wife shared. The memories of that home are for the kids; now it's time for your new home with new and good, healthy, and GENUINE memories..."
"You were being played, and your wife tried to take it back as saying you heard it wrong. You heard enough to know she was only staying to further her life and career and in the end, her new life would have been thanks to you. She made enough money to be single..."
"Best of luck! You're a sweet man for not disrupting your children's home. You're a good dad!" - Laxit00
It's, of course, okay to want to advance a career or even change a career path entirely, but that should only be true if the reasons behind wanting that are transparent.
It was clear the OP's soon-to-be ex-wife wanted to leave her husband, and she was simply using him to make the transition as smooth for herself as possible. If she'd gone through with the education to create an even better life for her family and marriage, she'd be facing a very different future.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.